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mama.
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Amanda
Hello. A very quick
Question please. We
Are in a cost of
Living crisis and
I am struggling financially and
It’s getting me down. I am depressed and really stressed out. I have a long term bf who has a load of cash sitting in a bank account. He knows I’m struggling but has only offered to help by giving me advice.
He has
Never offered me a
Penny of assistance. I haven’t asked. I’m
Just wondering how this seems to others ? Would
A
Bf normally
Offer
To
Help
You in any way or
Is
That too much to expect ? I know if the roles were reversed I would
Not have him struggle but I don’t know how other people
Would
See this in their situations. Thanks.Ewa
The reason why he has cash is because he doesn’t spend it… how is he like in terms of splitting bills etc ? When you go to the restaurants ?
It shows early on if you can or can’t rely on your partner.
You say you haven’t asked ? Men are not mind readers.
Saying that I know my bf wouldn’t offer to help me financially but then I’ve never had to rely on other people to help me so it doesn’t really bother me.Tammy
For how long have you guys been togethr? And what is his spending pattern like? When you go out on dates does he insist you pay ur share?
Tallapicy
I am sorry you are struggling. However, it is grossly inappropriate for you to think your boyfriend should give you any money. Perhaps pay for your joint activities would be nice, or if and this is a big if you are getting married and are combining finances…. Think about it, but even then you would be combining lives.
Amanda
We have been together 5 years. It’s a steady relationship. I don’t want to live with him for a few personal reasons nothing to do with him but I see it as I have an almost husband as it’s exclusive and we are close. He pays if we have meals and pays for holidays on occasions for us so there is some investment but he is wealthy and a very frugal person. I don’t rely on others at all. I have had some health issues lately though and so has
My daughter.
This has caused the financial problems on top of the overall
Global crisis.Ewa
most women knowing he is rich would not hesitate to live with him …
where do you see this going? you want to be bf and gf forever?
why don’t you talk to him? are you struggling to pay bills ? after 5 years you should be able to talk to your partner about your problems. he might not offer you any support though so you have to be prepared for that.Nellie
He’s not obligated to give you money, especially when you two are just bf/gf not husband and wife.
Liz Lemon
It sounds like he’s fairly generous if he pays for meals and holidays. I agree that it’s not reasonable to expect a boyfriend to help you out financially if you’re struggling, even if he has the money. My bf of 4 years has way more money in the bank than I do (he works hard and is quite good at saving money); I’m fine financially, and I do have money saved — but if something were to happen, it would never occur to me to expect him to give me his money.
I’m sorry that you’re struggling financially, that really sucks. But no, I don’t think it’s his responsibility to give you money.
AngieBaby
At the end of the day, sounds like you two are financially incompatible. I prefer someone wealthy but wisely strategic about spending over wealthy over frugal – because let’s be honest “frugal” often means stingy or cheap.
I had a BF for 5 months who called himself “frugal” even though he had money and it was a drag. He was constantly trying to find the cheapest possible product or service and it got really old. He had no concept of value. Cheapest isn’t usually the best, and you will often pay twice because you tried to cut corners the first time. Even though he had more than enough money, a focus on scarcity ruled his life and after a while I realized I didn’t want a future with someone who pinched pennies like he did.
I never would have asked him for money though. I prefer to be with people who are generous in spirit who enjoy giving where they can. That’s how I am. I wouldn’t let someone I love struggle or suffer in silence where I could easily lend a hand. I date men who feel the same.
AngieBaby
I meant wealthy but frugal in the first line.
And to clarify I’m with the others – you don’t live together and you aren’t married. You can’t expect someone to bail you out and then resent it when they don’t. If that’s where you’re at with him, it’s better to call it off and find someone else. He’s shown you who he is and you don’t like it. Time to move on.
Tammy
He pays for dates and holidays. Thats gud. Hes not obligated to pay your dues. I dont think u shld evn ask him to help out unless he offers.. you hv to figure another way to get out of ur financial mess.
Tallspicy
A relationship of 5 years where you don’t live together is in no way even close to being married… I wonder if he you are almost a wife.
Has he asked you to move in? Has he asked you to marry him? If he asked you to move in, and you said no, in my mind, you are deeply connected companions, but not creating a life together. And if he asked you to move in and you didn’t, all the more reason he should not support you or feel like he has to support you financially.
It is reasonable to not give money to someone you are neither living with or married to.
He seems generous enough.
Tallspicy
Perhaps moving in would be a logical step towards helping with the situation assuming he has offered it up. Then you are both are only supporting one home.
Amanda
Hi guys thanks so much for taking the time to reply. It has truly helped so much even just being able to vent about my struggles has helped
Because I keep things so much to myself and try to
Keep
Up
Appearances so I don’t worry my children or family. Or even myself sometimes I try to go into denial. I never felt he had an obbligation
To help
Me. I just would
Have thought more of him if he did. But he hasn’t so are we too different ? I wouldn’t have done that to him. But maybe that’s why I now have struggles. I have been so
Generous with my kids and family for years. Oh dear. Food
For thought for sure. X thanks.Tammy
You say i wldnt hv done that to him.. but thats not the most appropriate thing to say.. luk he hasnt done anythng to you! You hv not been able to manage your finances well and hence your now in a soup!
