Home › Forums › Texting Advice › Should I Continue to Text My Crush if He Never Initiates Convo?
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Mary.
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Jayjay
Hi everyone! First time posting here in a while (about a previous crush years ago who ultimately wasn’t interested in me) and wanted to get an opinion.
I’m one of those unfortunate (or fortunate, take your pick) girls in their mid-late twenties who has minimal experience with the opposite sex and romantic relationships. Chalk it up to a mixture of upbringing, circumstance, me being an introvert and as I recently found out possibly neuro-spicy. I’m very comfortable being single since that’s pretty much been my entire life, but whenever it happens, I am very open to being in a relationship and knowing what it feels like to have someone who likes you for you in *that* way. So I am in no way desperate or interested in chasing, if I give that impression pls let me know!! Anywho…
A few months back I re-met an old church acquaintance who I hadn’t seen since 2019. He’s very cute, around my age and lives 40+ mins away. During our group outing, he was a little shy but very kind, sweet, accommodating and open to me. He seemed a bit nervous in my presence, and I caught him giving me glances while we were in the car together (I was driving, he was in the back). I felt very comfortable and like myself around him which I usually don’t around single men my age. We had a lot in common and a mutual interest in language learning, so using that I was able to get his contact to send him a playlist of songs in that language. After our initial hangout, I texted him more about language stuff, and eventually mentioned something about possibly doing something similar again. He agreed and even said “let me know when you’re going out to do x again”. So I did.
We saw each other again a few weeks ago. Similar circumstances, got to know him more and he was very open sharing info about himself and his life. Found out we have SO MUCH in common. Being from the same general area in the states, similar introverted personality types, similar interests, both were homeschooled as children, he has adhd (this will come up later), we were even born in the same month, just two years apart. He still seemed a little nervous around me but he was kind. Though, I noticed in convo, he never asked me direction questions or questions about myself. Maybe a few things, but not the “i wanna learn more about your life” type questions I and my friends were asking him. Still, after my friend brought up another get together, he was eager to participate again so I might see him again this month. Before he left, I gave him a hug and thanked him for driving this distance to spend time with us and told him to contact me if he had any questions about our language learning interest. So far, nothing back from him other than getting the picture we took as a group on his phone.
When I text him, I am certain he will respond in due time and eagerly. But again, he never initiates and never asks questions about me, but is willing to get my opinion on the things I bring up (ie language learning apps). He has social media but he hasn’t added me on anything yet. I really wanna text him and get to know him more since we don’t see each other everyday, but I don’t want to seem desperate and like I’m moving things too fast (I think I chased away my other crush in this manner). So that’s why I’m wondering, am I misreading things? Is it just a case of him being nice/friendly? Is his own lack of romantic experience with the opposite sex (he said he grew up mostly around the girls in his family as well) and his possible inattentive adhd affecting things? Are those red flags? In my own similar life experiences, I’ve adapted and learned to be more sociable despite my shy nature but I sometimes find it hard to reach out to those I like/love unless absolutely necessary. But still, it’s not hard for me to reach out to a new friend every so often. Still (obviously) struggle with making connections with the opposite sex though. Could that be the case with him, or am I making excuses for him? Should I continue to reach out in the first place?
Sorry for the long post. But yeah, tell me what yall think. Thank you :)
Maddie
You may be overthinking this, though it makes sense as to why you’re doing so.
My experience in life is that men generally tend to make their romantic intentions known whether or not they’re neurotypical (and when they don’t tell you even if they are interested it means they have too many issues to be a good boyfriend anyway). So your post sounds like he’s most likely only interested in being friends. But you also have nothing to lose at this point by being straight forward with him. Which means you can just ask him if he’s seeing anyone right now and if he’d be interested in going on a date. Normally you’re told to let men take the initiative because when women guess and over function, they also over invest, make excuses, and end up chasing and pursuing someone with low to no interest. But I think in this specific circumstance, where you both may have difficulty reading people and are inexperienced, you may as well try one time to ask for what you want directly. If he isn’t interested, you’ll have your answer and don’t need to worry about wasting time on him, and you can just see him as a friend going forward. There’s no shame if he’s not interested, it’s better to know that early. And if he is interested, then that’s great and you get to test the waters together.
If you are neuro-spicy, the one thing to worry about is if you get rejection sensitive dysphoria. That means perceived rejection makes you spiral out more than a someone else might. I know that’s difficult to manage, but if he isn’t interested, there’s nothing to take personally. But it may not feel that way in the moment, which would be the one thing to look out for that may not make being direct a win-win for you. Only you know if you tend to experience that, though.
Jayjay
Hey Maddie, thanks for your kind and understanding response. I have definitely been holding on to the thought that he just wants to be friends (which I’m fine with since again we have a lot in common) and not immediately jumping to the conclusion that he likes me, though I get the hint that he does when we interact in person and the others who have been with us sensed it, though it could just be the other girls giving into my wishful thinking. idk honestly. Lots of mixed signals. But yes, being realistic about this situation. I’ve never been one to attract guys openly so I wouldn’t be completely distraught if there’s yet another man uninterested in me. I will try hinting at the fact that I like him more when we see each other again. In the meantime, I’m still not sure if I should keep initiating text convos with him if he never reaches out to me
Maddie
I don’t think hinting will help? I’d just say something outright or not. If you hint and he’s not interested but is trying to be polite, and then he feels you’re not taking HIS hint, that may feel like unwanted advances –> coming on too strong.
If you want to be friends with him even if he’s not romantically interested, you’re not making more out of the texts than there is, and he’s always responsive, there’s no reason you can’t text him every once in a while. How would you text with any other potential new friend who you weren’t interested in? Once a week, once a month? I certainly wouldn’t force anything or text daily. Do keep in mind that if he’s already not into texting, it likely won’t change much, that’s just how he is. But new friendships get built more easily in person rather than over text anyway.
Mary
As a woman, you don’t want to be the one to paddle the canoe. Guys desire feminine energy.
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