Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Self Sabotage
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by
Phoebe.
-
AuthorPosts
-
N
My ex and I have been trying to rekindle our relationship the past month. We’ve been communicating much better and resolved past issues. The dynamic has been great… until the past 2 days. He’s been very short and passive aggressive, but when asked, he’s said nothing wrong. Part of the issues we’ve had in the past have been him self sabotaging… something he has become aware of himself doing.
My daughter got an ear infection over the weekend and I had to cancel our date on Sunday. Now today (Tuesday) is his Birthday and I’m unable to do anything because of my work schedule. I told him I’d treat him to sushi tomorrow evening to celebrate. Texted him a super sweet message to wake up to this morning. But he’s upset… saying I’m not making enough of an effort. That he’s been understanding. But that he wanted a phone call (not just a text) and to be able to see me on his actual birthday!! While I understand his disappointment, he’s making me feel terrible in return… that what I am doing is not enough or appreciated.
Everyone has their own feelings on birthdays, I suppose. He says he’s always had to spend his birthday alone (I was with him last year on his birthday, but I can’t account for whatever this brings up from before I knew him).
I think this is self sabotage
and has really made me reconsider whether we can have a future together or not. I don’t know that I can deal with something like this long term. While I’m not expecting anyone to tell me what to do or not to do in this situation, I’d appreciate advice and comments. TIA.Better off single
[deleted]
Hi Better off Single – please respect our forum. As we discussed months ago, I hope you got the help you need. You’re free to read posts here, but not make new topics or reply. That’s because you were banned from this forum for the reasons discussed earlier. That ban did not expire. Do not post here. I’m not putting any more time or effort into addressing you.
Meanwhile – N, I apologize, I don’t mean to derail your topic! Hopefully the rest of our community can come by with some advice!
T from NY
I’m sorry but there’s just not enough information to really be helpful because I do not know if he is someone who has needs because he has a preoccupied-insecure attachment issue (in which case he can improve with the help of a loving, securely attached partner over time. Or if he is truly self sabotaging and a needy leech of a partner that it doesn’t matter what you do – it will never be enough.
Again without more context it’s really hard to say. I know, for me, if I had just rekindled with my ex in the last 30 days and they had to first cancel our Sunday date and then also couldn’t see me on my birthday on Tuesday – I would be pissed. Sure you’ll have super easy breezy people on here who will say — it’s just a day, and, be understanding! But I have a definite need to feel special to my partner and go out of my way to make them feel that way on a regular basis as well as on special days. And there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you need if it’s not crazy unreasonable.
No chance you could have called in, taken off early or dropped by on the way home after work? If it’s true it was absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to see him, then yes. He’s being a boob. And I don’t blame you for not wanting to put up with that drama for rest of your life. It could just be he is too much for any healthy person. Or you two have incompatible attachment styles.
N
He wanted a sushi dinner and the place he wants to eat at doesn’t open till 5PM. I can’t do that today, which is why I offered tomorrow. I think that is understandable.
Could I have done something else instead? Perhaps. But my intentions were good and it was a heartfelt gesture. I didn’t expect to be told my efforts weren’t enough… especially considering we’ve only been rekindling a month.
Last year, he couldn’t take me out on my actual birthday because he had to work. I wasn’t mad. I was appreciative of the effort he gave.
kaye
If it were me I would remind him how he couldn’t take me out on my actual birthday because of work and I didn’t get upset. Of course I would probably have made an effort to see him on his birthday and stop by with a card or a gift. ESPECIALLY when it’s only been a month you’ve been back together.
Do you know why he’s been short the past 2 days? Could something be going on at work or with a family member or friend which has him upset? It could be he’s in a bad mood over something and you not calling him or seeing him today has made it worse. It could have nothing to do with self sabotage.
Also did you just assume he wanted to do the sushi place so it couldn’t be today or is that something he told you he wanted to do for his birthday? Because maybe he could have been just as happy grabbing a steak somewhere today rather than waiting for sushi tomorrow. Because I’m with T from NY. I would be pretty irritated if I had just gotten together with my boyfriend and he didn’t call or see me on my birthday. He does sound more like a woman complaining about it though! LOL
Phoebe
If he did happen to have attachment issues then just trying to rekindle the relationship could in itself be incredibly stressful, (especially if you were the one who ended it initially), and any perceived sleight might be magnified to epic proportions to someone in that state. You don’t sound as though you care that he is hurting in either case, whether justifiably or not, and that indicates to me that perhaps you don’t consider his feelings much.
-
AuthorPosts
