Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Says he doesn't want a commitment but acts like my boyfriend…
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Amanda.
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AC
I’ve been dating J for 5 months or so. A little background…our dating started like most…dinners, drinks, long talks…this went on for almost 2 months when he asked me to go away for a weekend with him. That was when we first became sexually active with each other. Had a great time that weekend. Prior to this I was dating others but no one I wanted to see twice honestly. Every time I went out with another guy I just kept wishing I was with him. About a week after that weekend together he got distant and told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he came up with a dozen excuses as to why. I was a little upset, but I didn’t pry or throw any reasons why we should be together at him. I just let him get out what he wanted to say and told him it was fine. I wasn’t going to beg him to stay and I acted like I didn’t care. I did not contact him after that. Within a week, maybe 10 days, he contacted me saying he was sorry for what happened and he really liked being with me, etc. I told him I wasn’t expecting anything from him except that if we were sleeping together I would expect him to not sleep with anyone else. He said he had no intention of being with anyone else and only wanted to be with me. So we went on that way.
Lately I have been feeling like I want more. I feel like he is committed in that he’s not seeing anyone else; he acts like a boyfriend (for the most part); but he keeps saying he doesn’t know if he’s ready for that type of relationship. I just feel like he acts the opposite though. He also sensed something was up with me and kept asking me what was wrong and to please talk to him…so I just said I wanted to know where I stood with him and I wanted more. Again, he gave me the “I don’t want to be with anyone else, but I can’t commit” speech. At that point I told him that wasn’t good enough for me and I told him basically “good luck with whatever you’re looking for”. I then went back to the online dating site where we met. I noticed his profile was no longer up, but a couple of days later it was. My guy friend says he did it because I did but I don’t know and I haven’t asked (I don’t want him to think I’m stalking him either…I’m not. His profile just popped up and I saw it. Although admittedly I do check now…). That was 2 weeks ago after we spent the weekend together. Then he contacted me this past Monday (not quite a week after I “ended” it). Again, saying he was sorry and he wanted to be with me. I took the bait and we went out last night. Had a good time, yes had sex and it was amazing! Afterwards, we were laying in bed and I swear he said “I love you”. I looked at him in shock. I said “what did you say?” He said “nothing” and got up to go to the bathroom. Im not sure I really heard what I think I heard so I let it go and even if he did say that, I wasn’t sure how I would respond. I’m not at the “love” stage myself so even though I want him to say he will commit to me, I’m not ready for that! This morning he told me he a weird dream that he took me to meet his parents and we spent the night at their house and they caught us having sex. We both chuckled over coffee and moved on to discuss our plans for the day. He left all of his stuff here too – his overnight bag, razor, shampoo…I texted him and he said “I know. I figure I’d just leave a few things if that’s ok”. When were together he’s very affectionate, we go out on real dates (not just hook ups), have gone away on weekend trips together, and talk about everything. He tells me all about his kids, asks about mine, remembers every little detail I talk about…he acts like a boyfriend but won’t say it. Whenever we talk about this we end up “breaking up”. I don’t know what to do.
One of my fears is he only comes back to tell me he wants to be with me after I break it off. Does he just want what he thinks he can’t have? After some time (especially when we spend a lot of time together) he ends up becoming more distant and then the same conversation comes up and the cycle starts all over again. I know I should probably move on but I can’t help but feel his actions mean more than his words. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.
Any advice? Any idea on what he’s really thinking (yeah I know we never really know..)? Any experience with this?
Thanks
Options2
He already warned you. Simple.
Now he is back because you left him and noted you could be with someone else soon. Simple.
He is trying to hang on as long as he can so no one can snatch you. simple.
Now you have to decide: can you let this situation happen to you?????
I hope you should be able to measure the risk.
You look at the stock market this weekend . You can plunge one day or high up two months later.
The guy is in short term mode. Meaning he goes short term investment strategy… Low could be you… He gets in. High market – he dumps his investment.
You need to look for the mindset of long term investor so you can ride the roller coaster stock market.
I hope this is clear.
Amanda
With men the general ‘rule’ìs actions speak louder than words. Sounds like he truly cares for you. But as he said himself,he’s not able to commit to anything more right now. My opinion/advice sweetie is that you need to figure out what works best and is healthiest for YOU. Can you be okay with the current status of the relationship and be ready too be okay however things turn out? Or do you feel it may be best to walk away and start a new adventure? Maybe a bit of both? Date him and others – of course be honest about it :) Whatever you decide, ALWAYS remember you are a beautiful, strong, and desirable woman! Best of luck!
Gemini615
The biggest mistake you made here is not asking him what has changed each time he came back and wanted to start seeing you again. When a man says he doesn’t want to be with you and then comes back later changing his tune, it is imperative that you ask him upfront what has changed since you last talked and remind him that he made it clear before that he didn’t want to be with you. If you ask upfront then you’ll have your answer; either he’ll mumble out some bullshit about missing you but still not being ready for a relationship, or he’ll go out of his way to explain and prove to you that he has had a total change of heart and is ready to make you his gf. And even if he picks option #2, you still put him on probation and make him EARN you back. And if he still says he’s not ready to be with you, then you can send him on his way without being in the situation you are in now, which is getting back into the flow of things without knowing his intentions or if it’s going anywhere.
You need to nip this in the bud immediately and have a talk with him about where this is going. Next time you see him just say that you made a mistake jumping back into things so soon without knowing where this is headed. Tell him you need to know why he came back to you and if he is ready to be in a relationship with you or not. And if he says he’s not then you tell him you can’t see him anymore until he is ready. And if he’s never ready then it’s his loss.
