Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Second chance for a guy who rejected me
- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by
SthrnBelle.
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Samantha
Hello everyone,
I was really good friends with a guy but he was in another country, so we decided to date when he came back. We both liked each other (he said that too) and had sex once, but before he came back, I went to the country he was in, spent time with him, and told him I wanted to be in a serious relationship with him. To which he said he needed time and we decided that we would date for 4 months once he’s back & then he’d tell me his decision.
But he never met after coming back so after waiting for all that time, I told him off, and we stopped talking. Now, after around one year, he said he wanted to meet. We met and he was being nice and asked why I didn’t have a boyfriend yet, and if I was seeing someone. He made plans to meet up again.
I’m really confused and don’t know what to do now. Should I meet him again and go with the flow? Should I ask him if he wants to be with me, when we meet and then leave if he rejects me again? Should I not meet him? I might give him a second chance IF HE ASKS for it, otherwise I’m okay with him not being in my life, but majorly I’m just confused. Please advise me what to do.
Laura
Well…people can and do change but not without interventions…it’s possible life could have taught him some lessons and he’s a better version of his one year ago self…
However…the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior so if he did it once…
Ultimately that’s your decision…I wouldn’t waste my time with him again though…who makes a deal to see how they feel toward someone 4 months from now? That’s unspoken and then when it comes time to speak about it it’s with both people in the relationship contributing to such…
To answer your question directly I’d look for actions…I wouldn’t alter his actions by giving your feedback…I’d just watch for his actions, let him lead and you observe to see what he communicates to you…
Rose
I think you’re the only one that wants a relationship and he’s just not into it.
I feel like he thinks you’re a car and he’s going to take you for a drive for four months and see what happens????
He sounds very not interested.
Why not wait for a guy that would want you so much he wouldn’t have any doubts?
Lane
I don’t think you know what a true relationship is.
Relationships aren’t bargained or forced with ultimatums, they grow naturally and evolve into one without pressure or demands—if you have to force/demand one then it will eventually wither and die.
Men don’t want a “serious relationships” because the word “serious” is the OPPOSITE of light, fun and enjoyable. Work is serious, taking a test is serious, undergoing surgery is serious, but a romantic relationship shouldn’t feel that way..when it does the romance has died.
Stop trying to control and force things with him or people in general. You need to learn how to relax, enjoy the moments, laugh, play, be flirty, spunky, and allow the man to decide if you make his world brighter and lighter instead of feeling like a serous black cloud is hovering over him. In a nutshell, you haven’t changed at all, already trying to control the outcome so I anticipate another repeat if you don’t learn how to chill out. However with this one, I would be extra leery and ask him some tough questions first, such as: WHY he wants to meet up (his motive)…then decide what you want to do with that information.
redcurleysue
Never wait on a man.
A man waits on a woman….period.
Rose
After reading Lane’s response I have to agree with her 100% although men sometimes want a relationship since the beginning, most of them don’t know until they grow feelings for the woman.
And then some wouldn’t want a relationship even if it’s the perfect woman because their freedom is always more important.
Samantha
Hey!
Thanks a lot everyone for the replies! Just to clarify that the 4 months time limit was a past thing, and I’d only done it in the past because he made me wait (said he wanted time) for a really long time and I wanted to know if he was serious enough to come and date or not.
But now the case is different. He IS taking the lead, I didn’t even ask him why he met now in the first place, simply because I didn’t want to feel controlling & I’m not affected if he doesn’t want me now. He kept asking me why I didn’t have a boyfriend yet? (as if he was really worried for my relationship or for me getting married).
So for now I guess I’ll just let him make the plan to meet up next and if he keeps on meeting, then after a while I’d ask him what he exactly wants. I’ve known him for quite a long time, and I think just meeting up is alright. I would, however, tell him off if he said he isn’t serious this time around either.
Please let me know if you think this is okay.
Kim
Ultimately it’s your perogative if you want to get back together with this guy, but just make sure he’s in it for the right reasons like make sure that he’s not using you as a plan B because he can’t find anyone else. You’re nobody’s second choice. You’re better than that. If he wants to be with you it should be because he really wants to and because he really appreciates who you are as a person.
Andrea
You may know him from a long time. But he has not been in your ‘real life’ for sometime right Or you his. I would be wary.
He is probably bored and filling in time. Asking you what you have been upto means nothing and why you dont have a boyfriend is to see if you are still keen on him. Once he ropes you in again, he will get his ego boost and then most likely disappear again. If a man does a no show once, he most probably will again.
Coming to this sentence of yours…I didn’t even ask him why he met now in the first place, simply because I didn’t want to feel controlling & I’m not affected if he doesn’t want me now.
– the fact that you met him after his disappearing on you shows him you are still interested in him in one way or the other. And some men are just satisfied to be forever in ego boosting mode and never ready for relationship mode…dont settle for this.Stefun
Perhaps he realized
that he made a mistakeSthrnBelle
I think that you were too readily and quickly available. I would have had him seriously apologize before going out with him. Sure I have made the same mistake before but guess what ghost guy then disappeared again.
Also, not good that you have not dated in between. You may come off as desperate and stuck on him if you have waited for him all along, not dated. I would keep my options open at this point and have him work hard.
Even at that, flakes are just that flakes and more than likely will pull the same thing again. Please do not get your hopes up.
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