Rubberbanding?

Alexis, just remember that men can change their mind and feeling quickly, from good to bad. All he said was genuine at the moment doesn’t mean he feels that now. However, their feeling can change from bad to good again fast too if you know how to turn them on again after he has been turned off. You are letting your emotion carry you too far and that’s one single thing turns most of the men off, the first thing you need to do is to have your emotion in total control – the most effective way to achieve it is to bring other suitors into your dating life. You are not in a relationship yet, and please do not stop dating other men. Loyalty should only be given to a. man truly loves and adores you. Until you change yourself, he won’t change.

Hi Alexis,

Andrea gave you some VERY POWERFUL ADVICE…”Until you change yourself, he won’t change.”

You need to tattoo that sentence on your forehead and live it each and every nano-second of your life from now on.

Because if you don’t change your behavior, this “story line” will keep repeating itself until the day you die.

I agree with andrea. please please don’t ask him such stuff again. be patient and see how things unfold. that’s how my affair started going downhill. and yes initially even we dint have any fights. none at all.

please try focussing on other stuff. I know it sounds clichéd but… u r over analysing and keep thinking and seeking answers and running in circles in ur head. not doing ur emotional st of mind any gud. u had some kind of serious talk recently so now for the present let it be.

he told u he’s interested. try and be objective abt the scenario. I know its difficult. but u need to be a little detached and more observant in the coming weeks. pls be patient. if his actions in the coming weeks matches what he said then great. but if it doesn’t the answer is right in front of u. u r just not ready to see it. u don’t need to every time ask him for answers which are obviously in front of u.

I will again say this try doing stuff and shifting ur focus. u will have ur answers I guess soon.

Mistral

Ur reading shat im trying to say wrong. . Ive not texted him any of this…i asked abt monogamy 2 months ago cauz he came over and brought it up. I just clarified. Today was the first time i brought anything up in 3 months and thats cauz i dont wanna be hookup status. I deserve better than that.

I bring this to this forum so i can understand how to handle MY issues. Theyre not his…he had no clue I felt this way. Im trying to work thru it and understand the hot and cold w him. Ive never dealt w that b4. Ive not even talked to him much last couple weeks. My texts have been positive…nothing about what i talk to you abt.

Hope that clarifies.

Well, after he called me Sunday morning, he texted me for about two hours…seemed to be the Mike from the past. He also asked to get together this past Saturday, and I said yes, he could come by and we could watch the hockey game together. He then said he’d text me later that day…never did.

Tues came and he called me, said he was calling to say hi. We talked for about 15 mins or so (which is short for us) and I was very friendly, joking with him, kept it light. We ended it by saying we’ll touch base end of week to finalize Saturday’s plans. Went rest of week without hearing from him.

Friday came and I texted him to verify we were on and what time – he said definitely…etc. He was working till 4:30 and would come by at 6:30.

Saturday came – and at 1:30 I got the following text: “I’m not in the fucking mood today so I wouldn’t be good company. I’m sorry.” I didn’t say anything back cauz I knew he was at work and it must’ve been work-related. I later that night got a message from him apologizing once again, said he had the worst day at work ever. I was very understanding and asked what happened. He said the bonus he was to get was literally a couple thousand less than what he expected, that he has never made so little money in his life, is in a slump and has no motivation. We talked at length for about 30 to 45 mins, and that was it. He now ends the conversations with “we’ll talk soon” or “I’ll text you later” but I don’t hear from him. I have kept my distance and let him be. I texted him this morning “Happy Tuesday – Hawks win!” and we texted back and forth just a couple times. I ended the text with a smiley face. We have no immediate plans for this weekend, and it will be three weeks since I’ve seen him. I know he’s in his cave big time but how much time do I give him?

Kiran – what’s a great response?

Alexis,
I’m over this guy for you. I know work is stressful blah blah blah but geez.
That text although not geared towards you directly was rude. Ewww!!! I think you should for sure be dating others. It just seems like you given him many chances and things have not really progressed.

I disagree with Greenie. I think he’s shown what he wants, and what he’s capable of right now. I wouldn’t ask him where you stand or ask for more. I would date others, and see if in the future he comes around. Unlikely, but it doesn’t seem like it’s happening now. I’m so sorry– i know how much it sucks, esp. when you like someone and things were going so well.

Wow Alexis, I really empathize with your situation! It’s given me a new lens to look at things.

