Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Shall I or shall I not?
- This topic has 18 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Raider.
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Raider
Brief background: me: late 30s, him: early 40s. We live in different towns but they are only 12 kms away.
His availability is limited due to work in another city (daily commute + no car, so anywhere he goes, he has to travel by train or uber). My availability is rather flexible, I have a teenage son whom I share with his father 50-50, so I get every other week to myself and I could do an afternoon coffee/walk even when son is with me. He doesn’t have children or commitments.
We started chatting on Tinder in the end of April. After a week of chatting, he arranged a date. Came to my town and we had a long walk, it was nice. Soon after he invited me out for dinner. It was nice too, although we didn’t kiss or touch. I wasn’t really sure at that time if I was that into him. I liked his company and I thought he was nice but wasn’t head over heels. Still, I was happy to proceed and see him again.
After the second date, we would message almost daily. Sometimes he initiated, sometimes me. Once he mentioned a park I wanted to visit and said “date 3 idea”. Then I mentioned a trip I’m planning and he quoted me saying *cough* (I guess it was meant to say ‘invite me’). But nothing ever materialized, a few weeks went on – and I was hoping he would actually ask me out, but he didn’t. He would still text and we would have a normal convo. He was feeling poorly the last few weeks and had a lot of work on his plate, so I thought I’d let him be. I was also feeling uneasy with all the chatting but no plans to meet up.
I stopped initiating chats. A few days went by without messaging, then he texted me – just to chat. I replied and that was it. There was no question in my reply, just sharing my experience on something we discussed. Since then I have not heard back, it’s been a week now.
I am wondering if maybe my lack of enthusiasm or not “picking up” on his clues caused him to doubt my interest? So I’m wondering if it makes sense for me to try to resurrect the conversation. On the other hand, I like it when a guy takes the initiative and is pro-active. So perhaps it’s better to let this one go.
I’d normally skip and move on, but this one is somehow on my mind and it’s bugging me :) What would you do?
Raven
He’s not the one that got away…
Why is he lingering?
Raider
@Raven, I honestly don’t know the actual reason. All I know is that he’s very busy with work, the commute and, as a long covid sufferer, he has been having some issues and he’s not been feeling well the last couple of weeks. It’s been a month without seeing each other though.
Ewa
you are trying to find excuses for him, but the truth is if a guy wanted to meet you he would. 12km – sorry to say but if he really wanted he could walk that distance lol I know no one does that these days but I am just saying that is pretty close.
I think he liked you but maybe not enough to see you 2nd time but kept messaging you just to feed his ego.Liz Lemon
Bottom line, I think this guy is not that into you. Two dates in two months is indicative of low interest. From what you’ve written, you’ve been perfectly receptive and responsive to him. It’s not like you shut him down. The fact that he has made no effort to see you in a month is very telling. A guy who felt a spark with you wouldn’t let that much time pass without seeing you.
You yourself sound pretty lukewarm about the guy. You said he’s nice enough and you enjoy his company, but you weren’t sure if you were into him. He probably feels the same about you. His health issues and stress at work may be contributing factors, but even so, if he were really into you he would arrange to see you. 12 km isn’t that far. When I first started dating my bf he was working a stressful job (50+ hours/week), dealing with family issues (his mom was ill), and sharing custody of his young son (so childcare was an issue)– and he still made a point of taking me out 1-2 times a week. If a man wants to date you, he makes an effort.
At any rate, maybe the guy just has too much on his plate right now to date. Who knows. I don’t see any value in resurrecting the conversation. I think it will just lead to more back and forth exchanges with no real plans to meet. Let me ask, why do you want to start up the conversation again? Do you feel a genuine connection with him?
Raider
@Ewa, I completely agree. Your comment made me laugh. Yes, absolutely, he could walk this distance if he wanted to! I don’t think the distance is the real issue here though. I am probably making excuses for him. He probably put me on the back burner and continued with the messaging after the dates.
@Liz Lemon, thanks for your reply. You asked a very good question – why I want to restart the conversation. Had to think for a bit about it.
Two reasons come to mind:
– My ego. I feel like I was ignored in some way, although one could say it was me who distanced myself, so it’s a 50-50 game.
– He was one of the very few people I could relate to. We both lived abroad and shared similar experiences, we both work in similar industries (quite rare here), so we could talk about stuff and understand each other well. But then, for me the physical aspect was not fully there. I remember sitting in the restaurant opposite him, asking myself “do I really want to kiss him?” – and the answer was “not really”. I thought that maybe this would change with time, if I got to know him better, but I wasn’t given the chance. That’s why I sound lukewarm about him.There are many guys around but not many that “get me”.
