Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Sex after third date now he is distant
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Scarlet.
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Nichole
So I met this guy and he seemed very charming. Our first date went awesome he did try to get some but I turned him down and I think that impressed him. He then kept texting me everyday several times a day to make small talk and brought me on two more dates. I got a little carried away on the third date and had sex with him which I never do only after three dates. Anyways he texted me the next day still and acted normal but didn’t ask me on another date. We did have plans to see a baseball game the following week… that I had made previously with him… so I asked him if he was still going to go and he said of course he was. Then I decided since he did not ask me to hang out again to ask him. He seemed excited and said he would. So we went to the movies the other night and had a great time. He wanted me to stay the night after but I didn’t want to give it up to him again so quickly because I am trying to tell if he is just a player or really likes me so I told him I had things to do in the morning and left. The next day he texted me and asked me what my plans were that day and I told him I was going to my pool and gave him an open invitation. He said he had errsnds to run and would possibly be able to join. Then he said he would text me when he was done. He never texted me that was yesterday and today he still has not texted me. Idk what happened lol he just disappeared? So ever since we had sex he has been acting more distant and not acting like he is trying as hard and now he has not texted me back at all in 24 hours which is unusual for him. Did he lose interest or do you all think he got what he wanted and is gone now and what should I do? Thanks!
redcurleysue
When a man is distant you stay frosty and distant.
He will contact you if he wants to….just get on with your life.
Jules
I’m inclined to believe he was only after sex. I mean he tried to sleep with you on the first date. I don’t think he was so much impressed with you holding out in the sense that you might be girlfriend material but more the mindset “I’m going to have to try again”.
Once he got you to sleep with him he figured the sex would keep coming. I think when you declined the overnight stay he realized you were going to what more than sex from him.
I don’t think its bad to have sex on the 3rd date but I think what’s the most important is knowing the man’s intentions. The fact that he tried to hookup on the 1st date should’ve been a red flag if you’re looking for a relationship.
Nichole
Thanks ladies and you are probably right Jules. I am just confused because he sends mixed signals. For a guy only looking for sex he sure cared a lot about texting me all the time and on our dates he really listened and wanted to get to know me. He also said little things here and there that were things guys say when they see themselves in a relationship with that person like for example he would talk about future plans or dates he wanted to do with me. Or he acted kind of upset when I told him next year I may become a travel nurse and leave and he said something about well what if you find love then will you leave. And he keeps trying to convince me about why Denver is so great and that I need to visit it and want to move there. (He is from Denver and plans on moving back there eventually I guess). So Idk…. I can’t tell! Or maybe I scared him off cuz I had sex with him and he lost interest.
LL
Nichole those are not mixed signals. News flash, men know what to say and how to act in order to make you think “awwww he cares”. They ain’t dumb.
If you’re going to sit here and analyze “signals” then stick to actions only. Not words. Just. Actions.
Is it confusing now?
He’s passed up more than one opportunity to spend time around you. Next!
LL
Also don’t worry so much about doing right and wrong. When you find your match made in heaven real life will just flow and all those silly things will seem so unimportant. Just keep looking til you find a man who considers you the jelly to his peanut butter. He won’t confuse you. He’ll be after you. Even if you got this guy to “chase” you it would be fake. There would always be an end point. Don’t make this whole guy thing harder than it is. Men are actually very simple and striaghtforward as long as you know and understand and acknowledege the fact that they will do/ say/ act like ANYTHING to keep multiple decent sex options around. That is why, when they find one who is special, they will make sure it is KNOWN. They will reach out and lock you down. If it happens any other way….if you have to do any more convincing or analyzing than zero…then it’s not gonna work out in the end. Learned this the hard way.
Nichole
Thanks LL! Very good point. I liked this guy and should not have let my emotions get the best of me. It just sucks cuz I thought he was a good one but you are correct the right one will be even better and not make me confused. So now I just need to get over him and not let him get to me.. which is the hard part lol but will be fine and I can do it!
Sensy
He is not contacting you now for dates so just forget about him unless he happens to step up to see you. No couch dates…beware.
