Should I tell my boyfriend about my anxiety?

I suffer with anxiety, although not to the extent where I get panic attacks.

I’ve learnt things about myself in each and every relationship and dating encounter.

In my last relationship I decided to be the ‘cool girl’ as I’ve seen advised on so many relationship articles.

The trouble with this was, I got so focused on not being dramatic, that I ended up being ‘cool’ every time I felt let down by him. He thought I was chilled, when inside my anxiety was ripping me to pieces.

My friends told me time and time to tell him how his actions made me feel. It took me nearly a year to do so.

As my anxiety increased and his bad episodes of behavior continued I still pretty much continued my facade of being cool with it all.

One day he told me to stand up to him if he did something that upset me. So I did. He cheered me for standing up for myself. But I felt ridiculed and then continued with my cool attitude.

When we split up, for many reasons, one was that I had no respect for myself and did not stand up to him.

We’ve been split 4 months now and last week we saw each other for the first time. I told him about my anxiety, how his behavior had made me ill. I’m now on 3 medications to deal with it all. He had no idea at all that I was going through all this.

I need to find a way to express myself to men, without looking anxious, but in a manner that shows I have respect for myself.

He said I needed to tell him when he upset me. He said if I faked not being bothered I was never being my true self to him. And he was right.

Hopefully any advice that is given to you can help me too.

Thank you Buttercup and Stefanie for taking time to reply! :)
Am sorry that you had to go through all this and I sincerely wish you the best. thank you for sharing :) I shall always keep your story in mind and work by it!
Hey Stefanie, I have been going through it since I was a teenager (am in my early 20s, at university now). Most of the time, its studies and work that give me the anxiety, which is logical and as long as I got everything planned by the details and am working according to the plan or instructions, the anxiety, still present but its within the reasonable. However, being in a situation that I have not considered or planned for, could be as simple as taking the wrong route or running late can make me really anxious and angry, and of course depending on how horrible the situation is, it can affect the level of my anxiety/panic attack symptoms and how angry I can get.

Am definitely not proud and I have attempted some counseling for it, but I have not taken any medications nor am in any professional therapy. Mostly its me reminding myself to relax and catch a breath.

I believe that there are two parts: managing and expressing:

Managing your thoughts and feelings
– meditation, daily – try headspace
– tools – Katie Byron the work, and inner bonding
– breathing
– brain reprogramming

Those should all help.

But,you can also share with him and ask him to help you. Have the conversation when you are not anxious and be vulnerable. Just say it is something you are working on, can he help you. My guess is he will…

I like this post! :)

I’ve been very very anxious in one of my relationship in the past, and I sabotaged it, and it took me so much time to get over this guy. Time has passed, I worked on myself (with therapy) and I don’t suffer from it that much now. But still from time to time.

I sometimes also make the mistake of being “the cool girl” like Buttercup, and this is not a good path as well. And I often find myself confused between how I should feel or not, should I say something? does it worth it? is it me? exhausting ….

The best way I found to calm myself down and adress my issues in a mature way, is to take some time for myself when I’m starting to feel anxious. I don’t see my bf for a few days (I find excuses or i tell him i need some alone time), so I can process my anxiety alone, talk about it with friends, and find the reasons why I’m feeling that way. Sometimes it’s just me and I have to calm myself down and focus on the good things, and sometimes it’s because I’m angry about something he did or didn’t do, and I don’t want to adress it, as I don’t want to look like an uneasy person, or needy etc…
But if after taking time for myself, I know deep down that it’s because he hasn’t been good to me, or because I’m not ok with a situation (The Xmas situation for thoses who read my post), I adress it as a “I’m not ok with that, and I need that from you”. And I can see it’s appreciated. It shows that I know who I am and what I want. And guys can feel lost when they see we’re inconfortable without knowing why.
I’m starting to believe that they need us to guide them so they can take care of us the best way, and in the end, everybody’s happy. Because, of course, if they heard me and act on it, they’ll have a reward ;)

When suffering from anxiety, the best medicine is breathing technics. Use it on an everyday routine, and also when you feel it’s coming up and it’s definitely not the time. Helps a lot!