Short term relationship break up – HELP!

Hi Beth-I am sorry this happened. It is hard and shocking I am sure. The truth here is that he has effectively broken things off. You thought things were progressing “slowly/steadily,but it sounds like it was too much,too fast to me.
I have been through this before- “my” guy liked me,enjoyed his time spent with me,loved the sex etc. But the same thing happened-at about three months he told me the above,but his he could not “make me any promises.” I was falling in love,but he wasn’t,though he would have kept seeing me id I had agreed to getting nothing more from him-a fwb in other words. I broke it off right then and it hurt,but I found much better and more suitable serious relationship now.
So,sorry,but this was/is not your man. I would just accept this. No contact is for you to move on,not a tool to get him back. Forget the painting-it was a gift. Don’t give others something you can’t afford/do not want to lose,in the future. I would text or call him and ask to arrange to get your other things back. Maybe a friend could pick them up if it is too painful to see him and feel false hope.
Dating,love and romance are trial and error,for both parties-like trying on shoes,some are not good or the right fit and then you find the perfect one. So,mourn a little,get your stuff and know you will meet the right fit in the future. Don’t be talked into any half measures like FWB or being friends-it only creates and prolongs more heartache. Good luck.

Thanks for that L, that’s very supportive.

I’m curious what the reason was for all the detailed back story. This is a case of a man you dated about two months (he was away on holiday with parents, back in Africa, and then work) who decided he didn’t see this progressing. That is really what dating is about. Men are pretty practical and he either met someone else or realized you wanted more than he was prepared to give you.

I do think the expensive present was his tip off that you were more into him than he for you. Signs of this all along include expensive present, making desserts, watching his dog and traveling every weekend to him that was a 3 hour round trip. Can you see you were more into him than the other way around? Your detailed story says it all.

Slow down in the future.
Do not ask for the picture back. It was a gift, not an engagement ring.
Have someone else pick up your stuff or have him ship it.

I see it as a case of a man not knowing what he wants, at his age he still expects a princess. From your description it appears that things were very nice between you two. But unfortunately he has not fallen for you. Has it never happened to you? Someone is great in all respects, checks all boxes but you don’t feel much for them, you can’t see yourself spending the next 15-20 years with this person (15-20 years as opposed to the rest of your life for practical reasons, as so many marriages fall apart)

I am sure that if you let him be, do not respond, do not contact him, he will start having major regrets. He already started playing with you, texting to you as if nothing happened.

You don’t break up someone’s heart and then start texting and continue as if nothing is wrong. You don’t feel it, then take responsibility and endure the consequences. But men want it both ways, not to miss you, to have your company and the nice things you do for them, and yet be “single” and continue to shop around. Is this ok by you?

Do not worry about your things, he is not going to steal them. Give it a few weeks. I guarantee that if you keep ignoring him he will eventually want to talk himself, so be patient. One thing women need to learn is patience.

Let him absorb his own decision. He probably expects you to beg and chase and be willing to accept crumbs. He’s probably done it before, so he knows that this is what women (most women) would do.

Do not respond to him, do not contact him. If he wants to talk about the breakup, he needs to specifically ask you to do that, in which case you should meet up with him and talk. But do not plea or tell him you want him back. You have already said that, this is enough. Wishy washy men do not regret their decisions unless they see the thing they rejected is gone. So let him feel it for real.

In the meantime start meeting new men. Do not jump into a new relationship, but start meeting them. This will distract you and will give you hope.

And next time, even if the guy feels terrific, take longer to get to know him. He needs to fall for you first. LOL You’d know when it happens, and it is not only about him carrying your bags, this is just good upbringing and good manners. When a guy falls for you, you’d feel it with your skin, this is when you can take things further. Otherwise, you’d end up in the same situation, you become too close too soon, then 3-4 months in, they’d feel they had enough.

Look back at your life, at work and otherwise, how did you acquire your best or very close friends? I am sure things developed gradually and over time. Sure there needs to be a connection at the start, a moment of “click” but this is not enough. You need to get things to season, to mature, to brew a little. Time is what shows our real feelings and our real relationships. I am not saying wait years, but positively more than 8 dates. And progress gradually. Do not talk every day, let him miss you, let him think about oyu in your absence. Do not fill your new relationship with nonsensical chit-chat that goes over text all the time. I am a firm believer that texting every day kills romance and prevents feelings from growing.

I am positive this dude will resurface, but in most cases, it happens for the wrong reasons. If he has not fallen for you in 2-3 months, he won’t fall for you. The only possibility for him to really regret his decision is for you to cut him off like he never existed.