Khadija
When you sleep with a man early on you don’t what his intentions are for you.
That’s why it’s best to wait so you don’t have to wonder later on.
To be honest he made his intentions clear on the first date.
I think this guy is only after sex, sorry to say that.
Next time please take your time to avoid things like this.Laura
Dear Nichole,
I agree with many of the girls who already answered. He wanted sex and he got it. I beg you, please do not feel bad about it, ans it happens to even the best of us. Men are really great actor, the older they get, the better. I think he saw it as a challenge. And when he did get sex, he wanted to make you his booty call. After you made it clear that it would be that, when you left, he got the idea. Still, I would give up completely just yet. Just don´t get your hopes up. Be distant and a bit cold if he is. Don’t be needy and don’t plan any dates. If he’s interested, he’ll look for you and try to win you. If he doesn’t then ed it as quickly as possible, and move on. And next time, be careful with sex. Take your time to get to know him, and to get him to know you!Nichole
I know players will do many things to get in your pants and go above and beyond but I just can’t believe the extremes this dude went through to get sex.. if that is all he wanted. I mean he talked on the phone with me for 3 hours one night until 5 AM even though he had to get up early. And he never talked about sexual stuff.. if anything I was the one who made sexual flirt comments lol. He talked about real stuff and told me some personal stuff about himself. And for one of our dates I brought him to a local memorial that has a great view. We walked around that and talked for hours and he never seemed bored or uninterested. You would think if all he wanted to do was get in my pants he would have been rushing to get us out of there and get me to a place with alcoholic beverages lol but we did go to a place like that afterwards. When I went on vacation for 10 days he texted me every morning and every night just to see how my trip was and even told me to text him when I made it safely home from my trip… and when it had been a few hours he said he was worried I had forgot to text him lol. So idk if he is a player this kid has MASTERED the art and is the best player I have ever met lol and clearly very patient lol
Nichole
Thanks! I agree I did sleep with him way too early. I never have slept with a guy that early I usually have a 1 month rule minimum and I wish I would have followed it lol. But it sucks I messed it up.. if he really was interested and not a player… maybe the sex did mess it up :-(
jon vonn
There could be many non related to sex issues. He also could see you as controlling or not into him. In the Western culture the supposed to be’s are what out culture and sub culture teach us how it is supposed to be. He might not had experience in sex and now is conflicted.
Many times people ghost because they have different goals and values. Sometime the social groups has influence. The younger a person is the more difficult. Older people may have more responsibilities and obligations.
People ghost for differing reasons the are theirs alone. It’s ok. Now about sex. If you feel desire for a person go for it. Game playing is just that. While to you it may seem what is your rules from his side it may seem as manipulation.
There are no rules! Toss any such out the window and be your self as a human being. From some more of the posts it seems that having a “boyfriend” was more important than him. In other words a trophy. Perhaps that is not what you meant but to me it reeks of game playing on your part.lynds
perhaps he thought the sex was shit! my dads always said to me a bloke will not hang around if the girl drops her knickers too soon
Ashley
if he was truly into you for you he wouldn’t act like that, even if you had sex too soon. that’s all you need to know
Jules
Nichole another thing it could be is that he didn’t feel the in person chemistry was as great as you did. I read your follow up post about all the texting and phone calls that were made prior to the date. It sounds like you guys did quite a bit of talking before even meeting. This can be kind of dangerous as far as feelings developing. All the talking before a date can give off a false sense of closeness. It probably felt great to have this guy you haven’t even met appear so interested–the same was probably true for this guy. It feels good to have someone to text and talk with.
It’s when you bring all that conversation to real life that feelings can change. I’ve definitely met guys that I thought were really great online and therefore I accepted a date–the chemistry didn’t translate. It’s not anyone’s fault, its just a part of dating.
