Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Should I have cut it off?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 10 months ago by
Lane.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Maya
I have been chatting with this guy for about four months – He’s in his late twenties and I’m in my mid twenties. We met on a dating app and have met each other in person around 10 times and spoke endlessly on the phone. He has always said he doesn’t want a relationship and at the beginning I wasn’t looking for a relationship either… trouble is, I’ve really started to like him and have feelings for him. And although I don’t want to be in a relationship with him right now, as I don’t know him well enough, I would like to know that it could be possible.
He sends me a lot of mixed messages, sometimes he brings up how he doesn’t want a relationship, and then at times flirts with the idea saying things like “I’m a relationship person” he also jokingly says he’s in love with me? He also calls and texts me very consistently
I have seen him twice this week, the first time he was very warm and affectionate, we spoke for hours and it really felt like we bonded
The second time he was still warm but deflective and spoke a lot about not wanting a relationship, how he’s happy that I ‘don’t have feelings for him’ and that all people are disposable??
After getting home I reflected on this and thought it best to call things off. What he said upset me and I want something more meaningful. I sent him a message explaining how I felt and that I didn’t think we should see each other, this being due to what he said the night before and how althoughtbi don’t want a relationship right now I need to know there’s potential. He said I took what he said the wrong way and that he was very sorry for hurting me (he did sound very sincere) and that he loved spending time with me and didn’t want it to end but understood if that was my decision.
Was I too hasty? Do men normally say they don’t want a relationship at first and the come around to the idea? Or am I right to stick to my guns and move on?
Tallspicy
Ok, tough love time:
A. The good: you gave him the heave ho
B. The bad: you have a lengthy and emotional explanation. Totally not necessary and somewhat manipulative to a stranger who you don’t know and is not real (aka not your boyfriend). He hurt you? You barely know him and he does not owe you a relationship. Any not real man you should just be in observation, especially after two dates.You stick to your guns. He meant what he said, as men generally mean the negative things they say about dating, especially prior to commitment. It just felt weird for him that you called him out on it. Agreeing to more would be signing up for hurt.
He sounds like a mess anyhow
T from NY
Yes you did the right thing
Move forward as your instinct told you to do
Men almost NEVER discourage a woman they are truly interested in – they relish when the girl feels the same
You’re being a girl and second guessing yourself. We’ve all done it. No need. Think of him no more
Of course he likes spending time with you. You’re a lit bomb. Only be dazzled when men say – you’re the best, I’ll do whatever it takes to make you mine and keep you
Discard tepid men. Quickly
Good job
Maddie
“Do men normally say they don’t want a relationship at first and the come around to the idea?”
The only men I’ve ever heard say this meant it. One was actually saying it as a warning because he treated his partners badly and I guess didn’t want to feel guilty… like, if he warned them and they stuck around anyway, then when they got hurt it wasn’t HIS fault.
You did the right thing. If you (eventually) want a real commitment, find a man who doesn’t give mixed signals. If words and actions don’t align, it’s one of the biggest red flags that inevitably things are going to get messy.
And believe people when they show you who they are.
tammy
you absolutely did the right thing. he is confused and is going to create a big mess some time down the line. don’t get into lengthy arguments unless its about how much he likes you and is open to the idea of a relationship with you.
if i meet men who are open to the idea of a relationship in future, only then do i meet them again. if at the outset the man says he does not want to be in a relationship, then i don’t bother or just friend zone them in my mind.
Lane
Yes, men can change their mind and enter into a relationship but they have to be in the right mindset or frame of mind for that to happen. Even if it does, it doesn’t mean it will be with you, when or if, he get’s there.
His mindset hasn’t changed about you because he continues to keep reminding you of this. Men do enjoy having temporary companionships, usually until the woman wants more than what he’s offering her, a non-relationship, and is forced to find a new replacement. It’s coined “the girlfriend experience” where they receive the benefits of having a girl friend (noticed I separated those two words) without any of the expectations—a win, win for men!
Majority of women cannot do FWB’s/NSA’s, before catching feelings, because when you try to go against mother nature (biology, genetics) you are going to get burned. Men however were designed differently, and are fully capable of having many companions, at the same time, without ever catching feelings (falling in love) for any of them.
Because of these differences, when a man say’s “I’m not ready or wanting a relationship” then BELIEVE him. Only if he starts saying the OPPOSITE of what he said, and when you call him out on it like “you told me this and this” and responds with “I was in a different headspace but I’m ready now…” do you have a chance.
That’s what my current partner did. It took him 9 months to get there after our initial fling. He came back, and started saying the OPPOSITE of what he said the first time where I was super skeptical and it took me a few months of carefully listening, observing, and reminding him of what he said prior to determine if he was being honest or blowing smoke up my you know what lol. Together over 4 years now, and we are still in our honeymoon phase :o)
It truly works best when the man wants a relationship with you, more than you do with him—something about that dynamic works the best, at least long term. That was the dynamic in my first marriage that lasted over 20 years; and it was the dynamic in my current relationship.
-
AuthorPosts
