Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Saying upfront that I want or don't want a relationship? Timing issue
- This topic has 8 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
Lane.
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Silvia
I’m sorry I’m so bored during the lockdown… I’m here back again. So being hard to get, telling him that you don’t want a bf/husband making him chase you and change your mind is one option.
Being upfront about being a “relationship” girl might scare a guy off.
Oh and also in the covid-19 situation. It’s tricky now. Dating is off. Also what if you slept with someone because it just happened. Do you continue to have sex but push the “where are we thing”.
(my case is closed, duh, question for the future).
Why the only guys that are smaller than me are really acting like they’re interested and committed. The ones with little options.. Hate it!redcurleysue
When a guy is in love with you he does not scare away. The subject usually comes up when a guy wants to sleep with you. At that time you let him know you are high value and don’t go to bed just on a whim. This will not scare a serious type guy – it will only put off slackers.
Give yourself time to totally check a guy out from different angles before you fall into bed.
Sandybean
I was contemplating your other questions and then read this last paragraph of yours:
“Why the only guys that are smaller than me are really acting like they’re interested and committed. The ones with little options.. Hate it!”
To me that is a very condescending and presumptuous thing to say!First, I know that people are attracted to different characteristics in a person but dismissing someone who is smaller (I take it you mean shorter than you?) will make you loose out on men who might be wonderful and perfectly suited to you.
Second,I don’t know why you would assume that smaller-than-you men have little options if you don’t even bother getting to know them. You have no clue to what extent someone is attractive to other people. Even if I may not be into a person, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t five women lining up to speak to that person. Also, I don’t know why it matters if he has other options. How does this relate to your potential relationship with him? Sure, you don’t want someone to simply settle for you, but settling happens because a person THINKS s/he has no options, not because they actually don’t.
It sounds like you would love to have a relationship with someone. But in order to get there, you gotta give people a chance and get to know them. That takes time! And no, I am not saying that you should put tons of effort into getting to know a person that does not interest you, but when your disinterest is based on their size/height, that worries me, because size/height is one of the very few things that have nothing to do with being a great partner.
Coming back to your main questions, I think it is always good to be upfront about what you want. The key is to state that you are not asking HIM to be in a relationship with you, but that you are dating men because you want to get to know them and find the right person to pursue a relationship with because that is your end goal.
I used to worry about being too straightforward but I realized that men who are also interested in being in a relationship IN GENERAL appreciate knowing – as do men who are only out for fun. This meant that men who weren’t interested in relationships bowed out right away, while I was able to get to know others better. Of course, that didn’t mean that we would end up in a relationship necessarily, but we always knew that we were looking for the same thing and that dating was about figuring out if we would be a good fit. I hope that makes sense!
Lane
I honestly don’t understand this generations style of dating? Mine never had to ask that question as men instinctively and intuitively KNOW that ladies date for a relationship, and that’s their primary motive and objective for doing so. Of course there are those wanna be ‘cool girls’ who try to act like they don’t, yet they are the first ones coming here for help when the guy starts fading or bolts knowing she wants more than he’s willing to give her. Probably even told her on the first date “I’m not looking for anything serious” yet she see’s it as some sort of ‘challenge’ that if he gets to know her, he’ll fall in love, and they will ride off into the sunset together. Doesn’t work that way.
Since its become one big dating convoluted mess today, covid or not, I think the better question should be geared towards the guy by asking what he’s dating for. You have the gamut of men who fall between the players; those fresh out of a relationship looking for a warm body, any body, to cuddle with for a bit; those who are just playing the field; those who are getting tired of the field; and those who want to settle down. It should be your job to suss that out before you continue to date them—if their words and action don’t mesh up, then drop them like a hot potato before they drop you. Staying out of the sheets will eliminate the timewasters quicker.
BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES, and be leery about the positives until they’ve proven themselves to be a good guy looking who’s for love, and a partner to settle down with, no differently than you are. It may not always be with you but at least you can improve your guydar and weed the non relationship guys out quickly if you’re truly wanting to find a partner or you could miss meeting him while wasting your time with the Mr. Going Nowhere.
kaye
When I did online dating I was always upfront about being a “relationship girl” as you call it. I wanted the guy to know I was looking for a committed relationship and not a f*ck buddy or FWB. If he was just looking for fun (and some told me they were) I moved on to the next guy. I find that most men are honest and will tell you upfront what they want. So if you are lying and saying you don’t want a bf or husband a man who is looking for a gf or wife is going to move on to the next girl, not stick around trying to change your mind!! Just as you shouldn’t stick around trying to change a guy’s mind when he says he doesn’t want a relationship.
