Rubberbanding?

Thanks, girls, but I think I may need to really clarify all the little details in this weird “relationship” so you know exactly what’s going on. I’ve been trying not to get too long-winded. Met this guy on OKC. He’s 13 years younger than me. He pursued me and I kept saying no, no, no, too much age difference. I’ve been in a younger relationship before. He finally talked me into meeting him for a glass of wine, and when we met, it was like BAM! There was so much chemistry between us, it was scary.

We talked/texted daily for two weeks straight for HOURS at a time. He had a different job and had normal hours. When we met, he admitted to me that he had some problems in the past – he had gotten three DUIs when he was younger, is considered a felon, and has limited ability to drive and work. I was willing to accept that after getting to know him. He was a decent guy with some bad luck. He completely owned up to what he did. He actually moved back into his parents’ place because he had to pay the attys close to $50,000. Hence, the problems with driving. He can’t drive weekends and only till 7:30 during the week. He also lives 45 minutes from me.

The first time we were together it was amazing. We literally stayed up all night long and laughed, talked, had great (I mean great) sex :) We had no lull in our conversation ever and laughed till we had tears coming down our faces.

We both had a talk about the kind of relationship we wanted, and I was very clear from day one I knew I could not take it any further than FWB, although we didn’t use that term. He said the same for him. Then things began to change in terms of the feelings between us. Each time we were together, it was like the first. He used the “L” word – said I think I love you, etc etc. I never reciprocated because I don’t feel the first few months counts as love, really. But he did say to me that he felt that if he was started to get jealous or have feelings, he’d pull away. We also talked about me walking away from it all if I began to develop feelings. This was just a passing conversation.

We literally talked/texted almost every day – then he got his new job. It was a great opportunity for him – at a big company, where they offered him a package with a car, etc. He would be doubling his salary. Things were great. He was very attentive and loving. Then I began to get cold feet since I thought it may be going someplace I didn’t want to. We talked about it and he brought up the fact that he considered us monogamous, yet we both were still on the dating site. He was very upset that I wanted to back off and told me he wanted us to always be friends, even if we’re not involved. He wanted to be the one I went to for advice and he didn’t want me to leave.

I reconsidered and things got back to where they were. About a month into the new job, they hired a new manager and the new manager took away his bonus package and put him on an hourly wage, not much more than minimum. Things started spiraling for him at work downhill, but he’s stuck there until his license is released next February. Being “a felon” he has very limited opportunity elsewhere. He began to pull away and I knew something was wrong. We got together over a weekend again, and he got in the car and said he was sorry for not being in contact but he’s stressed at work. He told me what happened. We had another amazing night together. He told me he doesn’t consider us a hookup and he’s extremely happy with me, loves what we have, etc etc. I make him happy and he feels as if he’s known me for 20 years.

Another week goes by and he is still not in touch much with me again. Then the next weekend, He calls me after being out with friends and I felt I needed to talk with him, so I went. He had been drinking so I didn’t bring anything up – he brought it up. As soon as he got in the car, he asked if I had been on a date. I said no. He said he was jealous – which he’s normally not and I didn’t know how to take it since he was drinking (he’s actually NOT a big drinker, hardly ever drinks anymore and doesn’t go out much with friends.) Then when we were alone, he admitted to me he has feelings for me. He said he wants me to be 100 percent happy and if it means I want us to be friends only, he’d accept that He said that I was lying being on OKC cauz I was with him. He made me promise that if things ever ended with us, to promise I would never break ties with him. I asked him why he’s been distant and he said “I just need to be a man.” He indicated he’s frustrated with work and just because he doesn’t text me every day doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of me. etc etc He said one night together is never enough, that we need more time together, yet he still pulls away.

He had been in FWB relationships before and I asked him about them. He said that’s all they were. I said what’s different with us – he said you are, that I like to spend more time with him and he wants to spend more time with me. He said it’s because of the type of person I am – authentic and honest according to him. He said every time we get together, it’s always the same – it’s fantastic and I amaze him, etc etc – goes on like this all night.

Then Monday comes and he disappears – not much texting and maybe one phone call. Last weekend, I went out near his house with a friend and he texted me as soon as I got to the restaurant (My friends say he tracks me with the “nearby friends” app on Facebook, which I think they’re right). We texted for a few minutes. The next morning I texted him that I’d like to talk with him that day and he responded with “What happened????” Then he called and when I answered, he asked “Did you meet someone last night?” I said no, but I was beginning to feel like one of his hookup relationships and that’s not what I want. I was clear from day one I did not want that. He said I’m looking at it differently than him. I said I’d like to see him more often (hence the part where I made it clear what I wanted.) We made plans for last Saturday, and you read the post on what happened Saturday. We talked for almost 45 minutes. He said he’s never been this broke in his life, he feels like a failure, and he wants to make it up to me that he blew me off. I’ve given him an out twice now and he refused to take it. He also made a comment at one point about not being able to provide and his work hours are crazy – 8 to 5 sat; 8 to 5 mon/tues; 12 to 9 wed, 8 to 9 thurs;

There’s so much more but I think this is long enough :) I know he’s stressed and feels awful, and I don’t want to kick a man when he’s down, but his schedule and finances are taking a toll on him. He’s not the same person I met three months ago. That’s why I struggle with how much man caving will he need and if I should just pull back and let him come to me when he’s ready. When we’re together, it’s absolutely amazing. He never lets me pay for anything, so he’s not one to try to get me to support him. He got mad at me once when I made him lunch and he didn’t want me putting so much work into it for him. He never lets me do anything – he does it all. I know we don’t get together as often as we’d like because he doesn’t have the money right now. He’s embarrassed.

