Seen a message on his phone

Before all of this did you trust him? Or his this merely one in a long line of incidents that are tugging at your gut?

Honestly, after a couple of years, showing you his phone shouldn’t be a huge deal unless… you’ve made a big deal about other women or things you’ve seen on his phone in the past.

My ex husband was EXTREMELY protective of his phone, and honestly, that’s a major turnoff. Eventually, I looked up the numbers he was texting/calling on our shared mobile account that I paid for and googled the numbers to find they were for a female coworker (where they clocked phone calls 3-4 hours long) on nights I was out with friends, during drives home, etc. They also were to a hooker. It turned out that he was cheating on me with someone 11 years younger than I am- his admin. And as for the hooker? I have no idea what went down because I figured that it was time to move on.

I’m not saying he’s cheating. But what I’m saying is that there seems to be some level of mistrust where there should be intimacy. I’d either work on the intimacy or move on, personally.

Best thing to do is to confront it head on! I don’t know why women are so afraid of confronting men and demanding a truthful answer? You were given a voice and need to use it, if you don’t, well then keep on struggling.

I haven’t been in this particular situation before but if I was I would totally say “who the hell are you texting?” If he refused to show me he would be seeing my backside as I walk out the door. A man who has nothing to hide wouldn’t hide it IMO.

I did catch my ex husband e-mailing with his his ex once as he didn’t have enough time to hide it when I came up behind him. I was able to read enough to see it was just a ‘catch up’ before he tried to close the laptop lol. I asked why was he was hiding it and he responded “I didn’t want you to get upset over nothing” whereas I stated, hiding it is worse so just be honest with me from the get go and we won’t have an issue.

I admit there are a couple text conversations I’ve had with my ex husband that I would not want my current partner to see. Not because of anything I said was bad but they could easily be taken out of context and I would have to “explain” what I meant at the time I said it. For instance my ex asked if I was going to marry him. At the ‘time’ he asked I did not want to get married but if he were to ask today I would, not now but maybe in the summer when the weather’s nice. That would take too much energy to explain lol.

You are afraid, or you wouldn’t be here, asking…

Has your partner ever given you any reason not to trust him before in this regard? If so then I can totally understand where you’re coming from. If it’s as innocent as two friends saying a quick hello he shouldn’t be so defensive.

If he’s always been trustworthy then he might be pissed that you don’t trust his word. If you can’t trust him after all these years there’s a bigger issue to deal with besides this friend of his.

If I was in your position and my husband was in contact with an old female colleague I probably would be a bit curious as to why as well. If he hid it from when I asked about her I’d be concerned but if he was being open and honest about things I’d let it be.

Im so sorry for you. Im never for feeding paranoia about other women stories but this whole case did sound off to me. And the fact he said it was on you, to me is very telling. What would you have done if he had admitted he had been flirting/chatting with a girl? Because i think there is a real scenario he will come clean. Have you done some online digging? Meaning making a few fake dating profiles? Not to go all overboard but i do think he may have created dating profiles out of boredom as much guys that got caught say. Im not saying to go all stalker but you might want to find more evdidence.
Really, hugs and have a good cry. It really sucks he gave up so easy

Thank you for your replies, I am so gutted and don’t want to question myself. Reading your opinions makes me stronger.

Hmmmmm. It would help a lot if he would just say, look she’s only a friend and there’s nothing to worry about. If he hasn’t done anything I”m puzzled he wouldn’t just say that.

You might try calmly asking him how he would feel if the tables were turned and what he’d think if you didn’t even offer an assurance it was nothing more than a friend at least. You didn’t accuse him directly, you just said you were uncomfortable. How he’s handling this is now as much of a problem if not more than what might have happened with him and this woman.

It’s very strange. This must be very confusing and hurtful.

AngieBaby this is exactly how I feel. I’m a bit in shock to be honest. I have no doubt he loves me but the fact that it seems he is going to let me walk away without trying to show me there is nothing g to worry about has knocked me sideways. He has left me no other option. He said goodnight and good morning today but nothing else. I feel like screaming at him but trying to remain dignified.

The only way his behavior would make sense other than doing something he’s trying to hide is if you’ve questioned accused him without grounds on other occasions. If you haven’t, maybe someone else has and he’s triggered.

Two stories from my dating life…

I had a BF once who accused me a number of times of talking with other men with intent to cheat on him. It wasn’t true. I patiently explained, showed him texts, etc. At first he would just question things and I thought he was just a bit insecure and he’d get past it. But at about the 6th time he did it,I’d had enough. I said what your BF said – this is your projection. But I also stated, I haven’t done anything, I’m not interested in anyone but you and I’m not going to keep explaining myself. And our relationship ended shortly after that. He had an ex who had cheated on him and denied it until he literally caught her red-handed. He had major trust issues that I hadn’t seen in the beginning. Nothing that I did, and he wasn’t willing to address those issues to recover, he just wanted to continue seeing things that weren’t there and blame me.

On another occasion I had a BF get weird about a male friend of mine. Nothing I did or said made it better. Turned out he was still in touch with a woman he had slept with on and off for a few years and she was deliberately trying to get him to sleep with her again even though she was aware he was dating me. Let’s just say I found evidence he wasn’t exactly shutting her down, although I don’t believe he slept with her. I caught him in a few lies and had to end it. I heard later through mutual friends he was seeing her again after we split.

So… from my viewpoint, he’s either hiding something he’s done or said that he shouldn’t have, or has some kind of trauma from similar incidents.

Update. He left me no choice but to end it. He wouldn’t show me the messages. I know he is really devastated I have broke up with him so if the messages were innocent surely he would have shown me to put things right. I am absolutely gutted but putting all my energy in being strong and not letting him talk me round . Thanks for all your advise ladies I do appreciate it.

That really stinks. Did he offer any type of explanation on what the nature of the conversation was? I think your instincts are correct.. he wouldn’t let a good relationship go just to make a point. He’s hiding something.

He got angry and said he won’t explain himself like a child and I shouldn’t ask that of him. I said we have been together a long time and if I can’t be honest about my unrest well that doesn’t say much about our relationship ( taken from lanes advice ). He then pretended to read the messages to me but it was the most pathetic attempt at trying to pick a couple of words here and there. Basically saying she had mental health problems and needed someone to talk to. Again I said it was strange he had never mentioned this and just show me the messages (at this point I was so fed up of the fight and his reluctance) he point blanked refused . I said if that’s the case I have no choice to end it and we said goodbye , and put the phone down . He tried to speak to me like nothing had happened later in the day. I said if he had nothing new to say I’d rather he didn’t message me. He didn’t reply .