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- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by
mell.
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Ashley
Hey,
So I’ve been dating this guy and I’ve spent the night a few times and we haven’t slept together yet and we hung out again and I decided to talk him to him about stds to make sure he didn’t have any to be safe before I slept with him. The conversation went well and he said he would get tested for me but then he kinda was like well why we can’t we do this or do that… I just told him I wanted to wait until he got tested. I told him that trust me, I wanted to sleep with him and it’s frustrating we can’t but it will be better when we can and I know it’s safe. Well he’s been slowly not texting me as much and taking longer to respond. It feels like he’s going to ghost me. Should I have not brought this up? Why is he acting this way?
Raven
Because you set your boundaries… You two want different things-
T from NY
You know what? You’re a boss. You handled this like a pro. Do not be sad for long about this person. You’re taking care of your physical health and, as said, setting boundaries. And look – while you were watching after your physical body – it had the added benefit of protecting your emotional health. If he fades or ghosts he’s showing you who he is. And he doesn’t deserve to sleep with you. I’m sorry you might be disappointed but keep loving yourself like that. It will lead to good things.
Lane
Although I understand you need to protect yourself, I also believe this type of request takes the spontaneity and fun out of just ripping your clothes off and going at it lol.
I’ve had this discussion with guys but not in the “you have to get tested first” kind of way. I’m not sure how I would receive it if a guy told me I needed to get tested first, whereas I think I would be totally ‘turned off’ by it, for two reasons that immediately popped in my head when reading your post. First, I would feel like he’s calling me a slut, like I sleep around a lot, which I don’t, so that alone would rub me the wrong way. Second, it would be off putting to make someone go see a doctor, and pay for these tests (if not insured could run into the hundreds), just to have sex. Trust me, if I did all this and the sex ended up being bad, or he bounced afterwards, I would be even more pissed off. I’m sure he had some similar thoughts, and when he had some time to think about it some more decided it would be too much of a pain to jump through hoops not knowing if the sex will even be good or anything will come of it afterwards.
I do get the health issue and I think its smart to be tested in this day in age IF you’re sexually active. However, I’m not sure how you can broach or word it in a way that doesn’t turn a guy off unless you’ve built up a strong emotional bond/connection first, you’re an official couple, and are both wanting to take that major step to solidify it. You didn’t specify how long the two of you have been dating, whereas if it hasn’t been long I don’t think you’re going to be successful forcing guys to get tested just so they can sleep with you, and will probably have a lot guys bail out. Its one sure way to weed out a lot of guys lol.
Liz Lemon
I have to agree with Lane. Especially if you & this guy have only been dating a short time. If i were on the receiving end of a request like this with someone i’d recently started dating, it would turn me off. What’s he supposed to do, present you with a note from his doctor showing he’s clean? When having sex with a new partner you should always use condoms & take precautions of course. But i’m not sure it’s realistic to expect a full medical workup from every new sex partner.
I am not in any way disparaging you for having this boundary & making it clear. In fact i applaud you for knowing and clearly expressing your boundaries. But it doesn’t surprise me that he’s fading away. I probably would. Having to make a doctor’s appointment, wait for the appointment, take the tests, wait for results, pay for the test, etc….all just to have sex. It seems excessive. And it would take the sponteneity & joy from the act, for me anyway.
To answer your question, it wasn’t wrong to bring it up. It wasn’t wrong for you to want & ask for this. You have every right to do it. But he may be pulling away if he feels it would be too much effort (especily during these crazy covid-19 times, medical appointments can be hard to get now). Let him go, if that’s the case. If this is your boundary, the right guy for you will accept it & not drift away when you tell him it’s what you want.
mell
Medically speaking, it’s recommended to get tested between sex partners. And there’s nothing wrong with having that talk before you start any sexy stuff with someone. Well done for doing it, and sticking to your guns.
However in reality it can be awkward to bring this up early – particularly if it’s in the middle of sexy times.
Personally, my compromise is being happy to do stuff with condoms and hormonal contraception, but having that chat as part of the ‘wouldn’t it be great to go without condoms’ step that comes with trusting your partner. Then it doesn’t stop you and your partner from doing things you’d want to be doing, and it’s easier to talk about these things when you’re more intimate. I’m not suggesting you take my approach, though. Only have sex when you feel comfortable and ready.
That said, if he’s pulling away, that’s his choice. You deserve to be with someone who respects your decision when to have sex.
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