Home › Forums › Texting Advice › Sending A Letter for a Second Chance
- This topic has 14 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
Franny.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Elisabeth G.
2019 November I had met someone very special. We instantly started seeing each other and things went quickly – even though I was in charge of the pace, and made sure nothing happens pre-maturely – Which he really liked me for – it was still fast, he introduced me to childhood friends, called me multiple times a day, we informed each other on everything. We both had serious intentions, he made it clear that he is looking for a long term relationship, and we shared our interest / dream in marriage and creating a family one day and it felt like we were falling in love.
Being 25 y old, struggling with serious newly discovered health issues, alone in a country I just arrived two months prior to meeting him, I truly had a lot on my plate, but mostly i was slowly getting engrossed by the stratospheric weight of dealing with the fear of getting hurt again in a romantic involvement. So I kept my cool, a steady pace and I spoke openly about it all. — A bit of context, I am a 6ft (1.83 m) blonde girl who seem to strike people as very confident and switched on and just on top of life – which is true to some degree but I also have moments of self-doubt and times when if feel as though i m not enough. As I started to open up to him more, I showed more of my weak side, and he started showing less interest and told me he likes me for my confidence rather. It spiralled out for me from there with my fears and I somehow became a little sensitive and perhaps needy at times around him from around 2020.Mid January, he had a little out of character act, and it was my moment to break up with him and give all his stuff back and I remember I just really wanted to end it and focus on me, and observe this unfolding pattern in me. So I did.
I now realise, I needed some perspective and space. Anyway I took a week to meditate, yoga, journal and figure out my internal conflicts. I realised I was just not grounded internally. So end of January, I asked him to meet me. He was very friendly but when I told him what happened and how I want fresh start he said the following;
” I am at peace. I dind’t feel any pain or hurt or what so ever from our break up. And I have fully moved on. ” he didn’t feel any hurt or pain around us ending, and he also said he fully moved on. ”
A part of me really couldn’t believe he moved on in a WEEK and maybe this is a protection mechanism because we did share something special, and I ended it arbitrarily, and he was actually hurt but too macho to admit it. – he is the oldest of 8 siblings, was raised to always be the strong one.
So we left it at that, I was cool with it, we chatted about other things and hugged goodbye. Then we were still in touch he was curious about my new tattoo, we sent songs to each other etc.Then, over the next two weeks I realised he is someone I am willing to fight for and I will go out of my way to show him. So on the 14th of Feb, I had arranged to go over to his place with him and share a bottle of wine on his balcony. We got really tipsy together for the first time since I couldn’t drink alcohol at the time were dating. It was fun, but i deliberately didn’t talk about anything to do with us. We started showing each other our new handstands we have been practising and as we were standing next to each other I gave him a long hug and it felt like he liked it too. I wanted to kiss him but it didn’t feel like he was ready for it. Perhaps because i was a little tipsy or because it truly felt right, I turned to him before I left and told him I have something for him…. and I gave him this letter.
————-
Dear xy,I am going to be very brave here. I want you and I want you for all the right reasons – not because I am lonely or attached in any way, or I am pining for some fantasy figure. I want you because I see myself in the man that you are. Someone who, above all else, always seeks to be of service to others. Someone who conceals incorruptible dreams and is grounded in a set of values that frame what it means to live an honourable life. And someone who has a beautiful and ever-present hum of responsibility and care for others.
If you meant what you said the other day and you have fully moved on from me without any sense of loss— I let you go. But if a part of you still feels I am special to you, we could work this out. I am not saying we go back to where we were – after how I pulled the plug amidst my perpetual moment of chaos (a bulletproof oxymoron) as I was unable to untangle this love-fear dread lock of intimacy (weird hair analogy), all the while we were too brisk to get the balance between closeness and space right – but something tells me there are a lot more Russian soviet tunnels out there for us to get stuck in.
I am today more grounded in the truth of who I am and each morning l wake up feeling more zestful for the life I am building – and this is the progress I want to share with you. Sure, we are happy single, and we both have great lives with a growth mindset and a clear direction pointing forward. And, so I have no expectations, but what I do have is clarity about wanting to be/grow with you and wanting to be there for you.
I trust you read this with your heart and know that I wasn’t going to ‘give up’ on us without sending you something so sappy first.——–
What do you think about this letter in the context of the situation ? Does it feel like emotional vomit in any way ? Would you freak out from a letter like this or see the bravery and strength behind it? I haven’t heard from him since and it has been six weeks. A part of me is hurt that he never found the respect and decency in him to regard me with a reply in a text, another part of me is not sure if he is just taking space. Either way there is a pandemic on the loose and in light of this apocalypse, I really want to reach out to see if he is ok – but I know I am not supposed to.
Thanks for your time and thoughts on this
Emily
@ANM Staff, can you confirm that this poster already posted this question under a different name?
Hi Emily – no worries, not the same person. ;)
To others – Emily is referencing the fact that someone else had posted a topic about sending a letter recently, and sometimes we get persons posting the same topic under different names. It’s just a coincidence here that we see a similar topic. Given the “interesting times” we’re living in, I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people bring up the subject of writing letters.
Anyway, thanks for watching out for the community, carry on everyone. Stay safe!