Just a small bit on my story: started dating a guy in August…we both were kinda hot & cold (more him than me) and somewhere along the line I caught unexpected feelings and I think so did he. Around 3 months, I had the “where is this going” talk with him. I let it be known that I was not looking for a FWB situation but a relationship. He kept dancing around that, so I walked. He came back 2 weeks later and basically told me his life was a mess, if his life is not in order, nothing else will be and I would just hate him in the end, blah blah blah. For whatever stupid reason (live and learn), we continued where we left off (texting just about every other day and seeing each other once). We were joking around one night and I took something too serious and overreacted. We spoke to each other a couple of times since then but nothing like before and now we do not even speak. I am heartbroken and still hung up on him (we had a connection) but I am trying to move on, dating others, etc. But my heart still belongs to him. It’s been 6 months since I overreacted.

If you REALLY like and care for this guy, you need to back off and give him space and understand that his predicament may take time. I TOTALLY get the whole, you needing more contact because I was like that too but if I knew then what I know now, I would not have been so damn needy and would have been more understanding. I would not go and date others if you had the exclusivity convo with him, unless you tell him that is what you are planning on doing. Otherwise, that would look incriminating on you. How would you feel if he was out dating others without having a discussion with you of some sort? I look at it as cheating because you agreed to be exclusive, yet you’re out dating other people.

I think my guy knew it would be best to let me go until he is able to provide me the relationship that I want. He was under financial pressures and was trying to get that situated….here we are 6 months later and I have a gut feeling he is still trying to sort it all out. (Then again, I may be totally wrong and he may just not have wanted a relationship with me-I know that is a possibility). If you can’t be patient and understanding (which I understand if you can’t) then maybe this type of relationship isn’t meant for you right now and you two can be friends until he is capable of giving you more. Just be prepared to wait for that as it may not happen overnight.

Greenie-my guy never said he wanted a FWB but really that is what the relationship was. Reading this and going through what I went through, kinda makes me grateful he went away. I would have been where Alexis is now, frustrated, confused, and wanting more. My guy did say, “….you will just hate me in the end” and I think he was correct.

And again, after this experience, I believe that men do need to have their crap in order before being able to commit to a relationship like Tricia said). The ones who don’t feel they have to are handicaps where you will have to take care of them later (either emotionally or financially)….no thank you!

I hear what you’re saying Greenie but for my own ego’s sake, I’m saying my guy couldn’t commit because his “house” was not in order, Ok? ;)

Sorry but it’s a bitter pill to swallow coming to the conclusion that it was you (me) is the reason he would not commit. I’m pretty thick skinned, but when it comes to matter of the heart and this guy, I’m not.

Thanks, girls, but I think I may need to really clarify all the little details in this weird “relationship” so you know exactly what’s going on. I’ve been trying not to get too long-winded. Met this guy on OKC. He’s 13 years younger than me. He pursued me and I kept saying no, no, no, too much age difference. I’ve been in a younger relationship before. He finally talked me into meeting him for a glass of wine, and when we met, it was like BAM! There was so much chemistry between us, it was scary.

We talked/texted daily for two weeks straight for HOURS at a time. He had a different job and had normal hours. When we met, he admitted to me that he had some problems in the past – he had gotten three DUIs when he was younger, is considered a felon, and has limited ability to drive and work. I was willing to accept that after getting to know him. He was a decent guy with some bad luck. He completely owned up to what he did. He actually moved back into his parents’ place because he had to pay the attys close to $50,000. Hence, the problems with driving. He can’t drive weekends and only till 7:30 during the week. He also lives 45 minutes from me.

The first time we were together it was amazing. We literally stayed up all night long and laughed, talked, had great (I mean great) sex :) We had no lull in our conversation ever and laughed till we had tears coming down our faces.

We both had a talk about the kind of relationship we wanted, and I was very clear from day one I knew I could not take it any further than FWB, although we didn’t use that term. He said the same for him. Then things began to change in terms of the feelings between us. Each time we were together, it was like the first. He used the “L” word – said I think I love you, etc etc. I never reciprocated because I don’t feel the first few months counts as love, really. But he did say to me that he felt that if he was started to get jealous or have feelings, he’d pull away. We also talked about me walking away from it all if I began to develop feelings. This was just a passing conversation.

We literally talked/texted almost every day – then he got his new job. It was a great opportunity for him – at a big company, where they offered him a package with a car, etc. He would be doubling his salary. Things were great. He was very attentive and loving. Then I began to get cold feet since I thought it may be going someplace I didn’t want to. We talked about it and he brought up the fact that he considered us monogamous, yet we both were still on the dating site. He was very upset that I wanted to back off and told me he wanted us to always be friends, even if we’re not involved. He wanted to be the one I went to for advice and he didn’t want me to leave.

