Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Should I stay with this guy who left his girlfriend for me?
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Options2.
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Jane
This guy, let’s call him J.
J met his ex-girlfriend about two years ago. For the first a few months, they lived at the same city so the relationship was pretty serious. But a few months later (about 1 year and half ago) she moved to another city for work (about three-hour train ride). They still kept the relationship, at first J would go to visit her a lot, but later he only went there every a few months. The last time he went to visit her is this March.J asked me out this April, and a couple of months later he asked me to be his girlfriend when we were in a vacation. I didn’t know he had a girlfriend, until a few weeks ago I saw some woman texting her underwear pictures to him. At first he denied to have any relationship with her; later he admitted “has dated her casually but that was long time ago.” I found out the details about their relationship myself, I also found out when J was with her, he was with other women too.
J told me, because of the long-distance, their relationship has been drifted away for a long time, but neither of them wanted to be the first one to break up. He told me now he has totally broke up with her (the woman and I know each other’s existence and we are facebook friends now, so it is very hard for him to hide any truth from us now) and he only wanted to be with me. He is begging me to give him the second chance, and told me he has cut off his relationship with all other women too.
I believe he loves me, I really do. But I also believe he loved his ex when they first met too. His ex and I are both very smart and established women, I might have some advantages such as I am five years younger and look way hotter than she is (I am not bragging but it is a fact). So here my questions are: first, I am not sure if I can trust him again, for the past a few months, there are just too many lies. Second, his ex is a wonderful woman, I am afraid he is with me just because of my better look (not saying I am dumb,she and I actually went to the same law school )–and that is definitely not a foundation for any successful relationship.
I can see he is really trying now. Last week he went to Asia for work,he called me everyday from Asia and texted me through the days. He just came back today and asked me for dinner tomorrow. I am just not sure if I should give him the second chance.
Ashley
I wouldn’t bother with him because you can’t trust him & if there is no trust there is no relationship. Leopards don’t change their spots. It’s good he’s making an effort but what good is it if you can’t be certain what he’s doing or will start to do behind your back.
Options2
Jane this is a tough one. My gut tells me no.
To me from your description of him. I could put him in the player category. Having business trip to a foreign country means he does well in his job. Although graduate school is demanding but that does not mean men could use as an excuse for lacking knowledge or decency to treating women in such a inappropriate behavior.
No one can guaranty relationship status. I believe we are debating character traits in here. That truly takes time to expose whether he is a trustworthy person. I understand some small white lies but so many women in between his prior relationship is a big red flag. God even know if he truly know how to respect a woman.
If you really like him… Take it super slow. See who he is and what he does about rectifying his past action. If I don’t like him as much , someone else should appreciate his chance with you.
Khadija
I agree with Ashley (by the way your photo is stunning)
If you don’t trust this guy move on. Regardless of the situation with him and this woman he did cheat on her and then lied to you.
I don’t know about you but, that does not sit well with me.
While I understand you care for this man, there other guys that are truthful and end one relationship before they get into another one.
Em
A “second” chance?
He could have chosen to break up with his ex upfront before pursuing you.
He could have chosen to disclose his failure in April, May, June, July.
This is called ‘backbone,’ get a man that has one.
Jane
Hi guys, thanks a lot for your responses.
He is a successful guy, but I think both his ex and me could do better. He is very good at charming women, I guess the person above put him into the ‘player’ category, you are absolutely right.
He is divorced and has been single for about 10 years. One of my friend who is at his age told me, when guys have been single for so long, he might want to settle down eventually. And that friend also told me, he thinks J really loves me I should give him a second chance.
Anyhow, I like your responses better.
I just have one more question. I supposed to meet him for dinner tomorrow, what should I do or say during the dinner. I guess at this point holding up sex is kinda meaningless. Someone above said I should take it slow, would you mind telling me more about it?Thanks again for all your responses!