Take back control of the situation. I have been in your shoes before and I let a man break up and come back to me several times over a course of 2 years. It would usually last about 3-4 months and then we’d split again because of the same issue; he couldn’t commit to a relationship with me even though for all intents and purposes we were already in one. It was such a waste of 2 years, many tears, and I made the mistake repeatedly of never questioning what had changed and why I should allow him back into my life. He would just reach out after a month or so of no contact, say he missed me, he was sorry, etc., and before you knew it we were back to seeing each other exclusively just like before. We must of done this same routine about 4 or 5 times before I finally was forced to end it for good because he slept with his ex and then pulled the whole “well we’re not together” bullshit and had no remorse for what he did. I blocked contact with him and that was it.
Please don’t waste anymore time on this man until you get a clear answer from him on why he is back and what has changed.
Greenie
I agree with Gemini615, you really need to deal with this up front and head on. He may be a commitmentphobe due to bad experiences in the past. There’s nothing you can do about that – they are HIS issues, and may indeed not be ready. If that’s the case he needs to stop reaching out to you only to pull away.
You can say to him something like, “I really thought we had a great thing going but I understand if you don’t want a relationship with me or the timing is off. All I ask is that you don’t contact me anymore unless you change your mind and want the same level of commitment/type of relationship that I do.” (And be clear about what that is… a bf/gf rel’p with the possibility of marriage and kids down the road — or whatever your goals are.)
When you frame it in that light the ball is in his court and you walk away and don’t have to think about whether he’s the right one or whether you should give him another chance. If he can’t step up, that’s all you need to know.
AC
Thank you all. I know you are right…it’s so hard though. Especially since he is the first man in years that I have even wanted to have a relationship with. I’ve dated many but none I wanted to be with like him. It’s hard finding someone I like and care about like this. But you are right…I need to decide if I’m willing to continue knowing it is not serious, or walk away. I do know what I have to do :(
LL
Wow…read your post back to yourself and pretend it’s somebody else….not so confusing, is it?
Wishful thinking will get you to the moon and back…..alone. Clearly it’s very powerful, because this man has been CLEAR with you. The ABSENCE of certain words/actions is glaringly loud here.
I respectfully disagree with Gemini. Nothing has changed! It’s like walking up to somebody who’s got no watch or cellphone and asking them what time it is. It must makes you look dumb. Why should you be asking? If you’re going back into it, getting all wrapped up in him again, to the point where you NEED to know where it’s going….well then you’ve already screwed up. Because he has repeatedly and CONSISTENTLY and explicitly told you that he doesn’t want anything serious with you. Believe him! Why don’t you believe him? That my dear is called wishful thinking.
LL
AC, I KNOW how it feels to meet dud after dud after dud and then FINALLY meet somebody “great”. But here is the catch…..they are only great for you if the feelings are mutual.
It probably won’t happen when, where, how, or why you want it to or expect it to. But it WILL happen. You will meet someone who YOU admire, respect, and want, who will feel the SAME WAY about you. If you don’t have ALL of that going on at the same time, then it’s another dud. When you find him, your whole mindset will shift and you will think back to this and LAUGH…hahahaah, can’t believe I used to think so highly of somebody who didn’t even want me on a deeper level.
He is HIGHLY enjoying the sex and companionship. And that’s it. It’s no coincidence that he backs off every time it gets serious. He is trying to cover his butt. But honestly, guys like this make me SO mad. Because he knows what he is doing to you. But he wants to take advantage of all the offers, and stop RIGHT before the spot where he has to sign his name.
alia
Listen to the wise ladies, break it off and go NC for 30 days. You will gain more clarity with each day and he will not look so sexy any more. He is using you for companionship and sex and it needs to stop. He will keep taking as long as you are giving. While you’re wasting your time with him, somewhere out there is a man who will want to give you and love you and think you’re his only one. Save your love and kindness for him. Give love and kindness to yourself first.
kaye
The man has told you repeatedly he doesn’t want a relationship and isn’t ready for one. You say yourself that you aren’t at the “love” stage yet. So why put up with this when you don’t even know if you love him?!? Get out before he continues your FWB arrangement for a few more months and you fall for him!! He’s made it clear he’s not looking for long term….
Tara
The thing with long-term commitments is that BOTH parties need to be in a place where they are ready for one. So much of it is timing. There is no doubt at some point in time you could have had a real committed relationship with this guy. But, if he is not ready for one, it ain’t happening. Compatibility means nothing if someone just isn’t in a place where they are emotionally ready.
Women tend to be more ready than men, unfortunately. Commitment usually relates to marriage, and often the thought just scares them.
It’s possible he may get there with you someday; but more often than not, a person starts with someone brand new when they are finally ready.
Glynnis
When a guy tells you upfront that he DOESN’T WANT a relationship, take it as what it is. He doesn’t want to commit to you!
Basically, you are now in a FWB situation where he gets to behave like your BF without the fuss of commitment. You have accepted his bad behaviour and he can get to blow hot and cold whenever he likes.
If you want a committed relationship, I say you best walk away from him. Tell him you want a serious relationship and he’s not giving you what you need, and move on.
Go date other men and find someone deserving of the love and attention you can give. You don’t need such drama in your life!
ann
Run far and run fast, if a man is giving those mixed signals with this confusing behaviour, he is only thinking of his own benefits. A guy who is proud to be with you should be shouting from the rooftops…YOU ARE THE SELECTOR AND THE PRIZE!!
Amanda
This post is two years old.
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