Should I even bother trying to get him back?

Yes Harley it is an excellent discussion and one I have strong feelings about!

I’ve never been a step child myself, as my parents are still happily married. But I always try to look at the situation from a child’s perspective as well as a parents x

Marley,

Hi I wanted to give you a few different perspectives as I have been in every situation. I have been the step child, I have been the partner with no children, I have been in the relationship with both sides have children and finally I have been the parent where my partner doesn’t have any children. As I have been there with all of these situations I hope that I can help here.
First the Step child situation, we like to call it the Father daughter girlfriend triangle it is awful the girlfriend always feels disrespected and pushed to the side and the daughter always feels that she cant do good enough and doesn’t understand and the father is always feels stuck in the middle not knowing how to make anyone happy it is truly a lose lose situation. You have to understand that these two girls have had their world turned upside down their parents split up and then all of a sudden there is a new lady ( I say all of a sudden because it wasn’t even a year) of course they are going to be little shits Im sorry there is no way around that it was way too soon for you to enter their life on an everyday basis they are going to rebel because to them “YOU ARE NOT THIER MOTHER” end of story.

Okay so now to the part of being the step parent with no children of my own. It was awful and even growing up with step parents I thought I knew what not to do but I still I felt pushed to the side, I thought he needed more discipline and I tried so hard but we fought all of the time about this, him telling me I just didn’t understand because I wasn’t a parent, I would get upset because I thought I did understand but now that I am a parent I can tell you honestly I did not understand, I can see things so clearly from his perspective and I felt horrible because he was 100% right, but even though I can see that it wouldn’t have worked out because our parenting is too different.

I have also been in a relationship where we both had kids but again our parenting styles were different and as a parent I was more apt to protect my child. It happens we cant stop that we want to protect our own not that I didn’t love his kids I did but if they hurt my kid I was so angry. Because of this relationship I have found that I am not okay being in a relationship with someone who has kids, Double standard I know but I cant because we will always treat someone else’s kids different than our own we may not mean to but we do.

I am in a relationship now with a man who has no children, he treats my daughter great he differs to me on things with her, “Momma is the boss” he says lol don’t get me wrong he is very good with her, if she needs something he will help her but for all major things he differs to me and as a parent that is what I like.

What I think in your situation is that if you do get back together you need to take it slow, I also think suggesting counseling is good, because it could help all of you, not only you and him as a couple being able to freely express your concerns and thoughts and come up with solutions for them but as a mixed family also it could help the girls and you too.

I hope I could help and I hope everything works out.

His kids were 4 and 7 at the time and he had full custody where the mother would have them every other weekend. I will admit that the mother had a lot to do with the problems she would tell them that they didn’t have to listen to me and to actively reward them for bad behavior to me. So we would fight about that also.

I was just wondering because right now I am dating this guy who has his son two days a week. His son’s age fall right in between my two daughters. So I was kind of thinking if there would be a problem …. just looking at the scenario from all aspects.

I haven’t committed to him yet though he wants me to. I am very analytical and tend to analyse things in different scenarios before jumping in. Hence my question.

Wow! Thanks for all the great feedback everyone! I think most of us women can be way too analytical and tend to over analyze things – gets me in trouble all the time. I would love to hear a perspective from a man’s/dad’s point too!

I also agree that open communication BEFORE you commit is important! We did not do this before I moved in. Big mistake – possible could have avoided a lot of issues. Like I said, my ex just hoped I would move in, and we would live happily ever after – obviously very nieve (sp?) by both of us. I did start to feel taken for granted by him as when I was asking for guidance as to what my role was (mostly when he wasn’t there – he works a lot of nights and weekends and plays poker and plays hockey), he would say “I don’t need to do anything, they can take care of themselves”. Again, not realistic in my opinion, as they were 10 and 15, they were still young ladies and need some guidance and care when an adult isn’t there, especially when they start fighting and hitting each other and me making dinner, getting the youngest ready for bed, school, etc. But he would leave them alone often, he said they are fine, they don’t need taken care of, or he would say the oldest (15, now 16 yr old step daughter) can take care of both of them. Am I wrong there to think that they still need adult supervision at that age? Is that not too much to put on a 15 (16) year old young lady who is obviously going through a lot just being a teenager, but also being through two failed marriages/families (her mom has been divorced twice) now?? Obviously they are alone now when he’s working, out with the boys, as I am not there to be with them. Any feedback there – am I still being too harsh?

I agree (Sheri), I don’t believe in the “kids should be seen and not heard” idea. That’s why I think I have insecurities issues as an adult. I resent my parents a bit for treating us like that. But I guess I am strict in my ideas that children should be respectful – like not interrupt when people are speaking and help set the table and clean up after themselves, etc. I didn’t that was too hard?, but I guess when they are not my children, maybe it is being too hard?? It’s difficult to know what to say or do when there’s no direction.

