Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Should I reach out to my EX for closure?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by
Jo.
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Ellen
I have been in complete agony the last few days analyzing, internalizing, doubting everything, not being able to function correctly, depressed, anxious, missing him so much that I can feel hugging him right now…
Relationship ended abruptly and it felts like a rug got pulled underneath my feet and I wasn’t expecting it. This happened about 2 months ago so it is fairly recent and the wound is so raw.
Reasons why we broke up: he started acting a bit shady, being less affectionate, not being open and honest last 2 months before break up. His attention seemed to be elsewhere. A couple of times i caught him texting friend is his from the past who are girls, just to get some sort of validation. This kind of behavior started to close me off, affected the sex life which in turn it further perpetuated him not being affectionate. One thing led to another and he expressed he doesn’t like that we live an hour away. And also he has been struggling and not ready for a life long commitment when i brought the topic up. We are both about to be 30 soon.
He kept giving me different reasons as to why he has been distant and I never really got a clear answer from him. I don’t know what caused him to act this way, his best friend recently was single too so not sure if that lifestyle was starting to run off on him.
I don’t understand who someone can go with wanting to be with you forever to not being sure, when one day they are planning a future together with you and the next they are all confused. I am so torn and blindsided. I dream of him constantly and i am asking him in the dreams what happened
I can’t say that i was perfect in this relationship either. I started becoming extremely insecure and I am usually a very confident person. But my insecurity was warranted in some way when he was behaving in an inconsistent way.
He reached out after a month wanting to “check in”. I wasn’t ready at that time, so I didn’t respond until recently explaining that I didn’t understand why we would talk when he made it clear he didn’t want to be with me. And then his reply was that he just wanted to check in that’s all. Very short and no remorse or even a slight mention of whether he missed me. Just recently I come to find out he removed everyone related to me on social media. So he just wants to start with a clean slate which is just another jab to my heart.
Am I in denial? Am i blind? Am i stupid for wanting to reach out to understand what happened? Are all the signs here and I need no closure at all? Is he being prideful and not letting his guard down or is it true that when a man wants you back and wants to be with you he will do everything in his control to make it up to you? I am seriously thinking that i must have done something terribly wrong to deserve it so I am taking all the blame internally for no reason.
What do I do? I would really appreciate a guys input here. Thank you all and sorry for the long description.
Better off single
Control what you can. You can send your apology, tell him you miss him, and wait for a response. You have no control of the response or if he will at all.
To me it sounds like he is moving on. He isn’t a mind reader, and if he does it want to work things out you’re being kind of difficult. Why pursue it when there’s a risk of being rejected? You know he won’t but he doesn’t. You have the same fear so…is it worth the risk?
The realistic thing is to let go.
Honeypie
I remember your posts from last year. You strike me as a person who is sensitive and deep, i consider myself someone of the same cloth when it comes to matters of the heart: it takes us a long time to process and come to terms with wounds and heartbreak. For that is what happened to you. Your heart is broken still. Two months isn’t long, and especially for a person who struggles with such.
I remember when he reached out before. You didn’t know what to do, and wasn’t sure of his motives however what you did feel was relief and reassurance from this action of his, like you must still be on his mind and important. You didn’t respond at the time, and sounds like you subsequently did and now you feel bad once more as it seems he’s making every effort to now not want anything further and saying he just reached out before to check in- he’s shut down right now.
Please take heart in he likely didn’t reach out for that reason- but not he’s making a determined effort to move on from what you guys had. You owe him no apology at all. His behaviour was unacceptable at the time. Please push on through this. You’ll feel rejected if you start to persue him. If you must contact again, keep it light and sporadic, and don’t initiate more than the first time. Step right back and focus on your dignity and self esteem here.
My guess is you’re feeling new hurt due to him looking like he’s moving on
Tallspicy
So here’s the deal. If he could not articulate why he was leaving the relationship when he was actually leaving it, he is not gonna articulate it now. I had a break up like that last year and I still to this day made up a reason why he ended it. I just inferred it based on what happened between us. You were going to feel much worse if you try to get closure. He is not going to make you feel better because you can’t control a person in a relationship and you definitely can’t control them out. I don’t mean it in the controlling sense I made it in that they are not engaged anymore and that’s that.
And as to taking all the blame. Snap out of it girl! You need to forgive yourself. That is the only thing that matters. So here’s a suggestion. Make a list of the things that you did well in this relationship and You are going to take them to the next one. Then make a list of the things that didn’t help and Take away the lessons to do better next time. Then forgive yourself for anything you did, because the reality is you were doing just the best you could in the moment. So the key here is to take the lesson and stop beating yourself up otherwise. It doesn’t serve It and it keeps you from meeting other people. It actually keeps you from loving yourself which is more important. Did you make mistakes? Of course you did. That’s what being human is. That is what a relation is. His inability to communicate what the problem is and try to solve it is his issue. Don’t own it. He wasn’t trying to get back with you, he just wanted an ego stroke and I feel like a good guy because he doesn’t like the idea that he broke up with you which makes him feel like a jerk.
It took me months to forgive myself for one night in my last relationship. The reality is is if one night could end our relationship it wasn’t only me. So that’s the best you can do. Mistakes are not meant to be prisons. They’re meant to be learnings. Find someone else who knows how to communicate when there’s a problem. This guy does not sound like he’s capable and maybe you dodged a bullet.
Khadija
I’m sorry this break up has been difficult.
You gave many reasons in your post why things didn’t work out so I don’t see a reason to reach out.He seemed very standoffish in the end, do you think that will change now that things are over?
I think you should find the closure on your own because oftentimes we rarely get closure from an ex.
In this case I think you are hoping if you reach out he will have a change of heart.Focus on you and healing your heart. Take whatever lesson you need from this and move forward.
Break ups are never easy and they hurt but, in due the heart mends.
Jo
Ellen, I’m sorry you feel so sad about the breakup. It’s difficult when it happens and you’re blindsided. You said he seemed less present and that started creating problems between you. That distance from him came because he wasn’t sure or ready for more. That’s all you need to know. When someone decides that their life is better without you, you need to let them go. Not all relationships last forever. I know ow it’s painful but try focusing on one day at a time and be loving to yourself, do something you enjoy every day.
This guy’s not worth your hurt. No one is. -
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