Should pull away be punished

I am doing completely NC now… But feel the anger building in me…

Don’t know if I can be sweet and warm if/when he is back..

also asked my husband, and he says he never heard of such a thing or did this.

Only ever happened for me with guys that then continued to blow hot and cold afterwards. It has never happened to me with any stable long term relationship, and certainly not my current one. I would consider carefully if I wanted him were he to come back, whether you want to be in a yo yo relationship.

Hi S, thanks very much for sharing your story with us. That was wonderful what you did. Can I ask how long it took for him to notice and step up after you started focusing on being happy?

Is NC the only thing I can do now?

I am struggling between wanting to hear from him, wondering if he is partner material if he can shut down over such minor things , and really want to make it difficult for him of/when he comes back…

And here’s the thing about that. When he comes back, he’s gonna expect you to be perfectly fine and act like nothing happened. If you don’t say anything (voice your opinions on the matter, let him know you are mad,) then he will think that he can do it over and over again, and get away with it. Not sure what the entire situation is like, but I e been involved in a pull away relationship with someone for 2 years….ugh it’s exhausting! But the conclusion I have came to on that: there are BETTER guys out there, who will NOT pull away from you :)

I have experienced the pull back at the 3 month mark two times that I can think of. Both times, nothing came of the relationship. Anytime Ive been in several serious relationships and I’m in one now, and none of them ever pulled back at a certain time mark or caused me to wonder how they felt.

I think in most cases, it’s just a guy that doesn’t see a future and looks at you more of a convenience. But obviously, as stated above, there are those rare outlier situations where things end up great.

I’d recommend just mirroring his actions too. im the kind of person who doesn’t like to waste my time so if someone doesn’t see a future w me, after hanging out w 3 months, and they start going cold, I outright talk to them about it. I don’t have time for games so the back and forth stuff is something I won’t put up with. And If I’m into someone, and they’re just not putting in any effort for a good amount of time, I’ll send one text making an effort and if its not reciprocated, I mark them off and move on. I don’t want to be anyone convenience option.

Let’s see… All in all it was roughly 1 month (or 1 month and 1 week) between him pulling away and asking me out on a proper date. I think for the first 2 weeks we were pleasant at work when we were around but otherwise didn’t talk much. I continued to do my own thing and leave him alone. After the two week mark he started coming around my desk a bit, showed he was still interested in his way, I showed him I was still interested in my way, he then texted me “hey” for the first time which I responded to the next day and we gradually started talking/texting again, keeping it casual. However, he wanted to start having sex again. That led a big talk where I basically told him I’m not jumping into bed again because it was obviously too soon and a huge mistake, I would like to start dating again, but act right or don’t waste my time, physical intimacy will be on my terms, when I am comfortable and he has proven himself. That conversation happened, then we didn’t talk much for 2-3 days while he thought things through, and then he asked me out on a proper date and things went back to the way they were before. He actually started putting in even more effort, like calling me regularly instead of just texting all the time, and just really stepped up.

For the most of it Diane, men can’t explain the pull away. They’ll tell you they got busy with work or something else in their life. You know that’s not true, they know it too but I don’t think they have the emotional intelligence to query and then explain why they felt a need to get away from someone they’re so drawn to. All they might tell you is that they ‘needed space to figure stuff out’

During that big conversation we had about how he still wanted sex and I was all “NO,” I told him that I wanted someone who wouldn’t just disappear on me when things get rough. He said I had really hurt his feelings, and I apologized profusely, telling him that the things I said had physically hurt ME as well as him, and I could tell he was more upset about it than he was letting on because I saw him actually wince when I said those things. I told him it was a defensive mechanism and I didn’t want to be that way with him.

We were out on a date like two months later, we had gotten comfortable with each other again and were doing a better job of talking things out and opening up. We’re both very private people and I think pretty guarded. I can’t remember what brought it up again but we were going out to dinner and he brought it up again. he said that what hurt was that I was serious, I wasn’t calling him those names as a joke. I apologized again and explained to him that I was basically freaking out and I just didn’t handle it or myself properly.

So I learned that it’s important that when you mess up, and you will, to own up to it and be truly sorry, if you are. I’ve been watching him closely and I am not the only one apologizing for stuff. He has apologized to me out of the blue for sounding short over text messages (he was doing homework and I was distracting him without realizing it), not returning calls right away, being late, forgetting stuff, etc. Also if he doesn’t do something that he routinely does that I like, and I mention it (not in an accusatory way, just “I like it when you [blank] and you didn’t, I was sad”), he makes more of an effort to do whatever it is or at least call and explain why he didn’t do XYZ.

But anyway, just chill and do your own thing and don’t get mad. If he comes back, I wouldn’t really be in a hurry to bring it up why he pulled away. He might just tell you why out of the blue and then you can talk it out in a calm, friendly manner

Thanks ladies for all the inputs..

So basically we had a fight last Monday night over some small things, I got mad, and told him it is over and I am going to date some else… He immediately went silent..

I apologize Tuesday morning, and he apologize to me too.

Comes Wednesday, things turned for the worse whether he cancelled the sleepover….

Yesterday he made small gesture to be friendly, offering some help….

I did learn my lesson here, that I need to control my emotion etc… But I will continue the NC a little long to see if we can move over this and regain truest….

Thanks to all..