Short term relationship break up – HELP!

Beth you come across as a very nice and caring person. Don’t let this failed relationship make you cynical.

I agree with T.

You are not respecting him. He wants out, you keep insisting on talking. Ugh!!

You hope he will change his mind. You want to see him again, and insist upon it. He is too nice to tell you to leave him alone. You filled his closet with your belongings. You smothered him, just let the man go!!!!

Honestly this doesn’t sound like it was a relationship, as you call it, at all. Sounds like he was keeping his options open the whole time and met someone else. Then he gave himself time to wean off of you, while allowing you to think things were fine but that he was just busy. Slimy move. Rinse and repeat with other women. All the signs were there that he wasn’t on the same page and that he was losing interest, but it’s hard to see it when it’s YOUR heart involved. Hoping you heal quickly.

I’m sorry you are hurting, but I really think you need to accept this is done.

Men usually decide around the 3-4 month mark if something has long-term potential (most men do not date for the purpose of a relationship, they date for companionship, sex, and because they also have emotional needs). Only when a man meets a women he feels knocks his socks off, does he want to purse something more lasting.

He realized he in not in love or going to fall in love with you, and realized it would hurt you less the sooner he ended it.

I think hoping this isn’t over is just setting yourself up for more hurt.

He doesn’t need to think about this. He already has, and made up his mind, and told you so.

Why would you want to CONVINCE a man to be with you? I know this hurts, but I really think those giving you hope this still has a chance are giving you false hope. A man who wants to be with you, WILL be with you.

Yes, you moved too fast and came on too strong. No big deal. That isn’t what put him off. He was going to go no matter what because he didn’t feel what you’re feeling. The reason it’s best not to move so fast, is to protect your own heart (and avoid over investing in a guy who isn’t investing in you)

He is a nice guy, and feels bad. He wants to end this as peacefully as possible.

You need to learn to accept it when a man tells you he doesn’t feel for you the way you do for them. He was honest, and that isn’t a fun conversation even when you’re the person ending it.

You are projecting. What I mean by that is you think because you feel deeply for him, he must feel the same- and be making a mistake.

That is what T from NY meant when she said you were being unfair and disrespectful by refusing to believe he knows what he wants.

And it is. I have this happen in relationships, and it’s very insulting when someone tries to convince you that you don’t know your own heart and mind.

I agree seeing him again is going to be a very bad idea for you. He will only try to be nice and emphatically tell you he’s done, and you will be crushed all over again.

In the early stages of dating men get caught up in the rush of emotion and excitement. As they start to calm down, they really start to figure out if this is more than a fun time (someone nice they enjoyed meeting/spending time with). That is why we ladies need to hold back and set the pace (slow things down)…to protect our hearts from getting ahead.

You didn’t do that. You got ahead of him, and he isn’t on the same page and doesn’t want to continue.

He isn’t coming over to reconcile, he’s coming because he feels bad for you, and wants to make peace and say good-bye.

Ask some guys (that you trust) what they think. If they are honest, I’d bet they agree with my assessment.

NO contact is NOT a strategy to get a man back.

I really wish women would realize a man who leaves is often not worthy of a second chance (barring exceptional circumstances). If he does leave and come back-he has to earn even a moment of your time and prove his sincerity (consistently over time) before he is believed.

This is not a bad guy. He sounds like a really good guy. But he is NOT the guy for this OP. That is clear.

No contact is for you. It’s closure. It’s to regroup, get some perspective (space), so YOU can heal and move on.

I’m sorry, but I truly believe this guy has done all the thinking he needs to do, and is not coming back.

Men miss us in our absence. When they don’t see us, and don’t miss us, they know it’s not going anywhere (he isn’t falling in love or going to get there).

That’s what happened.

I am honestly never using this forum for advice again. What has started as support has ended in a barrage of insults.

I have never hounded him. He text me two weeks ago with a message saying he didn’t feel things growing so it is over and would like to chat in more detail. I replied saying I was shocked as felt things growing but yes could talk but would rather face to face.

He called me that night and reiterated his text. He said we can talk face to face. I said yes I’d prefer that. He later said he would prefer coming to mine so that our conversation does not have to be rushed. We have not been in touch at all during this time and I want to talk about what went wrong face to face. The error here is that this face to face conversation should’ve happened sooner, not over two weeks later.

I have a lot of things at this, not just the odd toiletries. I have shoes, a coat, jacket, jeans, tops, a dress, pyjamas, perfumes, jewellery, a hat. It is too much stuff to leave there.

I have been thinking about not meeting him, but I want to hear what he has to say. I know this is dead in the water. I think if he was coming back now then he would’ve done. He is a nice guy and I am a nice girl. I don’t think there needs to be any animosity at all.

Please don’t presume I’m some whiney girl, because I am not. I am a professional, educated woman in her mid-30s who sought solace from impartial people on here. I did not expect the aggressive nature of the latter replies.

Goodbye.

sorry beth. even I am surprised at some of the posts here. I really don’t understand the harsh words. if u think u shld meet him then why the hell not? some are calling it stalking. some calling it hounding. some saying u deliberately cramped his space with your stuff thereby suffocating him. I really don’t see the need for all that. you met a man and you fell in love. sadly he did not. so he called an end. and now a last discussion. if you do want to hear what he has to say and his views for ending it. then why not? I don’t get it. misplaced sense of ego. hey just go ahead and hear him out. I really don’t see any harm in you meeting him. it would have been a different case had you begged him to see you. made endless calls. stalked him.. sometimes posters here can get pretty nasty and hostile. just go ahead and meet him dear. and wish you all the very best. take care.

Hi Beth

A hello from South Africa, just a quick note to you, it will be interesting to know if he is English or Afrikaans? I am sorry to say this to you, he had already found a new love interest my sweetheart. Don’t hang on to the “connection” with him because of your material goods, they are all replaceable but if you desperately need your goodies back, (we tend to leave our best clothing and shoes, perfume etc. at their homes, don’t we?) don’t question when you may go over, go and get your stuff you don’t need permission from him because you will never agree on a date to collect, just politely knock at the door and say .. sorry for the unexpected arrival I am here to collect my goodies, will be in and out, “baie dankie”!
Your art piece, a gift, fantastic present, however out of common courtesy never ask for a gift back.

Life is a journey, these little “hiccups” in life prepare you for greater things to come, TRUST ME.
Best of Luck.

(the nasty and negative comments, don’t entertain them with an answer)

Hi Beth,

He is half English and half Afrikaans. His mother Afrikaans and his father English. He speaks both languages.

I do have a very full life outside of him. I have hobbies, and I too went on holiday with my family during the time he and I were together.

I did leave my best jeans, boots and jacket there. The makeup (all Mac) and toiletries I could replace but I do want the other things.

The gift was a painting of London to document his transition to moving to London as his birthday was a year to the date that he moved to the UK. It was also of Embankment, which is where we met.

I, too, think he may have found someone else as it was all so sudden. I’ve read back through our Whatsapp and he was also very forward and keen before we slept together. And after that his interest waned.

Michelle, I’d love a parting phrase to him in Afrikaans that means that I am sorry it ended, it is not what I want but I wish him well.

x

Busted beth, aka Michelle,

Lol, yeah pretty funny that this is the only thread stepehn has ever acted kind and said normal responses. That should have been a big clue