Should we avoid being ourselves when dating?

To answer your question– no, you shouldn’t have to hide who you are while dating. The only way to find someone you’re truly compatible with is to be yourself.

Having said that, if you are aggressive or combative in your dealings with men, that will be a huge turn off. A huge part of successful relationships is the ability to compromise. If you are truly not willing to back down, see another person’s point of view, or admit you’re wrong- you will have a very hard time dating and finding a relationship.

No one wants to date someone with a temper, either. It’s unpleasant and draining. In a relationship you DO have to let some things go, you can’t blow up over every minor thing.

How do you manage to get on with your friends, do you treat them the same way? If this rigid, unforgiving behavior is something you only have while dating, that’s significant.

I don’t think I’m too aggressive or not being understanding. I get along with my friends well and we rarely fight but if we do have a disagreement we tend to just tell each other we need to cool off and let’s change the topic.

I feel I do let little things go and quite patient when it come to dating. But I know sometimes when little things upset me I will let the guy know by sharing my thoughts and how I feel. I might come across a bit strong, e.g. one of the guy I used to date got lazy and decided to cancelled our date out of the blue without rescheduling. I got upset and told him I don’t like how he canceled last minute and that I know his sorry but I am still upset and need time to think.

My friend would tell me it’s the first time he did it so I shouldn’t of said anything and just let it go. I was really upset at the time, but after what my friend said, I felt so bad for being upset at him. He got upset at me and avoided me for a whole week, which made me feel even worst. I feel I’m kinda afraid to say exactly how I feel uncase it might upset the other person, so instead I will choose a less conflicted reason.

E.g. when I told him the reason I was upset instead of saying “I feel like you’re not interested in seeing me since you canceled our date when we already hardly see each other without even rescheduling, you don’t even seem excited or look forward to it”. But I ended up saying this instead “when you canceled last minute like that it feel like you didn’t want to see me, I’m sure every girl will feel like that if it happen to them”. Now I wish I could of say exactly how I felt.

Hi Evelyn,
You said ” Both my family and friends have said that I do have a temper and always speak my mind without a care.” – if you believe your family and friends are saying this because they care about you, then listen.

A temper alongside a free flowing mouth are going to get you into trouble. Speaking when you’re angry without a filter isn’t smart in any part of your life. You’re taking this input as you have to suppress yourself and edit who you are. That’s not necessarily, but holding your tongue when emotional and learning a little tact would be useful if you want to have good relationships. If you find your tendency to just spew is causing problems in your relationships, now would be a good time to step back and take stock of who you’re showing up as.

When someone is described or describes themselves as having a “strong personality” I’ve found that really means they are not very mature, obnoxious, self-absorbed, loud, overbearing and tone-deaf to others. Ask yourself honestly if you have any of those traits and if you want to keep living like that. “I can’t help how I am” isn’t true.

If you’re always “speaking your mind without a care” then I’d highly suggest you look underneath what makes you do that, because an emotionally developed person speaks the truth tactfully for the benefit of all. Or shuts up when it’s the wrong time to speak. And knows when the right and wrong times to speak are.

For what it’s worth, if someone cancels a date on me at the last minute, if it’s a legit reason I don’t get upset. Nothing to get upset about – something urgent came up that has to take precedence, it’s the way it goes sometimes. Best to be gracious and say, of course I’m disappointed not to see you but I understand. I leave it to them to reschedule.

If there’s no reason given or a BS excuse, that’s information about them and about the value they’re placing on my time. I back way off and let them come forward with an apology or an explanation. if they don’t, I’m done with them. If they apologize and explain, I listen and say, accepted. In the future, I’d really appreciate it if you would let me know at the earliest possible time if our plans are going to change.

And then three strikes and I’m done on the third incident, if not the second one depending on the circumstances. Unless someone is an ER doctor on call, a locksmith or something else where they tend to have work emergencies, I’m not interested in dating someone who manages their time poorly and doesn’t respect mine.

Also, you have to remember not to make the one in front of you pay for the sins of others in the past. If someone cancels last minute and you feel triggered because this is what your last boyfriend always did, it doesn’t mean you throw up the wall and lash out at the one in front of you.