Short term relationship break up – HELP!

Beth,

I am sorry you feel some of the ladies on here are cutting with their advice. But your situation is all too familiar to most of us who have been on this site for awhile and who have dated. I had the same thing happen to me several times. It takes most men 3-4 months to determine whether or not they see a long term future with you. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever seen on here was to Google the stages of how men fall in love. You will see that it is only after they woo you and feel they have won you do they actually sit back and determine if they are falling for you. That is why as Lane always says it is so important just to sit back and observe during this time period to see if their actions match their words. In your case it sounds like they didn’t because you were making all the effort to see him, buy him special things, make him his favorite desserts, etc.

I totally understand that because I’ve been there and done the exact same thing when I was super into a guy. But those are the things that make them realize you are pushing for a more serious relationship and if they’re not ready they bolt. I would make arrangements to get your things and do your best to move on. This probably won’t be the last time you have a guy hit the 3 month mark and bail but if you can learn from it you will find the man of your dreams.

I disagree he broke up because things went too fast. He broke up because he didn’t start falling in love with you. And he told you this in so many words.

What prompted him to tell you this probably was related to your actions. But only in such a way that he felt guilty about you showing him how much you cared about him, when he wasn’t feeling the same way back. You didn’t chase him away. You just clued him in that if he continued on this path, he would end up hurting you more and stringing you along.

As others stated, men usually know at the three month mark that a woman is going to expect more from him. It’s a really common timeline that I don’t know if anyone really thinks about, but it happens all the time. Probably because the infatuation starts to decline and you start to see the person for who they are and decide if they are the best first for you.

I know it sucks. But just know, that undoing anything probably would not have changed The outcome.
And the being too nice thing? It’s not so much about that. It’s about mirroring and even allowing the man to do more for you, than you do for him. This way you can see how invested he is getting without getting overly attached. This doesn’t mean he will all of a sudden fall for you, but it helps to keep your own reality in check during the early phases of dating.

Thank you Louise. I am so hopeful I have a similar outcome. I have a friend with the same outcome, so I know it’s possible. I just hope it happens to me.

Xx

Firstly, Beth, I wanted to say I found you to be a very nice and caring person. I am honestly surprised with the fact that you don’t seem to carry any bitter feelings towards the guy. And.. you’re very well-spoken, I came across this thread and could not help but leave a comment.

As for the situation itself, I’ve recently heard of one concept that made sense: the guy must be the gassing pedal in propelling your relationship forward, you are the brakes. It is counter-intuitive as women tend to want the relationship, but it is needed to make sure the guy does want it himself, it is not thrown at him, he is not sucked in. That’s why sometimes guys break off engagements even – it went great but he found himself in a situation he can’t escape and got scared. It does not mean that the woman has to be cold, not at all, but she should not rush dating, moving in, marriage etc – the steps of getting closer – even try to postpone it.
I’ve been observing lately the cases that prove the concept works, maybe your case is another proof?
Myself, I am 24 and have met a wonderful guy (on Tinder, hehe). We knew each other for a few weeks, I’ve been waiting on him for a month to return from his trip with no internet which he had planned before meeting me. Quite a tough month I’d say! Fought any attempts to dream of any development of our relationships (as we didn’t even see each other during that, quite pointless), read a bunch of “how to stop worrying about…” articles. He’s finally back to the country today, I’ve let him know I am excited but trying to remind myself to create space and let go. He still has his family and friends to see.
“It’s hard to spoil a good thing” (maybe by trying TOO hard only?:)), and if it’s good, it’ll work out. :)

You need to remember you are awesome, and if you’ve attracted a guy you really liked you won’t have a problem with doing the same. The hardships make us stronger and no matter the outcome, you are going to be absolutely fine.

Tammy is right.. Back off and let him come to you. That is your only chance..

Beth, you do seem like a very nice person.. Just not experienced in this realm.

In reading your first post you see how much you went out of your way for this guy- this is what the guy should be doing for you when he is really into you. It looks like (from the outside as none of us know his actions) you were trying to win him over as he seemed a cut above the others you were dating before him. He most likely sensed that you wanted this more than he did.

