Rubberbanding?

Greenie, I do not agree with what you said according to my own experience. My fiancé and I were in a relationship moved so fast that nobody would think it was real. 2 months after we met, he wanted to marry me. Now we’ve been together for almost 11 months and our relationship still like a fairy-tale, he still pays everything, opens doors, carries everything for me, carries me to upstairs, gives me massage, sometimes puts shoes on for me, feed me with food…If we want to buy something for both of us and they are too expensive, he will get the best one for me and get himself a less expensive one. He’s not controlling at all, I am like a free bird around him.

Alexis, I understand your pain in this situation. Yes, he wants to fall in love with you but obviously you aren’t living to his expectation as a girlfriend yet. Men all have moments they just want to stay alone, but disappear? That’s not something a man loves you would do. My fiancé has been through difficult time too, despite he said that he didn’t want to talk to anybody, he still called me at least once in 2 or 3 days and text me at least once a day, rarely I would not hear from him at all more than 2 days – happened twice in the past 10 months. He was stressed at work, he was tired of any interaction with people including me, but he still made short phone calls and texting because he knew that would make me happy. I know you have agreed to exclusivity, but you should only stay exclusive with a man who calls you, who make effort to keep you, who cares about your feelings. For a man constantly disappear days even weeks, you should have no desire, no reason to be exclusive with him and meanwhile complain he is hurting you. You cannot talk him into wanting you more if you don’t have more inside yourself.

i am working my way through this very interesting thread (probably the most educational one ive veer read here !)

and this here, I think he is lying.

“I was very understanding and asked what happened. He said the bonus he was to get was literally a couple thousand less than what he expected, that he has never made so little money in his life, is in a slump and has no motivation. We talked at length for about 30 to 45 mins, and that was it. He now ends the conversations with “we’ll talk soon” or “I’ll text you later” but I don’t hear from him.”

My instinct strongly tells me this is a lie

Just to clarify – not justify – he was much younger when it happened and very rarely drinks. He does not drink while driving any longer. He has owned up to what he’s done and knows he put himself in this position. He blames no one but himself. I know plenty of people with DUIs that are good people that made a bad mistake – trust me – I’m in the legal business, I see it all the time.

As far as the lying, he has two other friends that work there that have verified what’s happening. That’s why I know it’s not false.

Mistral, as far as picking unavailable men, I was married for 20 years, and dated twice since my husband’s death. I left both relationships right away – after 6 months – because of issues with the men. I consider myself extremely picky in who I date, and this guy is the first guy I’ve had a connection with in 3 years. If I’m not interested, I don’t go there. For some reason with him, this is a new experience for me and I have feelings I’m trying to figure out. I’ve been reading Allison Armstrong and Eric’s information and am trying to change the way I look at relationships and handle things properly. That’s why I’m on here – to get opinions – not criticism. I’ve pulled away and have not contacted him and don’t intend to. I’ve started reading “Don’t Bet on the Prince” also. I talked at length today to a friend who went back and forth like this for 8 YEARS with a guy – and she just moved in with him. He had major financial issues and pulled away for months and came back when he figured it out. Now they live together. I’m not saying I’m going to go for any length of time waiting for this guy – I’m definitely not – but it’s only been about 3 weeks or so since this has begun, will be four this weekend. Just trying to figure out the rubberbanding concept or the not interested – they both are very closely related. That’s all.

Maybe you can give this relationship a time period? U must have some expectations. if a or b or c probably happens or doesn’t happen within a time period set in your head perhaps u could exit? have u thought on those lines?? bec from what u saying this can go on and on and its just unwanted prolonged stress for u..

Greenie, I got what you said. I agreed with you. You won’t believe my fiancé was once the biggest player in the world :) because he’s very handsome, he had so many women in the past to a point I felt icky listening to his history. You think he’s commitment friendly because he committed to me so quickly? Not at all, before me he had a FWB for 1.5 years and he did all the disappearing act on her from time to time, but he never did that to me even once, unless I really gave him hard time, he would go quiet 1 or 2 days. A man treated you certain way doesn’t mean he will treat another woman the same. I do believe most men are wonderful , it’s how we as women, bring out their worst or best.

So update….

I don’t know if this is too extreme or not, but after a week of absolutely nothing, I’ve decided to walk…I’ve deleted him from FB and have had no contact whatsoever. I did it late last night, and as of now, have heard nothing…so I guess I made the right choice. I know men go into their caves, but to not pursue ANY contact whatsoever? Did I do the right thing or just push him away permanently?

Just started following this, Alexis. It sounds as if you did the right thing. You have to let him know his behavior is not acceptable. Anything less, and I’m sure you will lose respect for yourself. You appear to be well grounded and stable. Listen to your gut! ….and keep us posted.

So update from weekend, girls. I deleted him off Facebook. Late in the afternoon he actually texted me and asked what I was doing and where I’d be. I said I was busy.
Later that night, I got “hi beautiful” – I did not respond. I got more texts – I did not respond to any. I was doing the No Contact thing. He then called me. By that point I was so aggravated, I picked up to see what he wanted. He kept apologizing to me, saying he knows I haven’t been happy, that he’s sorry. He also made a comment that I don’t text him anymore, that he likes to receive texts from me, that it shouldn’t always have to be him to text. I ended the call – he asked me to text him the next morning. I did not. He texted me and then called. He asked me what I was doing – told him I was busy that day. Later in the afternoon, he called me again. I kept it short, told him I was busy.

Why do guys do the slow fade and when you finally move on from them, they come on like gangbusters? So now I’ve seen it was the slow fade and not mancaving he was doing. Time for me to implement the No Contact and let him see how it feels. Just wanted to update you all since you’ve been great in all your advice :)

Alexis,
Please be done with this guy for good. I see nothiing working out here wit you two.
If, you are going to do NC, remember it is for you to move forwards, gain calrity and allow more healing. This is not meant to punish him or get ack at him for his lousy communication.

He has already shown you what he is about, now it’s time to beieve it and find someone else that give your time and energy to.

When guys fade away and then reappear always know it’s not for anything good.

Khadija, believe me, I am done. I am not responding to him, I’m moving on. I’m taking some time off the dating thing and just working on me. I’m just curious as to his actions, that’s all. I know they say don’t try to figure them out, but I am overly curious all the time :)

Okay girls, need advice.

Ive not been in contact, although he has called. I deleted him off FB 2 weeks ago..i know he noticed cauz my phone blew up all weekend. I didnt engage.

Today i get a text: i went to say good morng on FB and see u deleted me. I said: i did. He said: y? U cleaned out fb and decided I’d be one of them?

Dont want to send snotty response, just something diplomatic and make my point that he’s the one that pushed me away and I’ve moved on.

Suggestions as to what to say?

Alexis,

I would simply tell him that you removed him from FB because you know he’s too busy for you, and you wanted him to know that you understood, but that you want to find someone who does have the time.

You mentioned earlier that he asked you to promise to never cut ties, but I don’t remember if you actually did promise that or not. If you didn’t, tell him that you don’t feel like being in this holding pattern is good for either of you while he’s dealing with work, and since there’s no end in sight, you’re releasing him so he no longer feels the obligation and you can find someone that doesn’t see you as an obligation.