Maddie
It doesn’t sound like he has the capacity for what you’re looking for right now, and you should probably let this one go. That being said, I can understand how a long haul covid sufferer without a car would have a lot of logistical difficulties meeting up if it’s on him to come to you. He could ask you to go to a park near him or something, though. While you’d still need to feel comfortable making the transit effort in a situation like that, it wouldn’t be like this with him not making plans at all. In this case, you were still talking to him for a while so I don’t think it’s on you for missing cues that he was passively asking you out because your continued conversation should have sufficiently signaled your interest. If a guy is too insecure to be direct in making plans with you after a couple dates, he’s going to be difficult to date and not worth it anyway imo.
Raven
You didn’t distance yourself, he didn’t step up…
Do you just need a friend?
Do you need someone to take care of? You mention his health issues…You’re not keen on kissing him…
Raider
@Maddie, yeah.. he came to my town the first time, but for the dinner date I went to the city centre to meet him when he was on his way from work. I have a car and I could visit him but I was missing an invitation. A direct one. I guess you’re right, he’s probably not feeling it or being too passive. Either way, that’s not what I want.
@Raven, not really. I just appreciate when I meet a likeminded individual and tbh I prefer when things start out slowly. I don’t have good experience with people who I was oh-so-into and they came on strong. We all know how that goes.
tammy
guess you would have liked to keep in touch for an occasional meeting but as a friend? happens at times. u meet people and you have many things to talk about. but no physical chemistry.
Raven
Yes, you two should be friends!
Maybe he has other guy friends …?Liz Lemon
Actually that’s not a bad idea. If you have lots in common and you feel he “gets” you, but there’s no physical chemistry, maybe he’d make a good friend? Like Raven said, he may have other guy friends who are a better fit for you. In which case you could reach out and say hello, but only if you don’t have expectations.
About the physical chemistry– I think if you feel nothing after a couple of dates, it’s highly unlikely it will develop. I dunno, it’s just me. In my experience there has to be an attraction pretty early on. I met my bf online, and when I walked into the cafe we’d arranged to meet at for our first date (3+ years ago), my heart gave a little leap in my chest the minute I laid eyes on him, before we even spoke. First time that had ever happened with an online date! I totally wasn’t expecting it. The attraction was definitely mutual, and immediate. We took it slow (didn’t even kiss til the 3rd date) so I understand and agree with your point about starting out slowly– you should definitely not rush into anything. But if the attraction is not there, it’s just not there.
Raider
Thanks so much for your replies @tammy, @Raven and @Liz Lemon
I’d like to remain friends. Tried that in the past with other Tinder dates with no chemistry, but they either flat out told me they didn’t want to be friends (wanted more) or said OK but faded out soon after. I guess when it starts with dating and two strangers, transitioning into friendship is not that easy. There is the male pride too.
I’ll just let this one go. Hopefully someone more compatible will come along. :-)
tammy
o that has not been the case with me. when its been a fairly pleasant evening but its kinda obvious that it wont go too far on the romantic front, things have transitioned to friendship. i guess staying in same city and not too far away certainly helps. anyways you cant do much if the other person doesnt share the same view. o well no big deal. :-)
Liz Lemon
That’s a very sensible attitude! You can’t force a friendship, even if you do have stuff in common. On to greener pastures! :-)
Raider
@tammy, good for you! You must have met mature men who didn’t take it the wrong way. There is a stigma around being friendzoned. I managed to become friends with guys with whom I had already been friends IRL prior to dating, things didn’t work out & we reverted back to friendship. I have never managed this with strangers off Tinder.
@Liz Lemon, yup, onwards and upwards! :-))
Thanks again to all who took their time to comment.
tammy
well raider not always. the last 2 guys i met thru tinder. one of them very gud looking. but so boring. like i literally was falling asleep on the table and kept yawning away. i wntd to end teh evening but he kept talking and talking. i hv never been this bored on a date before. the other guy i met, it was on a rooftop restaurant facing the airport runaway. nothing to not like. i realised that i wldnt be getting involved. and i gues he sensed it too. but he still keeps in touch vide chat. u meet all sorts. :-)
Erin
You did just great, he didn’t step up. Just say, next!
Raider
@tammy, haha. I totally understand. I could write a book about the men I met on Tinder. Some notable examples:
One showed up wearing a raincoat, like the one from the horror movie “I Know What You Did Last Summer”. He looked nothing like his picture and I wanted to run away screaming.
Another one was telling me how he was involved with some cult. They meet once a month in a secret location to eat mushrooms and do group out-of-body experience sessions. Asked me to come along. That’s the last time we spoke.
And finally, there was one who invited me around to “his” house but his parents had returned earlier. When he spotted his mother in the driveway, he pushed me in the nearby bushes because “mum can’t see us”. He was 39.
@Erin, thanks. This one is out. Let’s see who’s next :)
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