Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Should I Quit Him?
- This topic has 16 replies and was last updated 3 years, 5 months ago by
AngieBaby.
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L
Long story short, I have stronger feelings for my guy friend than he does for me. I am consistently wavering with him on whether we can continue our friendship because of this.. each time he says “we will figure it out”. I then pour my heart out like an idiot and I seem to do this on a triweekly basis with him. He gets it, he understands.. but we cant do anything about it.. unfortunately for reasons Id rather not talk about. BUT I feel like I keep doing these flip outs on him for not giving me enough attention, etc.. when I know deep down we’re not together, he owes me nothing and I know it’s some old abandonment issues I need to work on. My question is, should I just stop taking his calls and end it for his sake? I feel like if I don’t just go cold turkey, I won’t stop having expectations from him and wanting more than he’s able to give.. I feel more for him than me because I feel Im being an awful friend by having my mini freak outs on him so often yet he deals with it. This last time, I apologized, like always, and his response was, no need to apologize, I accept you for you. I don’t really know what that means, but it makes me feel bad :( Help!!
L
I have tried everything from meditation, to counting to 10 when we have our spats that causes this tension.. we had a romantic past, he then went back to a past relationship, and I cant seem to let go of him.. I want to so bad, I dont want to be that person. I mean, I think, and I may be wrong, that he doesnt want to let me go either, or he wouldnt deal with what he deals with from me, but I dont understand why a man would put up with what I am dishing out.. aside from the fact he deeply cares about me, yet, I cant get seem to grasp that and keep reaching for reassurance from him. I just want a normal close relationship with him and I cant seem to let it happen.
Anon
Is he in a relationship with this other person? If he is then he’s made a choice for his romantic interest. I think men can be good friends with women, and he sounds like a really good friend. However, if you have romantic feelings that he doesn’t reciprocate, you may have to not talk with him to get beyond them. Otherwise you will feel very frustrated and resentful.
L
Yeah, he is, he was married, they seperated, we were close friends and then stuff happened, we were a thing, then he went back.. I mean, Im ok with it, I understand completely, theres a child involved, it’s just sooo hard for me to let go of the romantic part that we had I guess? I want to be there for him as a friend, I just feel that Im not being a good one.. I also feel if I ditch him he will feel im being a complete drama queen and trying to get attention since im striving for more calls, etc from him anyway, in a non-dramatic fashion lol if that makes sense?
Anon
It makes sense. You might need a break from each other. If he calls you and it triggers how you don’t get to see him or spend time with him, you may not want to answer right away or when you can have a clear boundary when you’re talking to him. It may be a friendship you have to pause right now until feelings can be in check.
Raven
He’s married & not available.
L
So Anon-
Do you suggest to just ghost persay? I mean, if I just tell him, Im afraid he’ll just think im being dramatic…Raven,
I am aware of this, this is not a question of trying to get him, it’s asking for advice on getting over him.. please read my entire post.. thank you.Anon
There’s a way to do it without being dramatic. You don’t have to say anything like I’m not talking to you- etc- just limit your contact. He’s probably done that already by limiting his contact with you. Just stop asking for more time and you don’t have to talk to him more than once a week or every other week. You can say- I’m working on myself if he wonders why you’re not talking with him. He’s filling a void you have to learn to fill yourself.
He should be talking to his wife daily and you should be meeting available men- like Raven said- he’s unavailable.
Raven
I read your entire post.
You wrote, “… we had a romantic past, he then went back to a past relationship, and I cant seem to let go of him.. I want to so bad, I dont want to be that person. I mean, I think, and I may be wrong, that he doesnt want to let me go either, or he wouldnt deal with what he deals with from me, but I dont understand why a man would put up with what I am dishing out.. aside from the fact he deeply cares about me, yet, I cant get seem to grasp that and keep reaching for reassurance from him. I just want a normal close relationship with him and I cant seem to let it happen.”
You are indeed, ‘trying to get him.’
Single women do not have (normal) close relationships with married men…
Veruca Salt
You can’t be friends with him. That’s how you get over him. You have to stop caring if you look dramatic or not. It doesn’t matter. You just need to stop being friends with him. It sucks and it’s not going to be easy but this isn’t your guy.
Maddie
Yes, you should quit him. For YOUR sake, not his. If he were single, my advice would be take a break for a few months, work on your abandonment issues, maybe try to be friends after really getting over the feelings. But since he’s married, and married to a woman who is no doubt threatened by you because of the circumstances of when you and he hooked up, there’s nothing good to come out of this for you. He has bad boundaries telling you to stay in the picture when he can’t be with you, *really* bad boundaries. Which means it’s unfortunately on you to do what’s best for yourself (which also happens to be what’s best for him and his marriage). If they fall apart again and get divorced, it is what it is, maybe you’ll reconnect. But right now, to the extent you can, live your life and leave him behind. It’s not easy, but this is a toxic situation for you, and if he’s someone who can lead you on (not letting you go when his wife is around = having his cake and eating it too), then he’d never make a good partner even if he left his wife. He’d eventually treat you the same as he treats her, and I doubt you’d be comfortable with him talking to a recent ex if you were together.
AngieBaby
Have you posted about this before? The story sounds familiar.
You’re having an emotional affair with a married man and he’s using you as a security blanket to wrap around him when he isn’t getting what he wants from his wife.
He chose you over her. Presumably the child had something to do with that but men who want out of a marriage get out and share custody.
There is no “friendship” to be had here.
Imagine how you’d feel if your positions were reversed – you are the wife and you learned he was keeping contact with an old GF. You’d be angry and devastated.
He needs to go work it out with her or leave. That’s his business.
You just need to tell him that you’ve decided it’s time for you to move with your life and it’s best that you have no more contact. Period.
You may miss him for a while but you will get over it. You have to accept what you had with him is gone and isn’t coming back. I”m betting you’re hoping he’ll break up with her again and come back to you and that’s why you’re still hanging on to this situation.
What you’re both doing by staying connected is extremely selfish and unfair to his wife.
Time to decide what kind of a person you are and what values you hold most dear… and live by them. This is a dead-end situation for you.
tammy
if you stay in touch with him, you wont be able to snap out of this. you must step away to have a chnace at forming normal relationships with men. like anon said no need to get overly dramatic over this. just start limiting your contact with him. if you talk much on phones, cut it short. if its through chatting, don’t engage in long conversations. slowly but surely extricate yourself from this man and this one sided relationship.
Erin
What Raven said.
Why would you want to be friends with a married man who you once had a thing with, and are still having feelings for.
Respect yourself and his marriage/wife to walk away from this situation
Barbara
Yes. As simple as that.
Liz Lemon
I’m with AngieBaby, this post feels very familiar– haven’t you posted before? I remember the details and the fact that you keep flipping out on him because you can’t let go of your romantic feelings for him.
If you did post before, I recall that everyone (including me) advised you to let this friendship go. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Just distance yourself, be less available, don’t be responsive to calls and messages. You don’t have to make a big scene about it.
There is something “off” about a guy who keeps coming back for drama from a woman who is not even his girlfriend/wife (you said “I dont understand why a man would put up with what I am dishing out”). This is an unhealthy situation for everyone involved. For you, because it’s keeping you trapped and not moving on to available men; and for him, because it’s surely affecting his marriage.
AngieBaby
I’m also wondering why there are on the same day three posts about “should I quit him” “should I let this go” and “should I give up on him” with the same themes.
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