I didn’t play games about playing hard to get, making him chase me, not being too available because quite frankly I didn’t even know there were dating “rules” when I first started dating after my divorce and 24 years of marriage!! I was genuine and if I scared a guy off because I was looking for a relationship then he wasn’t the guy for me to start with.
You need to learn boundaries. You decide upfront what you need to sleep with a guy. Is it an agreement to date exclusively? Is it a committed relationship? Is it simply after X number of dates and getting to know that he wants the same thing? Then you consciously make the decision not to sleep with a guy under your criteria is met. Then it doesn’t just “happen”, it happens on your terms and you don’t have to worry about the where are we thing because you’re just where you want to be when you sleep with him!!!
mell
The good thing about online dating is it lets you state what you want – a relationship, if that’s the case.
Sure, some guys often know that and lie and manipulate people into thinking they’ll have a relationship if they play along, then ghost girls later, but plenty of guys are decent.
This isn’t about proving you are ‘quality’. If you want sex, have sex. However, if you want a relationship, it probably helps to evaluate a guy before sleeping with them and getting more involved – just cos most of us feel more involved afterwards, and feel pressured to make it work so we don’t feel used. And never have sex to try to get a guy to like you – because to most of them it’s just a bit of fun. nly have sex because you want to – under the condition that are right for you. Personally, I really need to trust people first, so casual things are not for me.
If you don’t feel used after sex, and don’t mind if it doesn’t work out, then have sex even oon a first date – a guy who is honest will sleep with you on a first date, and still date you and marry you in the end if you fall in love. Kaye is correct, it’s all about your criteria – because then you won’t feel used.
One woman might not feel used having sex on a first date – another might feel used having sex before marriage at all – even in a LTR.
Sylvia
Ok one apology – by smaller guys I didn’t mean just shorter but the less popular with ladies for some valid reasons with very little experience in dating. Lockdown made me realise with whom I can talk to freely, having fun and with whom I can talk only about IT and nothing else. They are valuable, kind but I need to drink alcohol to survive a date with them and don’t show show bored I am and that I prefer my Netflix time.
I did the reverse – I slept with a guy very quickly because the boredom of the covid-19 was killing me. It was very natural and organic. I didn’t care when it happened. I totally believe the guy was thinking about a relationship with me, he told me so, while being really nervous, confused. He was more confused than I was. Then things got worse because of some of my actions and one big factor I had no control over. Wish I knew why but I wasn’t that into him.
Now I won’t be dating on this lockdown or meeting new people.
My grandmother says guy shouldn’t know you want a relationship with him. That’s it’s a turn-off.
I need to know my middle ground!mell
You discount lots of guys for various reasons. There really is nothing wrong with anyone with less experience, or who is shy. If you find something about a guy offputting, or find him weird, then don’t date him. Don’t date people you find boring- you shouldn’t have to get drunk to cope with dating. But be aware if you’re picky in the sense of discounting people for trivial reasons, you’re shrinking your poool. And that if people are picky, there will also be plenty of people discounting you for similarly shallow reasons.
Don’t date people you’re not considering and don’t think will be interesting – perhaps talk to people for a bit longer before agreeing to go on a date? I didn’t rush to meet people when I was online dating and talked to them for about a week – I only went on dates with guys that I had fun talking to. I ended up with lots of interesting conversations, even if there wasn’t chemistry. It led to meeting people that I wanted to date and that’s that. Talk to lots of people online, but pick guys you have good conversaiton with to go on dates with.
You don’t need to play hard to get, you just need to not run after people (nobody likes needy and overinvolved) and treat people with respect, but be on the lookout for signs of BS.
Lane
Sorry to say it but your grandmother is right! BUT you have to literally be in the “I’m not interested in a relationship” mindset for it to work. Honestly, most of my relationships happened this way because I seriously, was not, looking for a relationship! When I was young, and having fun, I had zero care to be locked down or settle down! Men literally had to wrestle me into a relationship lol. I had four proposals between the age of 18 – 23 of which, I turned two of them down, dumped the third, and finally married the fourth after making him wait 2.5 years.
Did the same after I left my husband of 20+ years! I had no desire to be tied down. LOVED my freedom (singlehood) where I could do what I want, when I wanted, whenever I wanted, with whomever I wanted—its very liberating btw!
My current BF had to work for me over several months before I finally gave him the green light. I had others try and fail but he was ‘different’ than the others I had met. Three years later and we’re still going strong because I don’t settle for less than what *I* want in a partner/relationship. It may not last forever but nothing does, however, I take my sweet time to increase my odds, and so far, its worked, at least for me.
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