Should I give up on him? Recently Divorced.

HI Jasmin. This all sounds so familiar. I went through this the past year and found myself in your exact situation. He’d pull away, then comeback. It was not good and I wish now I would have walked away a lot sooner. He said he loved and cared for me but still felt broken inside. He eventually moved away and started seeing another girl but has been back home a lot and was and still is in contact. These guys are lost and what I have come to understand is they think they are ready but they are not. I had such bad anxiety our entire relationship and even though I still love him I’m trying to break contact and move on which has proved very difficult due tot he fact that he always seems to come back. He even tells me things are nothing like they are with me with this other girl. Trust your instincts and don’t get too invested. Half the time these guys are acting on impulse and there is no rational to their flaky behavior. Save yourself the heartache.

Do not contact him, get yourself out there dating again. He has been very clear with you and he sounds like a lovely honest man and thank god he is not lying to you or stringing you along. Let him work through his issues and date men who are ready for a relationship. Go on dates, enjoy yourself!

How about asking him to date others as well? N don’t get physical.

Understandable. But you can’t “help” him “work through” it. Time just has to pass. So keep in touch… but in fairness to yourself you do need to keep your options open.

I have. The first six months for me was sheer relief it was over. Then I spent another six months processing and grieving. I tried dating some at that point but I wasn’t ready, i.e. I hadn’t defined what I wanted. I met a few other divorced guys who were various levels of damaged. The more they insist they are OK and ready to move on, the more likely it is they are fooling themselves, particularly if it’s inside the two years.

You stood up and promised to spend your life with someone and it didn’t work out. It just takes time to filter through that.

You are very fortunate indeed this man has this much honesty and self-awareness. I had one guy come after me gangbusters and he was the most screwed up. “I’m ready to start another family, I can provide a great life, blah blah blah…” when the truth was he hadn’t dealt at all with his wife of 30 years leaving him for another man and he felt guilty he couldn’t provide his daughter a home… I found out he was living in a shared council flat because he had to give the ex the house. On our 4th date he wound up in tears on my sofa and me holding his hand and offering to look up counseling services for him. You don’t need a head case. Hopefully this man will come around sooner rather than later and be able to pick it up with you.

You are very perceptive Jasmin about what a person goes through when divorced/widowed.

It is the death of a relationship and takes time to grieve and process. The longer the relationship the longer the process unless it was very clear cut (someone cheating, etc.).

Many times the first relationships are rebound…just getting a person’s feet wet. The person does not know they are doing this…they just want to feel good again…

I would keep my options all the way open and seriously date others….this has a lot of uncertainty….

“He said that we are on different levels emotionally and that he just can’t give me what I need and wants time to work on himself. He broke it off ”

Who contacted who first?

Jasmin, Well, nobody knows if there is a chance or not, but you do know that right now he isn’t ready for a relationship with you. That is an unfortunate consequence of bad timing. You have to look out for you. Whereas I think it seems ok to keep in contact with him, I personally would not put myself in a place where I was doing the initiating with him. If anything is going to happen he has to be the one to come to you, he has to want it that bad, even if it’s just friendship. If this week that he hasn’t contacted you is because he’s dealing with his own emotions then it’s best to leave him be. I think at this point trying to contact him when he isn’t contacting you would feel like pressue. My suggestion is to be responsive and receptive but don’t initiate. Also, I don’t suggest cutting yourself off from dating other men and holding out for this guy. Stop yourself from this “I truly see a future with this guy”. It’s too soon to know if there is a future and he broke it off, you need to remember that. And yes divorce is difficult especially if he was cheated on. He needs to work through it and should the timing be right and both of you are still single and interested then great. If that doesn’t happen then it wasn’t meant to be. The right man shows up ready and willing. This doesn’t mean we dont’ have baggage and fears it just means the guy is dealing with it and is ready to move forward. This guy isn’t there yet, he might be in the future, but you can’t be waiting around, if he’s the one for you you will only know by moving on and seeing if somehow your paths cross.

Thank you all for your advice it’s very helpful. I agree, I need to see this from his point of view as well. He even told me that he was overwhelmed with everything. He wants to be married again but he needs to take the time to be able to move forward. Like he said he’s scared and isn’t ready to think about marriage again just yet until he works through everything. Which I understand where he’s coming from, and I wasn’t expecting marriage right away but it is definitely something I want. Time and space may be the best thing. Timing was definitely a jerk in this situation. And I agree, I think right now I’m just trying to be there for him as a friend without having any alterior motives and just be there if he wants to talk or anything. I haven’t been initiating a lot of contact but usually I just take turns. If he texts me then I’ll text him the next time or whatever.

Sometimes it can take years for them to even start getting over their divorce. It’s best that you look after your own interests. I would be stepping away from him, and in fact this what might make him wake up and come back towards you

Hi Jasmin…it’s interesting that you should mention MBTI personality typing. Personally, I DO think that this can affect how people process these life events.

I was in your EXACT situation several years ago. I (an INFJ) was exclusively dating a man (INFP) whose divorce became final about five months in to our relationship (he had been separated for two years so I foolishly assumed he was ready to move on). My experience sounds so similar. We both went into it not sure if we even wanted a serious relationship but fell in love over the course of a few months. Literally the day after his divorce became final he freaked out, began withdrawing, saying he was unsure of how capable he might be, that he loved me but didn’t believe he could provide what I needed, etc. He recognized the delivery of the divorce papers as the trigger and intellectually recognized that it didn’t make a tremendous amount of sense, but he couldn’t help how he felt. He would come after me every time I decided to distance myself and when I would come back, HE would then pull away. I fell into the trap of tying to be his emotional rock and support him through it (with the hope that we would be together on the other side). What I became was his pseudo therapist/enabler. And, I do think that the IN’s have slightly more difficulty in this situation than the majority of the E’s.

He eventually fell into a deep depression and I told him that I wouldn’t take his calls until he’d spent time in therapy and began taking anti-depressants. I wish I could tell you that we got through it and we are together.

He and I are still GOOD friends. We love each other, but not in a romantic way. He did come back after about a year of work in therapy and want to try again, but I had moved on (by relinquishing all hope that we could be together) and could clearly see the ways in which we weren’t compatible. I should mention that I am also divorced and went through the stages Stefanie mentioned during my year and half long separation from my ex husband. By the time the divorce papers came around, I was over it and ready to move on….they didn’t really phase me as anything other than logistics. However, what I’ve learned about men and divorce (from the guy I’ve been writing about), is that the delivery of the papers signifies a HUGE personal failure and men don’t process failure in any way like women do. To them, it says something about who they are as providers, fathers and men in general, even if their ex wife was clearly to blame and even if they are the ones who filed. They “failed at life”. They “failed their partner”. And they are absolutely terrified of failing in this way again, especially with someone they love (you).

He won’t move on in a significant way with anyone else until he gets some professional help and works through this. He may date (as my ex bf did), but it will all probably end quickly with anyone else. Be his friend, suggest he seek help and be his sounding board if you wish (without hoping for more), but don’t try to also be his partner right now. It won’t work because he is broken and you can’t put him back together. If nothing else, you will have a friendship you cherish on the other side.

You sound very self aware and smart about this. I know it hurts but you know it has nothing to do with you. I’m sure you will make the right decision.

You want only him? How long have you been dating him? The thing is, he doesn’t only want you. You are way too invested for your own good. I hate to echo what others have said, but dating a man right during or after his divorce tends not to last for the long term. Speak from experience. I would pass this one up but keep in touch if you can handle it without going gaga (which I wonder since you state you only want him).