Should I ghost him?

And…don’t ghost him. Tell him you’ve realized you both want different things, good luck, and goodbye.

Always take the high road, that way you never feel about who you are.

“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip” – Winston Churchill.

That is a quote I live by

Her first post said they DID end up having sex, if you read all the way down.

I think the OP knows he’s wasting her time but will see him anyway, and have to learn the hard way.

Kaye – it wasn’t a stomach bug. Sounded like shivers, headache, and a cold. I think it was probably NOTHING but that’s what he said. And actually, he initially only said he was sick, with no explanation (keep in mind his texting style is long novels, which has not changed. We’ve never been the type to text each other a couple sentences. It’s usually been long texts 3-4 times a day. Initiated by him. even with the slower time between texts they are still long and he still uses terms of endearment and emojis, etc.)

I guess it did appear pushy. But I agree with Anon who said if you have to keep a guy interested by playing games, he’s not the one for you. If a man is interested in you, super interested, he sees this turning into a relationship (as he said to me a few times) then this would not have been an issue. He would have seen it for what it was, which was me trying to attempt a nice gesture for someone who I am interested in. me casually saying I hope we can see each other this weekend, AS PLANNED, would not be seen a pushy or naggy. And ive said it a few times already, HE NEVER SAID NO to meeting up on Monday. He left if VAGUE. So I said ok, let me know. Boom. What’s so bad about that?

It’s messed up that me being nice and honest is somehow being turned around on me being this stupid, naïve girl who will never get a man. Like really? I don’t want a man who can’t appreciate those things about me.

Mackenzie, thank you. I came to this forum for advice and I’ve gotten some amazing feedback, and some incredibly harsh and negative feedback that’s only made me feel worse about the situation. I understand I probably had sex too soon and that I may have come on too strong this weekend. But if the man is truly only after sex, if I made him wait a couple more weeks this still would have been the end result except I would’ve been even more emotionally invested.

I wish I could say all the things this guy fed me about wanting and seeing a future with me, the questions he’d ask like do you want a big wedding? Always mentioning future plans however small such as he wants to take me to this place and that place, that he told his mom about me, if I knew what I wanted, and when I told him what I wanted he said that we wanted the same things, blah blah blah. Looking back it was probably all just a script, but it made me feel confident about where we were and what he saw with me.

Another red flag I wanted to mention was his most recent ex was 10 years younger than him, and they were together for a total of two months, from meeting to breaking up. I thought it was odd that he considered her his gf after such a short time. He told me she was too young and he realised that she wouldn’t be able to settle down, which is what he supposedly wants. I knew this early on, and it told me that this man gets into relationships quickly, so I felt like the speed of our courtship was just his style, and I understood when he had the convo with me about not rushing this time because of his past.

Someone asked me about the timeline – we started talking in early april, we met mid-april, I left 2 days later for nearly 3 weeks. Had our second date mid-may. After that we saw each other pretty much once a week, we’ve had 5 dates total. The overnight date #4 turned into all-day on Saturday as well, so over 24 hours together.

Anyway. I have decided to take him up on his offer of another date because a lot of these conclusions I have come to based on assumption and I don’t want to walk away with any regrets or “what if”. I asked for a week night, he said he couldn’t, wants to do this Friday. I will not give him sex. I will have an honest conversation with him, I want to ask why he has been more distant this week and see what he says, go from there. If he’s a player he will play it off and attempt to pull the charm. What do you think ladies, how should I broach it? I also am weary of having a super serious relationship convo, but I do need answers.

Lol. Ok to be honest, sleeping with each other is not what I’m upset about. I fully went into having sex with him knowing that he is not my boyfriend. However, he knew I wanted a boyfriend, and he told me he wanted a girlfriend. I never said that he had to be my boyfriend to have sex with me, because I don’t necessarily think it has to be that way. You can sleep with someone and have it turn into something later. He told me he saw us going that way, he said it’s on the way there, he said he misses me when I’m not around, blah blah blah.

I’m upset about him not being honest with me. If he is still seeing other girls, and using tinder, why tell me he is not doing that? Why set up a date with me on Friday if he in fact didn’t want to? Why pretend to be sick? And then slow the communication wayyyyyy down instead of just being honest and upfront that maybe he doesn’t see it with me anymore. His immaturity in this situation is what I have an issue with.

My apologies, OP. You seem to have all of the answers. I hope you understand all the confusion here tho, seeing as how you posted this topic – a question – seeking advice on the matter(s).

This whole scenario of getting off to a jack rabbit start rarely works out.

A guy asking you if you’d want a big wedding early on is a red flag, as are a number of the things he did and said. Guys like this get in fast, say all the right things to reel a woman in and then no later than three months in, either ghost or suddenly become distant and then confess they moved too fast, they aren’t ready for a relationship and they’re so sorry but it’s over. Sometimes it’s a game they deliberately play, sometimes they are deluding themselves as much as they are deluding the woman.