I reconsidered and things got back to where they were. About a month into the new job, they hired a new manager and the new manager took away his bonus package and put him on an hourly wage, not much more than minimum. Things started spiraling for him at work downhill, but he’s stuck there until his license is released next February. Being “a felon” he has very limited opportunity elsewhere. He began to pull away and I knew something was wrong. We got together over a weekend again, and he got in the car and said he was sorry for not being in contact but he’s stressed at work. He told me what happened. We had another amazing night together. He told me he doesn’t consider us a hookup and he’s extremely happy with me, loves what we have, etc etc. I make him happy and he feels as if he’s known me for 20 years.

Another week goes by and he is still not in touch much with me again. Then the next weekend, He calls me after being out with friends and I felt I needed to talk with him, so I went. He had been drinking so I didn’t bring anything up – he brought it up. As soon as he got in the car, he asked if I had been on a date. I said no. He said he was jealous – which he’s normally not and I didn’t know how to take it since he was drinking (he’s actually NOT a big drinker, hardly ever drinks anymore and doesn’t go out much with friends.) Then when we were alone, he admitted to me he has feelings for me. He said he wants me to be 100 percent happy and if it means I want us to be friends only, he’d accept that He said that I was lying being on OKC cauz I was with him. He made me promise that if things ever ended with us, to promise I would never break ties with him. I asked him why he’s been distant and he said “I just need to be a man.” He indicated he’s frustrated with work and just because he doesn’t text me every day doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of me. etc etc He said one night together is never enough, that we need more time together, yet he still pulls away.

He had been in FWB relationships before and I asked him about them. He said that’s all they were. I said what’s different with us – he said you are, that I like to spend more time with him and he wants to spend more time with me. He said it’s because of the type of person I am – authentic and honest according to him. He said every time we get together, it’s always the same – it’s fantastic and I amaze him, etc etc – goes on like this all night.

Then Monday comes and he disappears – not much texting and maybe one phone call. Last weekend, I went out near his house with a friend and he texted me as soon as I got to the restaurant (My friends say he tracks me with the “nearby friends” app on Facebook, which I think they’re right). We texted for a few minutes. The next morning I texted him that I’d like to talk with him that day and he responded with “What happened????” Then he called and when I answered, he asked “Did you meet someone last night?” I said no, but I was beginning to feel like one of his hookup relationships and that’s not what I want. I was clear from day one I did not want that. He said I’m looking at it differently than him. I said I’d like to see him more often (hence the part where I made it clear what I wanted.) We made plans for last Saturday, and you read the post on what happened Saturday. We talked for almost 45 minutes. He said he’s never been this broke in his life, he feels like a failure, and he wants to make it up to me that he blew me off. I’ve given him an out twice now and he refused to take it. He also made a comment at one point about not being able to provide and his work hours are crazy – 8 to 5 sat; 8 to 5 mon/tues; 12 to 9 wed, 8 to 9 thurs;

There’s so much more but I think this is long enough :) I know he’s stressed and feels awful, and I don’t want to kick a man when he’s down, but his schedule and finances are taking a toll on him. He’s not the same person I met three months ago. That’s why I struggle with how much man caving will he need and if I should just pull back and let him come to me when he’s ready. When we’re together, it’s absolutely amazing. He never lets me pay for anything, so he’s not one to try to get me to support him. He got mad at me once when I made him lunch and he didn’t want me putting so much work into it for him. He never lets me do anything – he does it all. I know we don’t get together as often as we’d like because he doesn’t have the money right now. He’s embarrassed.

That’s a “short” synopsis of how this whole thing evolved – there’s obviously much more detail but you get the gist. Thoughts?

BTW: the jealous man I talked about earlier, he didn’t want me to do anything either. He insisted on carrying all the groceries, opening doors etc. All very nice until you consider that this wasn’t open for debate – it was all part of his controlling personality along with the jealous behavior. That jealousy seems flattering at first, but it’s anything but. Before long you’ll feel like you’re in a cage as he picks apart everything that you do, what you wear, look at, your friendships, your colleagues. His insecurity and constant demands for you to prove everything in order to make him feel okay will drive you insane. It’s like walking on eggshells all the time. It’s hard to imagine, but that’s how your life will end up. It’s a mental prison. Be thankful that he’s not contacting you (mine did that too for a time, then started things up again.) Maybe if you stop answering him he’ll eventually go away. Near the end I was being stalked and thought I might have to get a court order… don’t let that happen to you! Walk away before you really regret it. If you think you’re unhappy now, just wait, it gets MUCH WORSE!