Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › SHOULD I CUT HIM OFF COMPLETELY?
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Jay.
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MARGIE
Hi!
I was with my boyfriend for 16 months and he did the hot and cold move a couple times. I than figure out he was putting me on the side line. Not long after he third hot and cold he said he needed his time alone and less contact, so he cut the daily calling to every other day and cut off all texts.
A couple months later he broke up with saying we are not on the same page, that he does not want a relationship and the only person at that time he wants a relationship with was he ex wife ( he is separated). After the break up a month later he slowly made his way back in but not in a relationship but the casual BS once per week. Now he is not seeing me on his days off. He does sees me once per week, but after work on in between shifts and if his week ends on a Wednesday at 6:00PM he goes home (supposedly). He no longer talks with me from his home in the evenings. Is either from work or from his car on his way home. Last night we were talking and he said that ” I am not in love with you and I do not love you, but when we are together I enjoy your company, I enjoy being with you and when we have sex, I do not have sex with, I do make love to you. I am not sure if you can understand me. I am very connected with you”. He also said ” I care about you and you are my friend, and we have shared a lot together. My head is spinning. I had become a FWB? I guess I am very disappointed because in the back of my mind I thought that was a chance still. The other thing is we were talking about attraction, and how we can be so attracted to someone and I asked ” What do you like in a woman physically? he replied instantly ” ASS AND HIPS. I was crushed since I do not have big hips nor big ass, and I saw how he glances at women with large hips and ass. he has said other things to me before and I felt was done to hurt, he was being cruel. I felt these might be one of those. He can sugar coat you and the next minute drop a bomb all on the same sentence.
Should I cut him off completely? Go MIA?
Thanks to any of you to comment on this.alia
100% cut off, you can go complete MIA without a word. You have my permission.
Cathleen
Dear Margie: YES AND YES. He told you he doesn’t love you and he’s using you for sex until what he really wants comes along. It’s never going to be you.
Pauline
“I am not in love with you and I do not love you”
You are lucky, he told you CLEARLY how he felt. He is not lying, he is being very clear.I’m sure you met men that you liked and clicked with but didn’t see yourself dating them.
It happens.
100% cut him off.
MARGIE
Yes, I am SURE issue here is that He knows I like him and sex has always been great between us, so he keeps telling me me that whole story of ” When we have sex I am making love”. How can you be making love and not just having sex with someone you clearly told you do not love and now even said he likes big hips and ass. I am average hips and 132 pounds. I have an ass but not large one. I mean, I am holding on to this man so afraid I will not meet another one I like as much. It took me 8 years to feel interested in any man, and the first one I like does not like me. Situation sucks sometimes.
MARGIE
Oh, I just read a post about this lady that walked out on her ex because he wanted FWB. Mine says if I no longer want is OK and overtime I say it is over he gives a whole story why I should keep him around. IT IS mind bugging. YOU SAY YOU DO NOT LOVE AND IT IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME AND WHEN I CHOSE TO WALK OUT YOU WANT TO KEEP ME HOOKED IN THE LOOP AGAIN. painful
Linda
Maggie, cut him off. Sounds like he might have gone back with his X, and even if he hasn’t he isn’t taking you seriously. You are wasting your time with him. Let him go before you fall for him even more.
Newbie
Why do you settle for breadcrums with this guy. He never saw you as a gf. He went cold 3 times, then got colder, than broke it off and went back to the ex and when that didnt work you took him back without any reservations. Its time to stop giving your heart and body to a man who doesnt deserve it. Wake up and cut him off. Its time to find a good man that only wants you
Nat
Stop being a fool. Cut him off 100%. My permission is yours as well. lol
How do you not understand that it is convenient for him to keep you around at his disposal, but he is not even careful to make you feel good. You are not taking crumbs, you are being mistreated.
What is it with women? There is no confusion here. Things are so clear it is painful to read.
L
What’s the alternative?
crisula
Margie,
You knew the right answer before you posted the question.
You’re not his gf…you’re his personal punching bag.
Margie
Crisula,
No, I did not know the answer. I have lots of mixed feelings and so confused.. one minute he is saying he is my best friend and next minute he hits with a 100 pound bag. one week he acts all distant, another week he is all chatty. Like you said, I am his punching bag. Nat said it too, I am been mistreated. he is not even being careful. I feel he is just a cruel man, that got what he wanted, back with his ex and now uses me as his punching bag. Or maybe he has someone else and is not his ex wife. Fact is that it is not me, and he at least was clear that he does not love me. I am doing what some women do, hanging around hoping his feeling will change, but is clear it will never. I will be the one.
