Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Should I stay or should I go..
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 2 years, 7 months ago by
Tammy.
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TheSuricate
Hello everyone! I am currently in a very confusing (for myself) situation and I really need an advice. So, I started dating a guy only 4 months ago. In the beginning it was a total magic. Our first date was 12 hours, then the second one – 27 and then, we started living together in the first month. Things are developing extremely fast and this is something I don’t really like. I saw a lot of things I really liked in him and even living together so soon did not feel so strange. Until the moment he started getting annoyed by everything. The fact I work a lot during the day, how I am organising dinners, HOW I making surprises for him.. Basically, he started getting annoyed about everything good. I accidentally started trying to be better (do things just how he expects them to be) and I kinda lost my identity and self-esteem in the whole thing. I even moved to another city just because he’s feeling better there. He started getting angry about really stupid things and started raging about them – screaming and saying really rude stuff to me. At some point I just started getting colder and I this got him even angrier. He never showed physical aggression, but I am under psychological attacks almost all the time. Now, after he said “karma is punishing me with you” and even sweared at me, I told him I think I want to break up. He said he can give me some time to think about it and we saw each other 2 days ago. He said he really screwed up and he wants me back and he wants to start doing everything as a team and be partners and he is realising what problem he has. So, I am confused, because I am really hurt by everything I’ve seen and heard from him during the last two months and I really lost myself, but, on the other hand, I am wondering if all I saw in the beginning (which is basically what I’ve ever imagined my whole life) can be reality and if I should risk damaging myself once again. Long story short – I saw something big in him, then things got really messed up, I totally lost myself and got hurt and now he is saying he is realising everything and he wants to fix things. Should I stay or should I go?
Raven
Oh Hell No.
Why are you even contemplating staying with this guy?!TheSuricate
Because I really like the good part of him. Still, not sure if it’s worth it.
Raven
So the good outweighs the jackass?
Raven
If you do reconsider, make him live anywhere but at your place.
TheSuricate
This was something I was thinking about – not going to the other city for a long time. Cause that actually made me isolated from friends, family, co-workers and basically everything in my life. Still, he said he appreciates what I did with moving somewhere else, but he doesn’t really thinks it’s a big deal, cause it’s risk-free (I’m keeping my place and didn’t leave it for good)
Thank you, Raven, I think I really needed to see your first reply. The “hell no” part made me realize I was not crazy at all when I firstly thought to break up with him.
Liz Lemon
It’s not worth it. I’ve been where you are. Healthy relationships do NOT start out with fireworks and 12 & 27-hour first & second dates. Look up “lovebombing”. It’s common for abusers to lovebomb you, suck you in, then completely turn around once they’ve got you hooked. You spend the entire relationship trying to recapture what you had at the beginning…but you have to understand that what you had at the beginning wasn’t real. It was an act, it was lovebombing.
This guy is showing you who he really is now – rude, controlling, verbally abusive. Isolating you and screaming at you. You say he’s not physically abusive yet, but you’ve only been dating a few months- he could very well escalate to physical abuse, from what you’ve described. Abusers also apologize and swear they will change, but it never happens. They just say it to keep you on the hook.
Believe me, I have been exactly where you are so I really sympathize. In my case it escalated to physical abuse before I left. Leave this guy. It’s not worth it. I think you know that, or you wouldn’t be posting here.
In the future, beware of guys who rush the pace of a relationship. A healthy relationship takes time to grow–it doesn’t happen overnight. Honestly, you need to date a guy 3-4 months before you can be sure he’s even relationship material. And healthy relationships do not cause stress and pain! Your boyfriend should never scream at you and belittle you. Yes, you encounter challenges and difficult moments, but even during disagreements there should be respect and consideration for the other person’s feelings. Overall the relationship should feel good and not hurt.
Maddie
I agree with Liz. In addition, when people seem to totally “flip” early in the relationship after things were just great, they’re generally showing you who they actually are and things can’t “go back” to the beginning because the beginning was mostly fantasy. Once you are getting to know each other, what you see is what you get. You did nothing to cause the flip, it’s just him once he reels someone in and stops idealizing them. I’ve also been in situations where people have done that (though I never moved in so it was easier to leave), and it never gets better or goes “back.” It’s a sign of deep emotional issues, and I’d personally recommend trusting your instincts on this and ending it.
You will probably feel bad and some longing afterwards which may make you question your decision, but this is very normal to happen after such an intense experience! Stay out of contact for a few months until you feel “normal” again, and you can probably trust your perspective at that point. But if you feel bad after a couple weeks and feel like you regret it or want to reach out, don’t! Ride those feelings out for a while first, and you’ll see how you really feel at a later time.
TheSuricate
Didn’t know about “lovebombing” and it’s scary how many of the described signs are matching. I would add the lovebomber need for sacrifices from his partner.
It’s funny that I’ve always been careful with people who want to rush the relationship and I’ve always tried to slow down things. This is the first time I’m letting this happen and it seems that it’s not a good idea.
Sometimes I’m forgetting that we only dated for 4 months and it’s actually a very important fact.
Thank you, Liz and Maddie! All of your advices are much needed at the moment. You are really helping my inner voice rn.
Tammy
I agree with liz totally. Been in that situation myself. The way this guy is behaving is totally unacceptable and i doubt he is going to change. He may be on his best behaviour again for few weeks to win you back but when faced wid life pressures, tense situations, arguments, he will revert to his old self. I also feel you need to cut your losses and think of moving on..
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