I want to say that I was there to help the girls, with homework, picking out clothes, driving them places, getting the little one off to school, etc too. And I definitely left important decisions up to their dad, but I agree now that I did put my ex in a difficult position of trying to suggest/put new house rules, when they were obviously doing okay before I got there.

My ex told me that his girls are going to try and live with their mom again in September and go to school in a different city, so they will come home on weekends. They tried that last September and they both moved back within the first semester! I think the same will happen again this year, but at least they tried.

And (Mel – great advice!) I agree, I worry that our parenting styles are too different and even though I know I need to back off because I am not their mother, I may struggle biting my tongue at times when I see them walking all over my ex (their dad/step dad). I think he’s a great dad, very caring and giving, but he’s very, very laid back with his parenting style and would rather drive them everywhere and clean up after them, then have them learn to do things themselves once in a while. I also worry at 41, I don’t know if I would even meet a guy with no kids. It’s not that I don’t want kids, maybe it would have been easier if they were toddlers?? And weren’t already developed as young ladies?? I dunno.

I also did suggest counselling several times when we were together. For me and him, for us individually and us a “family”. But he never agreed, he would just say that why can’t we sit down as a family and have a discussion. I agreed, but we never did. We would never include me in a discussion if he had one with the girls. I really wanted to get counselling before it ended so at least we would have known that we tried all our resources, but I think he felt it was easier to give up on me, then keep fighting with counselling. Sad really.

I feel so bad now hearing all that everyone has gone through. It seems, kids are the one’s who suffer. I know it must be very difficult for everyone, not just me that I came in to their lives so quickly. They were good kids for the most part and were pretty decent towards me – I couldn’t have asked for more at the time, but I did and I feel bad. I should have just been their friend and been there for support but still be the adult if they started arguing, etc. I have explained some of my regrets and discoveries to my ex before I moved out, and he asked why I didn’t realize this 8 months ago, but sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they see things for what they are.
I’m torn, as I don’t know if he will consider taking me back (taking things slow obviously) as he may think that I won’t be able to handle it and won’t give me the chance again. I hope to talk with him this weekend…

I meant he is keeping you around as an option… or at least on a string of hope. Your above post demonstrates this. You are sitting on pins and needles just hoping to PROVE YOURSELF WORTHY of him taking you back.

Do you see how sad that sounds? And not right?

You didn’t do anything wrong. He is the parent and he did not have any discussions with you regarding living together and arrangement with the girls. He also did not take time to talk thru how you would live together with the girls. He left you alone with them and assumed you would know what to do and when you didn’t, you were chastised for it.

Lastly, he kicked you out and broke up with you. He didn’t even see a need to save the relationship and focus on that separately from the children situation. Don’t you think that was a rather dramatic move on his part? It feels that way to me from what you write.

This makes me believe that you are fitting into his world (or trying) and he is making zero effort to help you do that.

I have been there… trying to convince a man to be with me, or give us another chance. It’s pathetic. It totally screws with your head and self esteem.

Thank you LAgirl. Your words really hit home. I agree, it does sound pretty sad and almost pathetic that I’m hanging on to someone who gave up without outside support. I do feel silly often for being such a romantic fool.

Maybe you’re right, he may be an “all or nothing kind of guy”. Which, no, I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that. Because I do worry now, that if he does want to try dating me again, that he may always want to run if we have the slightest issue/argument. His 10 year marriage and myself were his only serious relationships. He has only lived with his ex wife and myself and she was very much like him in her parenting style – laid back, easy going. He told me that they never argued and were both independent. I guess it was like going from one extreme to the next. So his reaction is to get rid once things get too much for him. I think he felt like he couldn’t be himself anymore.

He has also been having recent issues with his 16 year old step-daughter and just before I moved out, he had told her that she was no longer allowed to live there as she doesn’t follow his rules (finally he stood up for his values) and she is going move in with her mom in September. I think the issues with her and me at the same time, just became too much for him and he just wanted time to himself. About a month after I moved out, he told me that he felt some pressure lifted off him – ouch!

I think I worry that maybe I am not worthy as I have never felt like this with anyone else before. I’ve been in a few serious relationships (never with a divorced man with kids) and I have never felt such a spark and attraction like I do with this man. So I worry that I will never feel this way again as I have never felt it before. Maybe my ego is bruised, so I do feel that maybe I wasn’t good enough for him because he didn’t fight hard/long enough to make it work. Even though he said that he did.

I’m not really sure why we couldn’t have continued a relationship after I moved out – good question! I guess like you said, that he knows that he’s got me sitting on the sidelines waiting, so maybe he thinks he’s got me where he wants while he decides how to move forward?? He also mentioned that he couldn’t tell me that he loved me after he broke up with me. But he didn’t have any issues flirting with me and being affectionate and hanging out with me before I moved out.