Hi Beth,
Sorry you’ve had a difficult experience.
I don’t know what you mean that “no contact works” – are you thinking it works to get a man back?
I would feel that there is no need to seem rude or to play games, just tell him what you have told us, That you need time to think, right now you have nothing to say. You are focusing on your interview. (You may want to add that if you feel like talking sometime you will let him know. I don’t think uou don’t owe him a talk, just because he wants one.)
By the way, surely he knew about the interview? If so it was really shoddy of him to send you what seems to be a goodbye text right beforehand. Anyone would know that would potentially interfere with your ability to do well at the interview.
Good luck with the interview.

Don’t know what y’all are talking about. She is the one who insisted she wanted to speak to him in person. So now she is supposed to say she needs time e to think. Think about what? He broke up with her. This talk isn’t him getting back. It’s to give her closure since she asked not to just talk by phone but in person. He is being kind to her and honoring what she asked for. Emmayou always give false hope. You seem to think just because a man comes snooping back he misses the woman. Most men don’t regret breaking up. But they may feel guilty and send a text to alleviate guilt. Or they come back for fwb. No too often they want you back. The example u gave about the guy you ignored who apologized was a temporary fwb, not a bf or potential husband. Just a lover you had on the side. He apologized cause he eanted sex. Not you.

This was too much too early. You did far too much ‘leg work’ here and chased him v. giving him the room to pursue something with you. Had you allowed him to do most of the heavy lifting, such as travelling to you and doing what it takes to woo and win over your heart, the outcome would have been different.

I never put a lot of stock in the early courtship and take on the ‘resistor role’ as anyone can be on good behavior for a few months—its the MANY months beyond that will ultimately determine if your not only a good match but if he’s ALL IN or not. I know the resistor role may sound counter-intuitive but its not, it keeps you grounded during the courtship process so you don’t fall into these pitfalls. That “work week” was a huge CLUE he wasn’t feeling it. No man who’s ga ga over a lady would have done that, he would have missed you to the point he’d have jumped on the train to be with you! Those are the actions you need to look for—how much the man is willing to go out of his way to be with YOU!

His performance was lackluster and your trying to excuse this behavior is going to hurt you when you meet the next guy you really like. Resist the urge to go ‘all in’ before the man has.

Lane you contradict yourself lately. In another post you said your guy needed 10 days to focus on work and u said it was ok with you and he he didn’t get in touch for a wk. you said you didn’t notice cause he said he had to focus. Here you are saying the guy should have been in touch and not taken a week off to focus on work. Is that because your a queen and all men want you no matter how you treat them. Every response is this narcissistic opportunity to twist your own tales about Lane into a response on here. It was ok for your guy to focus for 10 days but not for her man to do that to her because she isn’t as awesome as you I guess. Sure this man broke up. So he isn’t all that in. Make ya feel better about you doesn’t it.

Yes, when he wanted to talk she said she’d prefer to do that in person. But as I said, she is entitled to change her mind!
I never said he was evil, I get that he has just decided that this is not the right relationship for him. However, he has been inconsiderate in his timing. I would imagine Beth did mention her interview – who wouldn’t tell such news? I don’t understand you saying he probably didn’t remember it like this makes it OK. It doesn’t. Either he didn’t pay any attention to what is going on for Beth, or he just didn’t have the decency to wait a couple of days to break up.

Umm, I am beginning to think you are rather rude – “whatever you call yourself” indeed!

No there isn’t a good time for a break-up, but a thinking man would know that anyone needs to be on top form for an interview.

If you remember my own post to which you sent a more helpful reply you may recall that even after a just couple of internet dates I let people down as kindly as possible if I don’t want to take things further. This man spent a lot more time with Beth, so yes, I think he could have been a little less selfish and a little more patient about putting his own needs on hold for just a while. Why do you object to my suggesting anyone, male or female, treat one another with due consideration?

You are making unfounded assumptions that I would criticise him for waiting a day or so. As for maybe there should be a rule – sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

I have no idea who Stephen is, but you are certainly antagonistic!

What are those “things’?

Leave him be as he’s on a trip. May I ask if your using them as an excuse to see him? If they can be easily sent by mail I would do it that way because seeing him is going to be super awkward especially if he’s nice but still has no desire to see you again, you’ll just end up going back to DAY 1 and feel even worse when your rejected by him again. Avoid that scenario as much as possible.

The things are clothes, shoes, hat, bag, coat, make up etc etc.