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P.
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I’ve been talking to this guy for 2 weeks or so and video chatting daily. He is mid 50s and I’m late 40s.
The issue Im having is around sex. He told me that every women that he has been with relationship or short term had sex quickly if not on first meeting. I usually wait until I’m ready. My more conservative friends tell me they wait for a few months others have sex more quickly. I’m just not sure if he is telling me that to make me have sex quicker or this is his experience with women.
He told me he is happy to let me lead and will wait but not forever. He feels it’s like stringing someone along if it goes on for a long time. I asked how long is too long for you and he said it’s depends on how often you see one another. He replied by saying 10 weeks would be a sign that it was time to end things if we hadn’t progressed to sex.
We met for the first time the other day due to COVID and the chemistry between us is great. He didn’t even try to make a move but he did hold me hand etc. We did kiss at the end of the date. I kissed him. It was electric.
I know sex timing is personal but I’m wary. He does text me and calls me beautiful which makes me more wary but we spend many many hours FaceTiming. He has asked me to be exclusive and I do like him a lot and I’m not pressured to have sex he said he will wait but I’m Worried he is playing me.
He told me he likes me a lot, he talks of a future with me and it feels sincere, I’ve met some of his family over Skype. But he will tell me he is going to give himself pleasure thinking about me. It feels a bit gross but I also wonder if I’m being prudish?
We are both adults. He was respectful when we met but telling me he is going to pleasure himself over me feels odd.
He tells me he will wait for me and doesn’t want to loose me but is out their with his attraction for me. No dick picks etc but is upfront and isn’t shy to discuss what his needs are and mine n a relationship.
What do you guys think ?
Lala
Wait you have only known him for two weeks? I would be very wary if this guy. Two weeks (IMO) is too early to be exclusive… you barely know him! All of this talk about when to have sex and his past experiences… it’s not necessary.. It should happen organically when you feel safe and comfortable with him which I can tell from the tone of your post, you do not
.
While he may not be pressuring you physically, he is definitely pressuring you verbally. it’s a little creepy to have so much discussion about when to have sex with someone who is still basically a stranger and make no mistake, that is him pressuring you for quick sex. I would also be very turned off if a guy who I have known for two weeks tells me he is going to masterbate to me. That is only ok once you are in an established, exclusive and monogamous relationship. It’s all too fast too soon… Too soon for exclusive, too soon to be meeting family members, too soon to be talking about a future together. Pump the brakes big time or better yet tell him your feeling it’s lll a little to fast and not for you.Newbie
You met this guy once now right? And all he does is talk about sex even to the point he tells you he is jerking of lol. Classy.
There is no way this guy is sincere about you in his future. No honest guy does that after a few dates. All he does is groom you for sex. Not for a relationship. If he is attractive and you like a one stand, i mean why not, but not if you are looking for a future partnerP
Just to be clear we don’t talk about sex often we talk about most other things. It’s come up twice. I agree that it’s not classy to say this . He is part of the LGBQ community and I’m not sure if this has made him much more open to talking about sex in this way. He does over share his feelings. Which is a bit odd to me.
I do like him a lot but he was very quick to ask me to be his girlfriend. I find it a bit odd that he is so keen. I know I’m a bit of a catch but I’m not sure if he is blowing wind up my a… it feels genuine though when I’m
With him. But talking about sex in such. Matter of fact way feels unnatural for me.Raven
What part of the LGBQ community does he reside & are you in the same community?
Sandra
Him pleasuring himself over you means you are a fantasy that feeds the fact he is horny.
Its tough during Covid times, pent up frustration and anxiety.
He’s trying to release some tension.
Newbie
Is this the transgender man who lied about his age? You can be a catch all day long but really no serious guy asks you to be his gf after one date. Thats not normal. You need time to get to know each other.
P
Yes it’s that guy,
trans community @raven and no I’m not part of that community but I’m accepting.
I’m just not sure if I’m being too old fashioned. I’ve spoken to a number of men that do online dating and I’m really shocked at the number of women that send pics and are open to sex super fast 1 or second date. It just not me, not judging but I need to feel more of an emotional connection.
Newbie
How sure are you this guy is telling you the truth?
I have a partner but if i was single i would for sure be more into flings than anything serious. But that still doesnt mean i go have sex on a first date. Or i pretend to look for serious but go after flings. In your case i would count two orange flags now: lied about age, is pushing for sex. I mean if you have talks where you feel you are maybe oldfashioned and where he says he can wait a bit, thats pressure. Assuming you are looking for serious.Newbie
Btw you are lying about ages too now. Wasnt he 58 and you 46? That makes him late 50 and you mid 40. Arent you troy too hard to fit this? After one date? Being a catch is not really all about looks, its also being sensible, not letting someone push you, not believe every word, not accept a guy’s Word he wants you to be his gf after one date. Thats all crazy. Dont you see that?
Raven
You’re trying way to hard to please this guy… Why?
Liz Lemon
It IS pressuring you to tell you “he’ll wait, but not forever” & tell you that he usually has sex with women he dates on the first date. Don’t kid yourself, that’s pressure & it’s making you uncomfortable, or else you wouldn’t be here asking the question.
I agree with the others that it seems very early on to be talking about sex, & for him to tell you he’ll masturbate while thinking of you. You’ve known him 2 weeks & met in person one time. I understand you’ve done a lot of FaceTime, but still, two weeks is only two weeks! Even under normal (pre-pandemic) circumstances, I would think those conversations are a bit much for only 2 weeks of knowing someone.
