Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Should I break up with him?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 2 years, 6 months ago by
Mary.
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Emily
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and we’ve picked out an engagement ring and I know he is going to propose soon. This week, he found out he got let go from his job and got drunk the last 3 nights and he missed our pre-marriage counseling session and I haven’t talked to him in 3 days. I am so angry that he would do this to me and I don’t know what to do. Should I break up with him?
That’s what I feel like doing but I just don’t know what to do. He tells me that he still wants to be with me but I can’t believe he would do this to me and I don’t trust him now and don’t want this happening in a future marriage where he is upset about something and checks out for a week.
A
I’m sorry. I’m confused. What is he doing to you? This is not about you. It’s about him. You’re having doubts about marrying him because he got drunk from losing a job? We all go through ups and downs in life where we want to drink. If you get that upset about him drinking then no, I would not marry him. You will make his life miserable with your nagging behavior.
Raven
Yes @Emily, You are right to be concerned about this…
What are your ages?
Mary
He is about to get married and went through the stress of losing his job. He is obviously upset about that. He may be wondering how he will provide for you, thinking of looking for another job etc… You are not being supportive. Are you sure you are ready to get married ? To share the good and the bad, to work things through with a *husband*?
Maddie
Losing a job can be very traumatic, especially for a man because it can be so wrapped up in his identity. Read up on some of Eric’s articles regarding a man needing to feel like he is “winning.” Agree with the comments that here he is trying to get married and suddenly doesn’t know if he can be a provider. He probably feels like he’s not good enough for you right now.
Also agree with you that he’s handling it terribly, and that is something to consider. Is there a long pattern of not being able to handle stress and problems maturely? I don’t think his behavior the last few days as an isolated incident means you should automatically break up with him, though. Give him a chance to come out of the initial shock, and see how he handles things from there. Does he come back to you, apologize, and have a real discussion with you about it? (One where you tell him his shutdown was not acceptable behavior for you, and you work out together how to handle such things, perhaps in resumed pre-marital counseling. Perhaps it will involve creating the mutual expectation of knowing he needs a couple days of space to work through extreme stress like this and then coming back together afterwards, with him committing to not letting problems all-out spiral into long periods of disconnection).
It’s important to make sure you can resolve conflict together without damaging trust before committing to marriage, so again I think your concerns are valid, but there’s still room for you to grow stronger together from this instead of feeling like it’s you versus him and he’s doing something TO you. There’s still a couple ways this can go, and hopefully it will go in a positive one.
Tammy
Agree with maddie.
Vikta
Agree with.him and help him out of this cause losing a job is sometimes brings trauma,,👍👍
Dmc
I totally agree with “A”. You aren’t ready to be married because all you’re thinking about is YOURSELF! Have some compassion for your man! He lost his job! He’s hurting and you’re not even there for him. He’s drinking because you’re not there for him and you’re just thinking about himself. He is probably now wondering how to get out of this relationship with you because he realizes that he just dodged a bullet by almost proposing to you. You need to grow up. You sound like all you’re interested in is getting engaged and bragging about that. You did not say one word about understanding him or feeling bad for him. It’s all about YOU. Sorry to be so harsh, but I might have just saved your relationship.
Andrea
Don’t let single women convince you that you’re not ready to be married. Give him a little more time to come around. If he doesn’t pull himself together quickly and start looking for another job, then HE is not ready to be a husband.
Mary
It depends on how he has been up to this point. If he has been good to you, be compassionate and allow him to process this major life disappointment.
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