Nia
Cut him off. You deserve LOVE. LOVE. And nothing less, no crumbs.
Been there done that
How can you have mixed feelings when he is saying he doesn’t love you? You are focusing on BS that he is saying after telling you the real truth. That BS is fake words to keep you around. Get strong and leave this man
Georgia
I am not at all concerned about his behavior towards you. I’m concerned more about YOUR behavior towards you. If you thought much of yourself this wouldn’t even be a question. You would know his words and actions mean nothing.
It’s time to be kind to yourself. To stop perpetuating the story that this man is the only man in 8 years, etc. What do you want? Make a list of your needs and wants. And then see how he (and any potential men) measure up. If they don’t meet your needs, which this guy doesn’t, they may as well be giraffes as far as you’re concerned because you’re not going near them. Trust me, when you start respecting yourself you will find you have better options.
xo
crisula
“I am been mistreated. he is not even being careful. I feel he is just a cruel man, that got what he wanted, back with his ex and now uses me as his punching bag. ”
“and he at least was clear that he does not love me. I am doing what some women do, hanging around hoping his feeling will change, but is clear it will never. ”
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You know the logical answer before you posted. You’re holding out for a glimmer of hope that he may ‘change’He will not…as a matter of fact…he will get worse. He hates women.
Block any means of communication with you…
Margie
XO.
Yes, I feel it is all me as well. Lack of self esteem for sure a what a great suggestion. Write down ehat I want and go from it.Crisula, very pissible. He was rejected by his birth mother and dos not know who his biological father is. He was then adopted at the age of 12 by a nice family. He is a very macho and has never apologize to me fior anything. Well, once after he yelled at me, and I at sime point felt not that he hates women just because, I felt he does because his ex rejected him. Mostly because he many times acts like a narcissist.
crisula
Margie,
His childhood dilemmas are no reason to treat women like crap. He’s well aware how he talks cruelly to you. He didn’t act like that in the beginningBesides, you need to start working on your self-esteem before jumping into another relationship or you’ll be right back here again, but with a different guy.
it’s going to be hard but you can do it. Write down all the cruel things he’s done and then read each time you feel you want to contact him..
I wish you nothing but the best..
L
Ohhhhh…. it’s the I had a crappy childhood excuse.
Margie
Crisula,
OMG you are so right. In the beginning he was the most charming man ever. A total gentleman. The kind of guy that carries your bag and opens the car door for you. He gave full attention and stil does when he wants booty. It is one of the reasons a fell for him. I was not use to sweet, loving man on top of being good looking. When we met I had aldeady filed for divorce. I was legally separated for 9 years. The minute my divorce was final, two weeks later he broke up. He said he was going to be there for me physically and emotionally, and bam! He broke up saying he did wanted a relationship. That he at first thought so, but his feelings and needs had changed.
Now one more thing. Should I maintain a friedship or with this man would be better off cutting completely?Georgia
NO! Completely cutting it off is the only way to really end the craziness!
crisula
Margie
If your best girlfriend treated you like that…would you stay in the friendship?
crisula
He’s a monster…period
alia
DO NOT maintain any friendship. There is no friendship here. There is nothing to maintain. This is disgusting. You need walk away and never look back, if you do’t understand why you need to end it and never pic up this guys calls, then you ned to see a counselor.
Phillygirl
I truly never understand when a woman asks if she should be friends with a guy who treats her worse than dog crap. Really???
To keep a friendship you had to HAVE a friendship. There is a saying “with friends like that, who needs enemies!?”
I definitely think counseling/therapy could benefit you. A women who knows her value and has self respect would not tolerate 2 seconds of this.
A man gets one chance to treat me badly (as far as being disrespectful, no consideration or common decency). If a guys acts like that, I consider it as the ultimate sign of who he is. In other words, he’s shown his a$$. When a man shows me his a$$, I show him my back as I walk out the door and never look back.
When we don’t respect ourselves, we don’t require respect from others, and we usually attract total losers.
Don’t even bother telling this guy to get lost. Delete his number, block him and bolt the door to that path solidly shut.
Please get some professional help so you can learn how to love yourself. You should not be dating until you do that, unless you want to meet douchebags. How we value ourselves determines how we expect and demand others to value us.
And I don’t mean acting like a spoiled brat, I mean quiet self confidence that emanates from self esteem and respect for self and others.
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