I would ward against too much communication before a first date. I normally have a one week rule. If they don’t ask me out within the first week, I stop talking to them.
mahen
If he really like you means he will contact at least after some time other wise better to loose hope on him.
kaye
It has gotten to the point that guys expect this “3 date rule.” A lot of them will put in all the effort with the text messages, phone calls, great dates, and then if it either does or doesn’t happen on the 3rd date..they’re gone! I had a guy who I had great chemistry with, amazing dates, and great deep conversation about anything. He was texting me good morning, good night and all through out the day, but I just didn’t want to get physical because at the time my ex and I were beginning to rekindle our relationship. So I told the guy no on the first date after he got way too “hands on”. By the third date he was seriously expecting it to happen and when I said no again that was the last I ever heard from him!! But I have this sneaking suspicion that even if we had been intimate that is the last I would have heard from him. Guys in my age range who have been dating awhile know exactly what to say and how to act to get what they want. And it’s so easy to get these women on the dating sites to put out after 1-3 dates that many of them don’t want to put in the effort for a woman of value. You don’t want that kind of guy anyway!!!
Greenie
Men expect you to hold out for a while when it comes to sex, but hope with a little charm and effort you will come around. The distance is so you’ll realize that sex is not going to lead to a relationship with them. If you didn’t have sex and made them date you for a while then those who only wanted sex would fall off like a scab and those who (potentially) wanted more would still be around.
Jenny
Well, the way I see it is that BECAUSE you had sex with him, you now expect him to make more of a commitment to you. Girls these days tend to think guys should value sex more than them. In all honesty, with apps like tinder and all the social media, girls that are willing to “hook up” are a dime a dozen. To me it doesn’t matter WHEN you have sex, as long as you’re aware of a guys true intentions. And that generally takes more than a couple “dates”. First off, for a guy to try to sleep with you date 1 means that something was off as far as signals and interpretation… When did first dates guarantee interest? And even when they do, why does that entail ANYTHING physical? 3-5 dates should be strictly platonic- genuinely measuring compatibility on a personality level. If you like him, show him but also maintain the dignity to leave if he isn’t able to meet your standards. There’s always talk of what HE’s feeling, what HE wants, what HIS intentions are… F*CK THAT! I’m thinking about what I’M feeling, if he’s fulfilling MY needs in the arrangement. Of course, my intentions are MUTUAL happiness but NOT at the expense of myself.
Jenny
And the whole “I never do that on the 3rd date” thing is a joke. You’re furthering the stigma of having sex “too soon”… The only reason girls say this is because they don’t want to look like a sl*t or something and the joke is on us bc guys are either delusional and believe you or they think you’re a wh*re who’s full of sh*t. Bottom line, I have sex with whomever I want, whenever I want and that’s because I’m a grown a*s adult and can make conscious decisions of who and when I sleep with someone, no excuses or validation necessary. Sex is sacred and is probably my hook in reference to guys I date, meaning once we sleep together they’re hard to get rid of. But girls try to use this as a way to reel them in as they’re struggling on the boat because they *the guys/fish want to swim away… Sex can be a hook for sure but it’s your personality that keeps them from fighting you and swimming away… If you’re enchanting enough, you can cut that line and they continue to circle your boat. From there you choose the brightest, biggest fish to jump in and swim with :)
Greenie
Another thing… I know it’s tempting to have sex with a man early on (if there is chemistry or attraction) but the best thing to do is get to know each other better. That way, you won’t be disappointed in yourself by having sex with someone who is only using you. Or spending time with a guy who isn’t really into you.
I don’t know if this works for others… but I make it clear to a man early on that I will NOT entertain FWB under any circumstances. If that’s what he’s looking for, he’s got the wrong gal. This makes him THINK and decide whether he wants to date me.
Amy
Your reply makes a lot off sense, I can relate.
Raven
This post is 2 years old…
Anastasia
I slept with my boyfriend on the third day. At the beginning he was likely just really into sex, well I went for it coz I wanted him bad, after a while he confessed he “accidentally” fell in love so were I, so we are togeghet for a long time now. I never initiated anything at the beginning so he have all chances to go away without being blamed. I mean if your guy is meant to you, he will come back. Don’t push him, let it be, do your own things.
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