He seems to be rushing things. Asking you to be exclusive so early on, for example. As has already been said, it takes time to get to know a person & build intimacy. I don’t have good advice I’m afraid, but I don’t think you’re being prudish or uptight. I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes. Just listen to your gut & don’t let this guy pressure you into anything you don’t want– whether it’s sex, or commitment, or anything else.
Newbie
P i take back the age thing. I read it back
Lane
Sorry but this guy is creepy! The one’s who have the *sex talk* with me early are the one’s I don’t have sex with lol. In all of my long-term relationships we never talked about this stuff, well at least right out of the gate and even then it was minimal, like trying a new position or something, only after we had been together for quite a long while first.
Even with my current partner I didn’t *sext* with him until we were together for at least six months and only did so when he was out to sea as it deepened the bond we had created outside of the sheets by doing all kinds of fun things together such as traveling, camping, playing pool/darts, eating out and talking about our lives that didn’t hinge around sex even though we were having sex as that happened organically when I was ready to have it.
For guys to talked, pushed or prodded me into, especially in the early phase (first month or tow) I am instantly turned off by it and just stop talking to seeing them as it gives me that “creepy” feeling.
I just think there’s something wrong with someone who is compelled to talk about the physical and sex a lot as that tells you not only where their head/mind is at but moreso about their *motives* v. getting to know you as the whole you are, not as a sexual object. Trust me, I’m no prude and I too need to know if they will be at least ‘decent’ in that area but there’s no need to talk about it and just do it when the moment/time feels right. Listen, there are no guarantees whether you have sex early or not, its how you connect on other deeper levels (interests, personality, qualities, appearance…list is long) that will determine if the two parties have what it takes to make it or not. Only the ‘test of time’ will reveal that to you as you go along or stop when it doesn’t.
Rebecca
He is way ahead of himself. Having the “sex talk” less than two weeks in, asking for commitment, and meeting his family on skype? Too early. The comment about pleasuring himself is worse as it is creepy so early. It’s not flattering. It’s an intimate comment when he hasn’t earned intimacy.
Worse even still is putting a time pressure on having sex. And even he said he will wait, it IS pressure if he said it has to be within 10 weeks or he will loose interest. Also, seriously, something is the matter with him if he thinks a woman is “stringing” him along if she waits. If a couple waits, it shows they are more committed, not less. If he feels stringed along, that implies he is only interested in short term relationship and sex and not focused on the long term. Having a time table isn’t something someone focused on long term worries about.
I’ve always waited months before having sex. You are right everyone is different, but you have to trust YOUR gut on what feels right for you. If you are “wary” and “uncomfortable,” listen to yourself! Do NOT listen to what or anyone else says. If even you are more “prudish” than others (and I’m not saying you are!), any new relationship should be make you comfortable. The fact that you are uneasy says it all.
Maybe you want to talk with him or step back and see what his reaction is. Maybe he is willing to step back. If he is truly honest about the part that he wants your needs met, he will listen. But if not, trust your instinct on what to do.
T from NY
Same advice I gave you last time about this guy. He’s still in super rebound territory. And I don’t care what community he’s from – pressuring for sex is the same everywhere – not okay
Also it is definitely not a good sign for him to be telling you he’s masturbating to the thought of you or to be asking you to be exclusive so soon. That’s not what men who see you as potential partner normally say. Men who rush you for sex or relationship too soon are not healthy and neither will the relationship be unless you wanna deal with nonsense and making a practice of pumping breaks
I think these would all be dealbreakers for me – but if you see enough good to stay – I would just seriously get clear on your boundaries, stop worrying if you’re gonna get tricked by this guy and do ONLy what you’re comfortable with. Reply when you want to. Go on dates when you want to. Be physical ONLy when you want to. And if he doesn’t like it he can sit on a cactus. PS the fact you’ve written in on such a young relationship should be noted as big information for you.
P
I met him over the weekend. I told him the night before that I wouldn’t meet him at his home but want to meet him and go for a walk first. I felt confident that I would get a good sense of if I felt comfortable. I also reached out to an aquantience and vetted him the best I could. But I was really going on what I felt. It was also a test to see if he would push boundaries with the meeting and going for a walk. He didn’t and we met. It was raining like crazy but he met me out with an umbrella and we walked. I instantly felt comfortable so we went back to his place. I really don’t think this is a great idea usually but I chose to.
We talked, played a board game, we made tea, he cooked lunch and we ended up drawing side by side and talking. No alcohol, no suggestive talk, we had chemistry, I could feel it and I was very drawn to him. It just felt natural and I really liked being there. I would never recommend going to a guy’s house on a first meeting but I trusted my gut when I met him and I’m glad I did. He kept his hands to himself. It was obvious he was nervous and liked me but I felt safe and respected. So far so good. This is probably the most drawn to a person that I have felt for a very long time.
So then I went back on the next day for few more hours getting to know him face to face. He made lunch we sat and drew and listening to music and talked.
The conversation came up about what he said about the masturbation. I told him how I felt about it and I didn’t hold back. He listened and seemed mortified and he said he would never want to say anything to make me feel that way again.
I really enjoy his company. There are flags but I can see them. I’m going to proceed but with caution.
P
@ T from NY
I’m worried about the unhealthy. I know what it feels like to be really drawn to someone and I’m hoping that this is all it is. He is super verbal for a guy.
I think all men have the potential for turning out to be not great. No matter how they present. I’m going along for the ride with this one knowing I might have to jump ship. But this feels more right then I imagined when I’m with him. I have stopped worrying, my boundaries are firm and I have made them clear to myself and him.
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