Says he wont propose over pressure

Did he tell you exactly what he’s waiting for? If you’re not pressuring him, and btw discussing your future together in mature conversation isn’t pressure, then that part sounds like an excuse. Especially if he’s blaming your family, it’s YOUR relationship. Family matters to an extent, but you two make your own decisions for yourselves.

Your needs and your concerns are legit, and aside from the proposal itself, you shouldn’t be being surprised by your relationship in this type of way 5 years in. Unless you’re still pretty young (mid 20s?) and have the time to wait, or there’s a compelling logistics or financial or other reason to wait, then not knowing what’s going on is otherwise a sign of bad communication. If you’re worried about age-related pregnancy risk, my guess is you’re not that young.

My boyfriend and I talk about marriage all the time without stress because we both know exactly where we are on the topic and want and are ready for the same things. We have some pandemic and career-related aspects mutually slowing us down a bit but also a general timeline / tangible understanding of what we are waiting for to line up better. My ex-boyfriends who stayed vague about this stuff and refused to really talk about it maturely and concretely were non-committal in the end. Is your connection, communication, and problem-solving together good aside from this?

How old are you both?

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and I totally agree that you should not get a proposal through pressure or ultimatums.

I’m curious exactly how he thinks your family is pressuring him? My current bf and I are both divorced. My bf’s ex-wife had an extremely overbearing family & they also married because of family pressure. She was really close to her family, and it was smothering. They couldn’t do anything without her family being involved (literally….they couldn’t take a vacation without her parents and siblings coming along). They also interfered in the relationship. It was one of the many reasons he ultimately filed for divorce.

I’m not saying your family is that bad. But don’t underestimate family pressure, or an overbearing family. It literally destroys relationships. So depending on exactly what’s happening, you may need to tell your family to back off, like AngieBaby said.

He’s 37 and being vague, blaming an uncle you both already keep distance from for his own lack of taking action, and came from a broken home where marriage was difficult and painful. Yes, his childhood is definitely affecting him. I’d bet money that he’s vague because he’s afraid and hasn’t dealt with his scars. You’re in your 20s, so his sense of urgency around you having time to still have kids isn’t that high. He is kicking the can down the road until it’s more urgent to deal with, but if he continues to ignore and avoid dealing with his own issues, then nothing gets resolved. Only delayed.

What happens if you talk about your own needs, expectations, and ideal timeline, and ask him about his and what he needs to happen to feel comfortable in taking a next step? Again, 5 years in, you shouldn’t feel you need to play games or avoid important topics if you’re intending to be married. You’ve got to be able to trust each other and communicate openly to work through issues.

Sorry hun but he sounds like a bag of excuses. This is why I refused to move in with a BF when he asked and simply told him “I am not going to act like a wife without being one.” That’s it, all I said and he proposed a month later. I moved in as we both wanted to do a “trial run’ and had preplanned date 10 months later which was the day we were married on.

That marriage lasted over 20 years, and have been in a long-term relationship for almost 5 years. We have discussed cohabitating, and marriage (after I sell my business) like mature adults but our children are grown, I’m a grandma, and in no rush because we are truly happy with the relationship we have now.

However, there *could* come a time when I might be ready, and he might not? If it ever comes to that point, I would NEVER ask him “when or are you going to marry me?” as that puts you in a weak position, such as begging for an answer, and I do not beg. Mine would be more like “hey, we both agreed that after A & B we would do C, so its time to get on it”—straight, forward and too the point. I would say nothing more, whereas if he did nothing, within a reasonable amount of time, such as six – 10 months, I would simply pack my bags and walk. It would not be done to get him to do something but because I am not the type who sits around waiting for a man to figure out what he wants. If he doesn’t know, especially after 4 to 5 years, no amount of conversation is going to fix it but ACTIONS will.

One of the hard lessons I learned in my first marriage was that “hanging on” doesn’t work long term—it only makes you miserable the longer you let it go on.

First Id like to say that I appreciate all of you answering me. This is a website that I trust and I think most here want good things.

We have been talking, and he proposed. My response was that I asked for time and space. he was hurt, but he said okay. I just didnt want to make that big of a decision with all these emotions.

Since then I have asked very bluntly if he would be okay going to the courthouse tomorrow (hypothetically) and he said yes. I asked if we had a wedding if he was okay with a date set 9-12 months from now and he said yes. I asked if he was okay to start trying for children right away and he said yes.

He thinks that I didnt have patience with him and he says he still stands by not “caving to pressure”. He says that he did have a plan, but just hadnt acted on it yet.

I am afraid of saying yes to him because Im afraid of this turning into resentment in our marriage. I swear if it had been under any other circumstance I would have said yes, but I HATE that it had to get to this point for it to happen.

I am afraid of saying no because we have had a wonderful relationship up until now. With the exceptional fight, but thats typical. And we had very good chemistry and Im afraid of not finding that again.

I have felt both extremes in the past few days. Am I correct in thinking that this event may turn to resentment on mine or his part?

If you really want to marry him, I think you can say yes and plan a long-ish engagement to see how it goes instead of jumping right in. Like maybe plan for setting a date a year out but don’t actually start planning the wedding (or widely broadcasting the engagement yet) for another 6 months. If there’s going to be resentment, it’ll start to pop up sooner than later. Over the next few months, you’ll see if you mutually enter a honeymoon period of yay engaged excitement or if there’s any behavior changes and uncomfortable rifts in the relationship or new fights (though it’s also possible they won’t come up until real wedding planning starts if he feels it as pressure again). But the only way to know if he’s going to get distant and resentful is to give it some time and see if he shows any big negative changes and it impacts the relationship after you say yes. If you say no now after he feels he’s moved mountains to do what you asked, I think that will make him shut down. But I can see how you’d be nervous based on what’s happened so far to just give him the benefit of the doubt.

Importantly, make the best decision for YOU that comes from your gut, don’t answer yes OR no out of fear.

If you say yes, you should still communicate your concerns and again, ask him to communicate his plan and his needs with you to make sure you’re both happy and comfortable with the next step. This shouldn’t be a power or control struggle since you’re both on the same team. (And why in the world does he have a plan for BOTH your lives that he won’t tell you about? You should also be in the know and have a say! Though I wouldn’t say it bluntly like that while things are sensitive between you two, I’m saying that as an uninvolved stranger.)

I’d strongly encourage him to get some therapy to deal with those family issues before you tie the knot, maybe even pre-marriage counseling together. But if he’s unwilling to deal with it, then you badgering him and even him going probably wouldn’t help. I am less inclined to think any future problems are going to be resentment about the manner of proposal, they’d be more likely tied to his intimacy fears that are still undealt with and can come up in all sorts of ways that don’t appear directly related at first (like feeling stress and pressure where there isn’t, because the stress is from his fears).

I think you’ll both make it past the manner of proposal, though, as long as words and actions match from here on out and you’re both secure in the commitment levels to each other and in the relationship. It won’t really matter later how you got together as long as you’re both happy that you are together.

I hope things go your way and get smoother!