That’s a “short” synopsis of how this whole thing evolved – there’s obviously much more detail but you get the gist. Thoughts?

BTW: the jealous man I talked about earlier, he didn’t want me to do anything either. He insisted on carrying all the groceries, opening doors etc. All very nice until you consider that this wasn’t open for debate – it was all part of his controlling personality along with the jealous behavior. That jealousy seems flattering at first, but it’s anything but. Before long you’ll feel like you’re in a cage as he picks apart everything that you do, what you wear, look at, your friendships, your colleagues. His insecurity and constant demands for you to prove everything in order to make him feel okay will drive you insane. It’s like walking on eggshells all the time. It’s hard to imagine, but that’s how your life will end up. It’s a mental prison. Be thankful that he’s not contacting you (mine did that too for a time, then started things up again.) Maybe if you stop answering him he’ll eventually go away. Near the end I was being stalked and thought I might have to get a court order… don’t let that happen to you! Walk away before you really regret it. If you think you’re unhappy now, just wait, it gets MUCH WORSE!

Three DUIs in a LIFETIME IS A DRUNK OUT OF CONTROL…this guy is bad news and if you, Alexis, are still stuck on this dude, then it’s because YOU, ALEXIS, ARE AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE WOMAN and will stay in lousy relationships until YOU, ALEXIS figure out WHY YOU ARE SCARED OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS SO MUCH YOU DELIBERATELY PICK UNAVAILABLE MEN!

its ok to be passive and not call and let him do the initiating, and not be upset if he pulls away for days at a time…. but you could end up with a situation where he thinks there are no boundaries to his behaviour

The “do nothing” thing irks me a bit

Ive had experience with two men over 40 that have DUI charges.

With both of them they lacked general responsibility, financially and emotionally. Anyone who drink drives is not a responsible person. To not see at the age of 40 or over how drinking and driving can kill another person is a giant red flag

Ah…now it all makes sense Alexis! You’re in the LEGAL BUSINESS….you’ve become jaded and in many ways heartbroken over how unjust our justice system is.

The American Legal System has made a joke out of honest women. They have turned the best and the brightest into hardened and bitter women who have been hurt so bad that they have hardened their hearts to love.

You are having all these issues with this guy because he is capable of breaking through those walls around your heart. It is really up to you to decide if you want to be vulnerable enough and let this man be in your life or not.

If you do want him in your life, both of you have to quit drinking alcohol completely. If you can’t then this relationship won’t work. If you both quit and give each other support to not drink again, you have a good chance of having a healthy and LOVING relationship with this guy.

It’s a hard road though. It’s totally your decision.

Maybe you can give this relationship a time period? U must have some expectations. if a or b or c probably happens or doesn’t happen within a time period set in your head perhaps u could exit? have u thought on those lines?? bec from what u saying this can go on and on and its just unwanted prolonged stress for u..

Greenie, I got what you said. I agreed with you. You won’t believe my fiancé was once the biggest player in the world :) because he’s very handsome, he had so many women in the past to a point I felt icky listening to his history. You think he’s commitment friendly because he committed to me so quickly? Not at all, before me he had a FWB for 1.5 years and he did all the disappearing act on her from time to time, but he never did that to me even once, unless I really gave him hard time, he would go quiet 1 or 2 days. A man treated you certain way doesn’t mean he will treat another woman the same. I do believe most men are wonderful , it’s how we as women, bring out their worst or best.

So update….

I don’t know if this is too extreme or not, but after a week of absolutely nothing, I’ve decided to walk…I’ve deleted him from FB and have had no contact whatsoever. I did it late last night, and as of now, have heard nothing…so I guess I made the right choice. I know men go into their caves, but to not pursue ANY contact whatsoever? Did I do the right thing or just push him away permanently?

Just started following this, Alexis. It sounds as if you did the right thing. You have to let him know his behavior is not acceptable. Anything less, and I’m sure you will lose respect for yourself. You appear to be well grounded and stable. Listen to your gut! ….and keep us posted.

So update from weekend, girls. I deleted him off Facebook. Late in the afternoon he actually texted me and asked what I was doing and where I’d be. I said I was busy.
Later that night, I got “hi beautiful” – I did not respond. I got more texts – I did not respond to any. I was doing the No Contact thing. He then called me. By that point I was so aggravated, I picked up to see what he wanted. He kept apologizing to me, saying he knows I haven’t been happy, that he’s sorry. He also made a comment that I don’t text him anymore, that he likes to receive texts from me, that it shouldn’t always have to be him to text. I ended the call – he asked me to text him the next morning. I did not. He texted me and then called. He asked me what I was doing – told him I was busy that day. Later in the afternoon, he called me again. I kept it short, told him I was busy.

Why do guys do the slow fade and when you finally move on from them, they come on like gangbusters? So now I’ve seen it was the slow fade and not mancaving he was doing. Time for me to implement the No Contact and let him see how it feels. Just wanted to update you all since you’ve been great in all your advice :)

Alexis,
Please be done with this guy for good. I see nothiing working out here wit you two.
If, you are going to do NC, remember it is for you to move forwards, gain calrity and allow more healing. This is not meant to punish him or get ack at him for his lousy communication.

He has already shown you what he is about, now it’s time to beieve it and find someone else that give your time and energy to.

When guys fade away and then reappear always know it’s not for anything good.

Khadija, believe me, I am done. I am not responding to him, I’m moving on. I’m taking some time off the dating thing and just working on me. I’m just curious as to his actions, that’s all. I know they say don’t try to figure them out, but I am overly curious all the time :)