As you say, you hv given money to kids, frnds and relatvs in the past to help without thinking too much about it. Maybe thats your problem. Not saying you should not help but u shld help to the extent you can afford to help..
Just to give you an example. I had this friend who is in the same profession. He had this great job, shared a swanky apartment in one of the poshest areas of our city with a couple of guys, drove an expensive car! He asked me to lend him some money that he needed for his elder brothers wedding. He said i will endeavor to pay you back soon.. no timelines given. I said am sorry but right now i cant.. this guy probably made more than me or atleast equal to what i earned! He didnt hv to buy such an expensive car nor did he have to stay at the poshest area and pay an exhorbitant rent! And his needs wwrent an emergency!
At the same time my worjin partner needed somw money urgently. But he genuinely needed it and so i lent him. I got backy money within 2 months.
U need to be discerning when you lend money and make proper financial plans to help you tide over unexpected contingencies.
I think somewhere deep down you still resent that he didnt jump in to help you out financially. But then again you guys dont live together nor are you married. Could also be he is just a prudent financial planner and doesnt belive in lending money to friends since that is one of the biggest ways to drive a wedge between friends.
I also make it a point never to ask money from friends nor lend money to friends as a general rule.
Liz Lemon
You say you wouldn’t have done that to him, but what has he done to you exactly? You haven’t asked for money, so he didn’t turn you down. He hasn’t done anything to you, from what you posted.
Tammy has a good point about prioritizing and managing finances. Maybe you should worry less about “keeping up appearances” (what does that mean exactly?) and stop giving/lending money to family & friends.
It’s never too late to start working on your finances. It sounds like it’s overwhelming if you’re going into denial, I hope you can straighten it out. But you can’t depend on others for a financial safety net. Even if you were married to this guy, I’d say you need to be able to care for yourself financially because you never know what may happen.
Another thing to consider, I know you said you didn’t want to live together. But if your finances are really a mess, it may make him hesitate to live with you or marry you, especially if he’s very responsible with money. I know I’d hesitate to combine lives with someone who was in a financial mess.
Can you seek out financial counseling? Or even read some articles online about strategies to strengthen your finances? There’s good advice online.
Tammy
Agree with liz. Its never too late to learn. U shld start. Also another thing which just occurred to me why dont you ask those frnds/ relatives to whom you hv lent money in the past to help you??if you hv helped them out, am sure they will also help you now.
Amanda
Yes my financial problems and never too late to learn. I am
Doing what I can
Believe me.
I have always been responsible and independent but there has been a load of
Unfortunate events starting with a loss of my
Earnings due to the covid pandemic and then my daughter was in hospital and has ongoing health issues now and I haven’t been great health wise either. Also where I live fuel bills have jumped from approx 100 a month to 3 or 4 times that. Fuel bills, petrol, food and everything has gone up in costs. And now mortgages are increasing rapidly. It’s crazy and literally everyone is feeling the pressure too so I can’t ask them for help either.Tallspicy
Again, you may want to consider if consolidating to one home (moving in together) can help fix some of the financial pressure. In addition, I dont know how old your daughter is, but if an adult… she may need to take more care of herself.
Amanda
Hi yes it makes
Sense
Of course. Thanks. XTammy
So when ur friends/relatives need money, they ask and you give. But when its ur turn to seek help, you cant? Thats exactly what i said in my earlier post. Do not lend money that u cant afford. Hope thats a lesson you hv learnt. How old is your daughter?
About the moving in together, will help somewhat. But if you guys have never discussed moving in together, can you sudnly broach that topic? Maybe if he has been financially prudent, you can seek his help to navigate your way out of this mess? Who knows maybe if he sees your situation and struggle, might just offer help..
Amanda
Hi again. I don’t give my friends or family money we are all
Sensible
And look
After ourselves. I just mean I am a generous person overall. I would
Take my nieces and nephews out when they were younger and pay for that and I would be generous with gifts when I buy them.
I think my issue
Here is I’m not seeing my
Partner as
Being kind and supportive. He knows I have been through the wringer health wise and my daughter too and he knows the cost of living crisis
Is beyond my control. So no he doesn’t need or shouldn’t be obliged to help out but he could and he chooses not to so that is my issue as a kind and generous person. Maybe it’s my issue
As I can’t expect
People to think like I do. But I love giving and being kind and it defo feels
Great to me
So as hard as I try I don’t understand him and his cold frugal approach.Amanda
Hi again. I don’t give my friends or family money we are all
Sensible
And look
After ourselves. I just mean I am a generous person overall. I would
Take my nieces and nephews out when they were younger and pay for that and I would be generous with gifts when I buy them.
I think my issue
Here is I’m not seeing my
Partner as
Being kind and supportive. He knows I have been through the wringer health wise and my daughter too and he knows the cost of living crisis
Is beyond my control. So no he doesn’t need or shouldn’t be obliged to help out but he could and he chooses not to so that is my issue as a kind and generous person. Maybe it’s my issue
As I can’t expect
People to think like I do. But I love giving and being kind and it defo feels
Great to me
So as hard as I try I don’t understand him and his cold frugal approach.Ewa
I am not sure , you said he pays when you go out and pays for holidays etc so he is generous in a way but after 5 years you should know if your partner is supportive or not?
it seems to me like you are trying to find an excuse to not be with him.
Amanda
Maybe. X yes. Thanks.
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