Rubberbanding?

Alexis, just remember that men can change their mind and feeling quickly, from good to bad. All he said was genuine at the moment doesn’t mean he feels that now. However, their feeling can change from bad to good again fast too if you know how to turn them on again after he has been turned off. You are letting your emotion carry you too far and that’s one single thing turns most of the men off, the first thing you need to do is to have your emotion in total control – the most effective way to achieve it is to bring other suitors into your dating life. You are not in a relationship yet, and please do not stop dating other men. Loyalty should only be given to a. man truly loves and adores you. Until you change yourself, he won’t change.

Hi Alexis,

Andrea gave you some VERY POWERFUL ADVICE…”Until you change yourself, he won’t change.”

You need to tattoo that sentence on your forehead and live it each and every nano-second of your life from now on.

Because if you don’t change your behavior, this “story line” will keep repeating itself until the day you die.

I agree with andrea. please please don’t ask him such stuff again. be patient and see how things unfold. that’s how my affair started going downhill. and yes initially even we dint have any fights. none at all.

please try focussing on other stuff. I know it sounds clichéd but… u r over analysing and keep thinking and seeking answers and running in circles in ur head. not doing ur emotional st of mind any gud. u had some kind of serious talk recently so now for the present let it be.

he told u he’s interested. try and be objective abt the scenario. I know its difficult. but u need to be a little detached and more observant in the coming weeks. pls be patient. if his actions in the coming weeks matches what he said then great. but if it doesn’t the answer is right in front of u. u r just not ready to see it. u don’t need to every time ask him for answers which are obviously in front of u.

I will again say this try doing stuff and shifting ur focus. u will have ur answers I guess soon.

Mistral

Ur reading shat im trying to say wrong. . Ive not texted him any of this…i asked abt monogamy 2 months ago cauz he came over and brought it up. I just clarified. Today was the first time i brought anything up in 3 months and thats cauz i dont wanna be hookup status. I deserve better than that.

I bring this to this forum so i can understand how to handle MY issues. Theyre not his…he had no clue I felt this way. Im trying to work thru it and understand the hot and cold w him. Ive never dealt w that b4. Ive not even talked to him much last couple weeks. My texts have been positive…nothing about what i talk to you abt.

Hope that clarifies.

Well, after he called me Sunday morning, he texted me for about two hours…seemed to be the Mike from the past. He also asked to get together this past Saturday, and I said yes, he could come by and we could watch the hockey game together. He then said he’d text me later that day…never did.

Tues came and he called me, said he was calling to say hi. We talked for about 15 mins or so (which is short for us) and I was very friendly, joking with him, kept it light. We ended it by saying we’ll touch base end of week to finalize Saturday’s plans. Went rest of week without hearing from him.

Friday came and I texted him to verify we were on and what time – he said definitely…etc. He was working till 4:30 and would come by at 6:30.

Saturday came – and at 1:30 I got the following text: “I’m not in the fucking mood today so I wouldn’t be good company. I’m sorry.” I didn’t say anything back cauz I knew he was at work and it must’ve been work-related. I later that night got a message from him apologizing once again, said he had the worst day at work ever. I was very understanding and asked what happened. He said the bonus he was to get was literally a couple thousand less than what he expected, that he has never made so little money in his life, is in a slump and has no motivation. We talked at length for about 30 to 45 mins, and that was it. He now ends the conversations with “we’ll talk soon” or “I’ll text you later” but I don’t hear from him. I have kept my distance and let him be. I texted him this morning “Happy Tuesday – Hawks win!” and we texted back and forth just a couple times. I ended the text with a smiley face. We have no immediate plans for this weekend, and it will be three weeks since I’ve seen him. I know he’s in his cave big time but how much time do I give him?

Kiran – what’s a great response?

Alexis,
I’m over this guy for you. I know work is stressful blah blah blah but geez.
That text although not geared towards you directly was rude. Ewww!!! I think you should for sure be dating others. It just seems like you given him many chances and things have not really progressed.