To clarify your question in last paragraph about my first post – yes, he was still married but they were recently separated (about 3 months), but his wife was still living there while she was trying to sort out how/when to move in with her new lover (nice). We were only really “hanging out” at this point. His divorce went through last summer. He hadn’t been dating anyone else before this. We took it very slow and once things started getting more serious (we had only kissed at this point), I advised him that I couldn’t move forward with him while his “wife” was still living with him. So for us, he told her she had to leave and she moved out within a month. It wasn’t until then, that we started spending more time together. Obviously I had hesitation because of the recent/hard situation that him and his girls were going through and I told him that maybe it was too soon for him to get involved with me. He said that he didn’t want to lose me and that he didn’t want to date anyone else, he was just explaining that he wasn’t interested in putting himself out there to date as we had known each other from high school and he said that he’s always had a little crush on me and he didn’t want to lose the opportunity to be with me. He also knew that I had just started talking with another guy. He didn’t insist that I move in with him after 11 months of dating, he asked and I wanted to as we both lived in different cities and hated saying goodbye to each other whenever we saw each other. Maybe I should have been the bigger person and waited, but there was such a strong connection between us, I wanted to be with him just as bad as he wanted me.

Maybe he was anxious that he finally had an opportunity to be with me after his curiosity about me all those years and maybe it was also a bit of wanting security after being married for 10 years and him not wanting to be alone?? Not sure. If he had taken that time in the beginning that he obviously needed now, maybe we would have had less issues – guess we will never know.

I don’t know about him wanting me to act as a “housewife” as he is very much a Mr. Mom and tries to do everything himself. He was amazing in the fact that he was never lazy and he would be the one mostly to make dinner first when he was home and we always did the laundry together or he would even do it himself when I wasn’t home. He definitely knows how to spoil his girls. The thing is, that he is doing all those things now (paying poker, hockey) with or without a woman there. He feels that the girls, together, can handle those times together. He would often make dinner for them before he went out, so I’m not sure that was his issue. I think he just wanted someone/me to just be like his ex wife and just go along with things, and be easy going all the time and not have any opinions, or much say, for that matter. No, not sure I can live like that either. Doesn’t seem fair to me. But I do care for them, and that’s what I had to do to make things work, I would at least like to know if there’s an opportunity to try again.

Thanks again for the words LAgirl.
So, I had a chat with my ex last weekend and got the answer I was expecting. I asked him if I could drop off something I had of his so I could talk to him about where if/any our relationship was going (I didn’t mention why I wanted to see him at the time), he offered to come by my place instead as he mentioned that he could help with something outside I had mentioned a while ago. I was getting nervous after work on Friday as he was coming over soon and I was worried about the answer.

About 10 mins before he shows up, I get a text saying “WE’RE on our way”. He showed up with his daughter – totally threw my plans off. They stayed for a bit and I asked him if he wanted to grab a drink, so he dropped his daughter off and came back like 20 mins later. We shared a bottle of wine and chatted for a couple hours – it was a good visit – like old times. But before he left I mentioned to him that it’s been three months and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and I know where I went wrong and have enjoyed my time alone and hope he’s had time to reflect and learn from his mistakes also. I said but I’m confused by his causal drop-in’s and I can’t do the “friend thing” with him anymore if he doesn’t want to pursue things as I want more and it’s too hard for me to see him and not be able to be with him. I said that the best thing for me now is to go no contact with him until I move on.

He replied back with, he’s got a lot of things he’s still dealing with and that he still wants to be alone. He didn’t really go in to detail about why he wants to be alone, etc. I said that I agree that he needs to deal with some issues of his past as I don’t think he ever did (ie. the recent death of his dad, the death of his divorce, etc.). He explained that his step-daughter has already moved in with her mom and his biological daughter is moving in with her to go to school in September. He said that he was happy that it’s just him and his daughter right now. They get up and hang out and there’s no fighting or tension. Ouch.

Anyway, He seemed upset and I asked him why. He couldn’t understand why we couldn’t still be friends right now. He said that he wants to help me with things around the house. He said he’s been friends with ex-girlfriends before that they broke up with him and he wanted more, so he doesn’t understand. I replied with saying that I think it’s a bit different. We were together for 2 years and lived together. The only other relationship where he’s lived with someone was his wife and our 2 year relationship was the longest he’s had, besides his marriage. So not quite sure how he wouldn’t understand why I can’t be friends with him right now. Doesn’t mean forever, just while I get past this.

His reply is, “so if see him in the mall, am I just going to turn the other way”? He just doesn’t get it.

So I still had a few large items stored at his place and I asked if I could get them back. And he asked if he had to drop them off when I wasn’t here as I want to go no contact. I said no, it’s not like that. It’s like he was mocking me. But I came home from work today and two of my tables/desks were sitting on my back deck. Not only does he not tell me that he was dropping them off, he leaves them outside for me to try and drag in myself. They’re heavy!

A bit extreme no? Ugh, so sad that things have come to this.