-
This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by ANM Staff. Reason: Replied inline so as not to derail the tread
Shoshannah
It doesn’t read like emotional vomit to me, rather like, given the context you provided, a letter of someone who can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t respect the boundaries of others – sorry to be blunt. It just seems strange to me that you wrote things like “I want to build a life with you”, after he told you that he has moved on. Did you not hear what he had told you? Or are you too arrogant to believe that he may not see you in his future?
Both of those last two times when you saw each other were arranged by you. He told you that he doesn’t want to be with you the first time, and then, at the second meeting, you communicate that you see your lives together. Not only you’ve been chasing him, you also went completely blank to what he communicated to you, you just ignored – even mentally, it seems – what he was saying.
I was on the receiving end of letters like this, maybe that’s why I’m harsh. Emotional vomit is not the biggest problem, I could understand that someone is in a different place, emotionally, than me. What’s really annoying is when someone refuses to hear that it’s over, even after I said it again and again, repeatedly.
He could have replied, that would have been nicer. Even to say, “sorry, I don’t feel this way”. But even though he didn’t reply, you still feel the need to contact him now, because of the pandemic. If he did reply, I’m sure you would have contacted him by now – and perhaps this is what he wanted to avoid.
And, sorry again if this is harsh, but I don’t understand what “bravery” and “strenght” you see in this letter. Arrogance, stubbornness – maybe.
Well, ending a relationship is complicated… You should move on. Best of luck!
Tallspicy
Ditto what shoshana said. Twice you have tried to reconcile, twice you have been shut down. You initiate anything meaningful.
Men do not say what he said if they do not mean it. Men say exactly what they mean in general. And you admitted he was already pulling away. You decided that he lied to you and actually had feelings. He did not. Men can compartmentalize better than women, and it seems he did just that.
Please go full no contact with him.
Your letter did not cause this, he was already gone.
Tallspicy
Also, by your timing, at longest this was a 2-3 month thing. Not very long. This is a lot of emoting for something that long.
Tallspicy
Which I get, and have done before, but might seem over the top to him.
Tallspicy
You need to do some work on why you chase men who are losing interest or flat out express they do not want you. Please look up attachment trauma and insecure attachment.
Tallspicy
He is not going to respond and I suspect he felt that he had already said no very clearly in actions and words and you did not hear him so he now is telling you by absence. He has no interest in yet another interaction and conversation.
Lane
I think you are bordering on being a “bunny boiler!”
Seriously, do you think some crazy words sent to a man who CLEARLY doesn’t want to be with you is going to make him suddenly change his mind? It won’t, in fact, if I received this from someone I didn’t want to be with I would be wondering if I need to get a restraining order, or you need a psychiatrist.
You may think you’re coming of as OK but take it from impartial observers, you are not OK and need to focus and work on why you are acting so desperate, because the word “desperation” is the best word to describe your letters.
Jennifer
I just want to state that this is not my post “Sending a Letter”.
But reading your situtation, I think you should read about mine too and the comments.
I have come to terms with the fact of not sending the letter I have written. I really thank this community for the comments – even though it hurts.
Forget him and move on. Focus on your own health and of the health of your family.
You are not the only one experiencing these types of feelings. You don’t need him.Ss
Its been weeks and he didn’t reply. No response is a response. It doesn’t matter that you don’t like it. He has been clear with you but for some odd reason you are choosing not to listen. Its been weeks since he rejected you and yet you want to reach out and ask how he is?! No. Its ridiculous and embarrassing… I would be mortified if i had written that stuff and then been ignored.
You need to move on and accept this man has no interest and is definitely not for you!
Liz Lemon
I agree with the others. No response in 6 weeks is not “taking space”. No response IS a response! It would be extremely uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of a letter like that from someone that you made it clear I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with.
You dated this guy for 2-3 months. Many relationships end around that time (~3 months) because the “honeymoon period” starts to wear off. And from what you describe things moved very fast, which is another red flag– generally relationships that move really fast frequently burn out just as quickly. So the timeline of this does not surprise me at all.
Leave this guy alone, he made it clear he is not interested and you need to respect that. You can’t plead or implore someone into wanting to be with you. Either he feels it or he doesn’t. And this guy clearly isn’t feeling it.
redcurleysue
You move very fast – take your time in the future. That is the lesson here. You will find someone who adores you. Wait for it.
kaye
“If you meant what you said the other day and you have fully moved on from me without any sense of loss— I let you go.” Why don’t you do what you said you would do and LET HIM GO!! You’ve tried twice now to reconcile and twice he’s shot you down. Not sure what more you want. He’s not taking space, he doesn’t want you back.
And you seem to want to ignore the fact it was a direct act by him which caused you to abruptly break up with him. You wanted to end it and focus on you, which you did. People do not like to be treated as disposable and discarded at a whim. Either what he did was a deal breaker for you or it wasn’t. Either way it’s hard to want to be with someone who can dump you then want you back in a week. It’s hard to rebuild the trust and who wants someone who doesn’t even know what they want? He’s not taking space, he doesn’t want you back.
Please focus on your health issues, and learn a lesson from this.
Franny
The vibe I’m getting is a lot of arrogance and ego—like you can’t believe he doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t. That hurts, yes, but we’ve all been through it. Leave him alone. Take care of yourself. Keep your mind busy and don’t be afraid to be alone. And have some humility. It is up to others to describe us as “brave” and “strong.”
-
This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by
-
AuthorPosts