Right now your goal from this meeting with him is to show him you are totally fine without him- even if you feel you’re not, thank him for bringing your things, and send him on his way. No listening to anything from him. He will not expect this and think you’ll want to talk about the break up and relationship. By re-hashing your relationship and your feelings for him will not result in anything but more sadness for you.

Beth,
Your husband won’t break up with you, therefore, this guy is not your husband. It’s good to learn from mistakes, but a waste of time to beat yourself up. The fact is, there’s no way you will ever know for sure why he dumped you. He might have told you the whole truth, or he might have held back to avoid an awkward conversation. Why don’t you text him, tell him you no longer want to talk but wish him the best, and ask him to mail your belongings? He dumped you. He’s unlikely to change his mind.

Thank you ladies.

He messaged me yesterday afternoon to said he’d come up to me on Saturday morning as he does not want our conversation to be rushed. I do not understand what he has to tell me that is going to take so long. Are we going to dissect every part of the relationship. I’m not looking forward to it if it’s a lot of put-downs.
I suppose all I can do is listen and see what he has to say… And I’d never beg for him to change his mind or try and talk him back into the relationship. It never works.

Amy, I don’t believe life is as cut and dry as that. My friend is now happily married for 7 years with two children after her now-husband had a commitment freak out early into their relationship. She left him alone for 10 days and then he came back with his tail between his leg. Perhaps stories like this should be ignored because it’s wrong to have hope, but I do have hope. My guy and I got on like a house on fire, I truly do not understand his reasons. He acknowledges it is out of the blue, so I have no idea what it can be…

But I’m hoping our conversation on Saturday will tell me what went wrong. And if it’s salvageable I will work towards rebuilding the relationship, and if it isn’t then I’ll walk away and do my best to move on and learn from my mistakes.

I’m sorry. But it is borderline stalker how you speak about this man. I say that only to call attention to how you sound to others — not to be cutting or cruel. You state that you both got along so well. And that may be true in general — but obviously he was ALSO feeling he was not as into you or he wouldn’t be breaking up. Dont you see how insulting it is not to believe him? That you are ignoring his emotions by not accepting what he is telling you to be true — that he does NOT feel the same way?

Please do not think anything you could have done would have changed things. A man READY to fall in love, a man falling in love with YOU, would not have felt you were chasing him. As mentioned he would merely think you are mirroring back the same way he was feeling and he would have been ecstatic about it.

Your disbelief and actions of even writing into this forum and saying you absolutely want to be with this man — so emphatic — sounds very controlling in nature and truthfully are exactly the reason so many men GHOST. Because women don’t take no for an answer. How can they not see that — men who want to be with you STAY WITH YOU.

This guy is obviously honorable. I believe from all you wrote in the backstory that he WAS trying to fall in love. But end of the day he was HONEST and let you know he wasn’t. I think it’s cruel you’re making him drive you your things and have a talk. What could he possibly say? He’s a sweet guy and it trying to mitigate your hurt. This wasn’t 6-12 months. It’s was 90 days or so!!! If you were mature and kind to him — you’d let him off the hook and say — thank you for your willingness to talk but I’ve pondered there is no need. Please send my items by post and enjoy your life. That’s what a lady does. They believe a man when he speaks his truth after such a short relationship. This is unnecessary drama.

Thank you Tammy. You’re right, all I can do is hear him out and see what he has to say. I’ve been dumped before and the man just ghosts or doesn’t talk. So I know he is being kind wanting to talk things through. But by that very nature, I feel myself getting hopeful that he wants to talk about how we can correct things, but maybe that isn’t what he wants at all. Just have to see how it unfolds.

It is in my nature to want to finalise things, so i also want to have a final conversation and say goodbye. Dramatic, maybe, but closure, definitely. I will say how I feel and what I’d be willing to do if we tried again but I shalln’t contact him when he leaves.

It is his dog’s 100th birthday on Satrday – the day he comes – do I acknowledge this as I wouldve done. Or just ignore it? I had planned – when we were together – to make his dog a birthday cake. A doggie cake. Thoughts?

L, why are you so nasty?

T From NY – i think that is really rude, Beth has come on here for advise and she is being completely honest while doing it. i am pretty sure you have had deep feelings for a guy before but probably been to narcissistic to let it show, just only proves how emotionally mature Beth is.

Good luck Beth keep us updated on how the chat went !