That is probably what you are in for… but maybe not, who knows.

You seem to have worked this out for yourself. Hope it works out for you.

Deal with your baggage and your trust issues before you go out dating again. Or you will keep repeating this. Take it from some of us here who are older than you, get your dating act together now, learn your worth and how to screen men out fast so you don’t waste a lot of years in unhappy relationships or unhappily single.

I didn’t expect him to commit and become my boyfriend after (what has now been) 4 weeks of in person interaction. Based on his words and actions up until this last weekend, I thought we were in a place that we clearly were not. No, not a committed relationship. But dating, and not dating other people. Which is what he said to me.

Honestly I’m sick of women belittling and blaming other women for the bad behavior of men. This man led me on. How is that ok and my fault?

You really, really don’t get it.

You were not led on. You went willingly on this hayride for a good reason – to learn that you can’t trust everything a man tells you. It’s actually a very valuable mistake. And we humans learn more from our mistakes than from our wins!

The people who decided to invest with Bernie Madoff ignored the facts that his firm wouldn’t disclose what they were invested in and had positive returns for years on end, both of which are big red flags. A lot of smart people got taken in and lost money. It wasn’t all Madoff’s fault; people had to put on their blinders and ignore reality to go along. The people who are still prepared to write checks to Elizabeth Holmes after the Theranos thing are also ignoring reality. Lots of people ignore reality. Sometimes the consequences are worse in some cases than others.

In your case, you two just had a very short dating experience. Just own that you made a few wrong moves and celebrate that now you know the right moves, rather than insisting on blaming him to avoid responsibility for your end of it. It’s not that big of a deal and this isn’t a case of women belittling or blaming you. This has gotten to be a much bigger drama than it needs to be. Better you learn this at 27 than 37.

Duchess, I have empathy for you. I have been a “victim” of smooth talkers MANY times. And guys take talk very far at times including future plans, talks of marriage, on and on. It’s easy to get sucked in if you don’t know what legitimate interest feels like.

After almost 2 years, I am FINALLY seeing the difference. It’s a man who speaks to me in a way that makes me wonder “are you that into me?” but takes actions that don’t leave me questioning him. He’s never mentioned sex, marriage or love. Our dates very much feel like “friend dates” except he sets them up and executes them. And they take effort on his part. He doesn’t try and drive me into sex. His communication is regular- like clock work, a mix of calls and texts and clearly getting to know me. Not just empty banter.

I don’t think men purposefully set out to deceive us. I think they get blinded by lust and overall horniness and are as guilty of mistaking that for love as we are. It is hard when a guy floods you with attention to figure out what to do. Perhaps imagine them as a peacock trying to get your attention for mating. It’s basically instinctual.

I don’t believe that a lot of men set out to deceive women. I do think that many don’t know what they want. And honestly, until you’ve experienced real courtship, it’s hard NOT to get confused. You just have to take that initial rush of attention with a big grain of salt and keep steering things away from lust and into getting to know someone.

Duchess, you’ve been given some really incredible feedback.

But the crux of all this really seems to pivot back on the fact you’re not yet ready to date healthy. You need to take a step back and work on your own issues of mistrust, past hurt, and learn how to rebuild your confidence and self esteem as a single valuable woman.

I’m no therapist, but I do pay attention and have learned how to observe people and assess situations. Many, if not most of us, have been hurt, misled or deceived by someone we loved in the past.

That hurt does not define us. But it does provide an opportunity to learn and grow. We can use it to shape us into a better, stronger, wiser version of who we were. Or we can use it as an excuse to be afraid, or bitter, or wander around with loads of self destructive doubt and insecurity.

Personally, I’ve been through two very destructive relationships, until I woke up and saw my mistakes in allowing it-and said “no more!” I had to rediscover my own self worth and know my innate value without and outside of any man.

You can not be in any type of healthy relationship until you love and value yourself!

You fell for this guy’s meaningless flowery words and fake promises because you are seeking someone else to validate/fill a hole in you, that only you and God can fix.

Relationships are important, and the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.

You really need to learn how to love you first, so you can pick better men and recognize the ones that aren’t good for you. You need to learn to read the signs of when to walk away, and how to do it in strength and with your head held high.

This guy here is NOT your life preserver, yet you are clinging to him like he is- like your value and worth are found in him. They aren’t!

Sometimes we need to talk this out with a professional. A therapist, counselor, psychologist -someone trained to walk you down the path of self discovery, truth and self love.

You need to learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes and really like the woman looking back at you in the mirror.

Only then will you develop a nose for BS and learn how to set healthy boundaries.

I really hope you forget this guy and start working on you. That is where your next step should begin

I really like what you put phillygirl. It was constructive and well put.

Anon,

Exactly how I feel.