I disagree with Greenie. I think he’s shown what he wants, and what he’s capable of right now. I wouldn’t ask him where you stand or ask for more. I would date others, and see if in the future he comes around. Unlikely, but it doesn’t seem like it’s happening now. I’m so sorry– i know how much it sucks, esp. when you like someone and things were going so well.

Wow Alexis, I really empathize with your situation! It’s given me a new lens to look at things.

Just a small bit on my story: started dating a guy in August…we both were kinda hot & cold (more him than me) and somewhere along the line I caught unexpected feelings and I think so did he. Around 3 months, I had the “where is this going” talk with him. I let it be known that I was not looking for a FWB situation but a relationship. He kept dancing around that, so I walked. He came back 2 weeks later and basically told me his life was a mess, if his life is not in order, nothing else will be and I would just hate him in the end, blah blah blah. For whatever stupid reason (live and learn), we continued where we left off (texting just about every other day and seeing each other once). We were joking around one night and I took something too serious and overreacted. We spoke to each other a couple of times since then but nothing like before and now we do not even speak. I am heartbroken and still hung up on him (we had a connection) but I am trying to move on, dating others, etc. But my heart still belongs to him. It’s been 6 months since I overreacted.

If you REALLY like and care for this guy, you need to back off and give him space and understand that his predicament may take time. I TOTALLY get the whole, you needing more contact because I was like that too but if I knew then what I know now, I would not have been so damn needy and would have been more understanding. I would not go and date others if you had the exclusivity convo with him, unless you tell him that is what you are planning on doing. Otherwise, that would look incriminating on you. How would you feel if he was out dating others without having a discussion with you of some sort? I look at it as cheating because you agreed to be exclusive, yet you’re out dating other people.

I think my guy knew it would be best to let me go until he is able to provide me the relationship that I want. He was under financial pressures and was trying to get that situated….here we are 6 months later and I have a gut feeling he is still trying to sort it all out. (Then again, I may be totally wrong and he may just not have wanted a relationship with me-I know that is a possibility). If you can’t be patient and understanding (which I understand if you can’t) then maybe this type of relationship isn’t meant for you right now and you two can be friends until he is capable of giving you more. Just be prepared to wait for that as it may not happen overnight.

Hi Lenore, thanks for sharing your story.

IMO men want FWB because they don’t want a relationship with you (as opposed to not wanting a relationship.) Even players will commit and settle down when they find the right woman. I used to feel bad when a man only wanted FWB, now i just thank him for his honesty and move on. It’s simply not a match, no one’s fault — and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough.

FWB is not a real relationship, but many people (men and women) think it’s perfectly fine to do and settle for this . Men have no problems having sex without feelings; whereas the same is not true for women. So women should think twice before opting for FWB, it very seldom leads to an actual relationship. All it does is make women invest emotionally in men who aren’t looking for more than a fun, temporary fling.

Sorry “Maslow” not Manslow” (Feudian slip? LOL) — google “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs”.

Yes it’s true, men generally don’t want to commit if their financial/work house is not in order. But there are exceptions to that rule, namely the men that want to be financially supported by women.

And there are LOTS of those out there, so it’s simply not true that all men are the same in this regard. What seems to be true everywhere is that men will avoid commitment unless they find someone they feel is WORTH committing to. (In their eyes only — it has nothing to do with the actual value of the woman — she could be great, just not for him.)

Lenore, I was involved with a man who was first my friend, then FWB, then I broke it off until he could commit. It still was a mistake, he was very controlling and once in a committed relationship the ugly jealous side of him came out and I went thru hell.

His “financial house” wasn’t in order either. The more he depended on me, the worse he felt about himself and the more insecure and jealous he became. So yes, it’s a factor, and a big one. But I should have walked away for good when it became obvious in the beginning that he wanted FWB. I settled for that, and later became dissatisfied and left him.

The moral of this story is that if he’s not willing to commit, take it as a sign that 1) the relationship is not meant to be, 2) he has problems, 3) even if he changes, it may not be in the way you want. The sum of 1+2+3 = MOVE ON and find someone more suitable.