Options2
You could give yourself a chance to take it super slow as a friend. Here is my logic to derive that:
1. We knew what he DID to you and other women.
2. We don’t know how much he loves you – that can turn a player to regret how he mistreated others who deserve basic treatment of human decency. Whether you choose to observe him longer or not- it is truly your choice. For long term husband material – no matter what profession or social class he is from, We all should want a man with integrity, ethical and possess good moral values. Because he will be your beloved husband and role model of your children.
3. Besides logic – I truly believe as what you mentioned that he loves you from his bottom of his heart and a changed man, He at least could be your friend. But if I am involved in this situation , the guy can wait – you can’t put a date on that stamp if he truly loves you as he claim. I will honestly not have sex with him until he is proven that I could trust again. Exactly like how American legal system works, fair trial , jail time and start anew back to the society. If he really really loves you, he should be willing to do how married couple would do to survive in infidelity. I would not have sex with him for a long long time. If he can’t wait – it just meant he was never in love with you. Choice is yours.
Options2
And don’t forget. You were hurt by his actions.
You have to be aware and assess the amount of risk to take him back …
Set your own boundary. That is why I said give yourself a chance to see if you can implement what your set out to do. I can’t calculate the success rate for you. Look real careful of his character should you remain contact with him. At this point his love for you will motivate him to make amend. But his real character will hold the glue that he would continue to treat you with the respect that you deserve from tomorrow and on…
Jane
Ok,I want to update a bit what happened after the dinner.
Unfortunately, I didn’t take you guys’ advice. we went out for dinner and then back to my place.
At the mid of the night, about 4am. I checked his phone. All his texts history was deleted (red flag). But on his call history, it showed he called his ex that morning.
I asked him if he contacted his ex recently, he denied. Then I threw him out of my place at 4am.
The next day, I called his ex. She didn’t want to take my call at first. Then I sent her lots of screen shot of the texts btw him and me. We talked about 1 hour then everything was clear: They have been dating for about two months. He went to New York to visit every a couple of weeks. He told me he came back from Asia this Monday, but in fact, he came back last Saturday and he directly went to New York. For the whole weekend, he was at New York, but he pretended he was at Asia.
His ex is a very nice woman and in love with him. She told me her dad has cancer, and his only wish before death is seeing her got married. The guy used this, and promised to marry her, in fact, he told her he is gonna propose by the end of the year.Jane
On thing she said raised my suspicions. I never went to that guy’s place, but we only be together not long so I didn’t think that was a big deal. But she told me she never went to his place either, for two years!
I sensed something was wrong there. I checked that property and found out it was owned by that guy and his so-called ex-wife. I found out that ex-wife’s name and work information, then made the call.
I told her who I am and asked her if they are still married. She said yes. She told me she has been tortured for so many years. Her husband is an alcoholic and has affairs with so many women, at this point, she just wanted to get out.
I called this the other girlfriend immediately, I said to her, I have some bad news and I hope you could hang in there.
She was so devastated after I told her the truth. I can imagine. A man you have been for two years, a man who promised to marry you and give you future and kids for two years— turned out is married.
I don’t feel too bad, since we haven’t been together for so long. But this girl. I don’t know how could she got herself in such a bad situation. She told me she feel guilty, for letting her family down, and be involved with a married man.
I don’t know what to do now. I am totally down with this dude. But I am pretty sure he is gonna to lie to this poor girl again. He is gonna say something like, oh babe my marriage has been died for years. Once my kid turned 18 I will marry you. And I think she will believe that.
This is a truly ugly world.Ashley
At least you found out the truth. Now never talk to this guy again!
Jane
Correction: they have been dating for two years not two months!
Ashley
I had a bad feeling about him. I’m sorry you had to go through this but at least now you know for a fact
Options2
Always look at his character first…not even how he pursues at the beginning.
I don’t need to date a lot to tell whose character is better. All you need is go out and talk to people a lot instead of head over heel about how a guy wine and fine you. Even worse text you day and night to claim you…
Options2
But sorry for your situation. I am sure you will handle much better next time.
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