Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Should I apologize?
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Emily.
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Mimi
Ok, I was joking around and made a really stupid move. Was texting w a guy I’ve been seeing for about 5 months. We were flirting a bit and I said I wanted some lovin’:
Him: From who?
Me: Some handsome guy… *wink*
Him: Wonder who is that?
Me: Barack Obama LOLOLOL
Him: Wow!
Me: Just messin w u
Him: One sec?
Me: SureThat was like 8 hours ago. I think I made him feel bad and he’s giving me the silent treatment, or maybe i just turned him off and he really doesn’t want to talk to me for now. Or maybe he’s just doing something else. We don’t text all day typically, so this isn’t such a long time for us. I’m just feeling guilty like I hurt him and stupid for making such a dumb mistake.
Bit of background: He has joked about other women in the past on rare occasions, but I don’t really react to it or just joke along. Mostly though, he doesn’t try to make me jealous. He, however, is very jealous. If I take a remote yoga class, he wants to make sure the instructor isn’t a man watching me. If I’m out with a friend, he wants to know if it’s a guy. If I say I have company, he asks if I have a guy over. He has initiated “the talk” with me a couple times, but I don’t want to label things yet or be nailed down. We haven’t made any promises of commitment to each other, so it kinda bothers me he’s so possessive. I like him very much, but I also talk to some other guys. I assume he sees other women.
On the one hand, I was obviously kidding. This guy knows I think he’s very hot and sexy because I compliment him often, which he accepts and clearly enjoys.
On the other hand, even though he knows I’m just kidding and that Obama is no threat to him, I think he just didn’t appreciate me setting him up like I was going to say something sexy about him then instead introducing the thought into his head of me wanting someone else.
I feel like I should apologize, but I’m not even sure if he’s hurt. Should I apologize? Don’t want to make it a big deal if he’s not even ticked off. Maybe a quick text like, “sorry if I made you feel bad earlier, I shouldn’t have joked around like that”? Or just wait and see what he does?
My best guess is that if I apologize, he’ll accept it and forgive me, although I know I can’t do that again. If I do nothing, I’ll probably hear from him again in 3 to 4 days.
Any advice appreciated.
Newbie
Well the joke is on you now, isnt it. He said one sec and now its half a day later. I think he got bored of the convo and went to do other things.
I did find the remarks about his jealousy disturbing. You can go to a yoga class if a man teached it. What would happen if you went anyway? I find very jealous guys disturbing as it can turn into controlling and abusive behaviours. A little jealous fine but if he doesnt want men watching you, thats totally over the top. That should be my concernjanna
if he can’t communicate like a big boy, just ignore him back. you don’t have to do all the emotional labor for a babyman.
Mimi
I texted him a quick apology. He responded that everything was fine, and we are back to normal.
I’ll be careful not to make a joke like that again.
Marti
You’re not back to normal. He just got the reaction he wanted from you. Him not talking to you got you freaking out and apologizing. This can and will happen again. I can tell by what you wrote about his jealousy. On the other hand, if he wants to commit and you don’t, let him go. He has the right to have his feelings reciprocated.
Lola
A word of advice, his behavior is NOT normal. That is controlling / manipulative. I have been there for nearly 10 years and this is how it starts. It was a slow burn that lead to me not having ANY male friends, not doing gym classes with male teachers etc. Your message was FUNNY and jokey. What he did was manipulate into being ‘careful not to make a joke like that again’….seriously Mimi, read back what you wrote there. He should like you for YOU, all of YOU and you should be able to do/see/speak to/say WHATEVER you like.
Newbie
I totally agree with marti and Lola. You apologized for nothing just to break the silent treatment you are getting as a manipulation from him. But i dont think you will hear us.
Mimi
I hear you, Newbie, Marti, and Lola. He is waaaay too jealous in a casual relationship like what we have. And Marti, in line with what janna said about him doing his own emotional labor, I figure if he wants to commit and I don’t, he’ll move on when he’s ready. I’ve been honest with him.
Thanks, folks.
Lane
Honestly, that wasn’t bad at all! Men love to joke and enjoy this kind of banter with the woman they are with; however I think the word “lovin” is what freaked him out and was trying to wiggle his way out of it and did so with silence.
I would stop seeing this guy unless you’re looking for a short-term fun buddy (FWB) because he’s not in love with you and isn’t going to fall in love with you based on the response you got from him. A guy who was in love with you would have JUMPED at the chance to give you some “lovin”…just sayin.
Mimi
Lane – I am looking for a short-term fun buddy. I don’t want him to fall in love with me – he’s tried to get me to agree to call us “boyfriend and girlfriend” and I have declined, as it said in my post. I just like him and want us to get along or it won’t be fun.
Lovin’ didn’t freak him out. We talk like that all the time for months now. Interesting assumptions you make, though…
Emily
If he’s just for fun, why are you posting about him on a dating/relationship forum? If this is a one-time misunderstanding, I wouldn’t think about it any more. If he has a habit of pouting about nothing, I would reconsider whether you want to be involved in any capacity with someone who pouts so frequently.
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