Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › Should we break up? Confused…
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 4 years, 6 months ago by
Millie.
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Melissa
Hi,
I’ve been with my B/F for approx 1.5 years. I’m 28 and he’s 30. I’ve had 2 serious relationships before, he has had 3.
He has got quite bad anxiety and likes to spend a lot of time with me. We live about 20-30 mins away from each other and only a few stops on the tube. He came to my place for the lockdown. We got on really well pre lockdown, however I have said a few times that I would like some more of my own space (We spend 5 or 6 nights of the week together). This rarely happened.
We have been bickering A LOT whilst living together. From silly things to what to have for dinner, to big arguments about when to have kids! (I do not want them for some time!).
I am classed as a key worker but he is not. My job is not on the front line, but we had a key worker letter for our sector and I cannot work from home. B/F has been making an issue out of it most days, saying to me that it is unsafe. I don’t disagree, however it is my job so I have had to go in. This has also been another source of our bickering.
When we bicker, he tends to sit and ignore me. If I don’t agree with him, he says that I am not listening. I have started biting back, however he then just threatens to break up with me because I talk to him like crap.
He’s never been physically abusive.
On the flip side of this, he’s very caring, we share the same sense of humour and enjoy similar hobbies.
IDK if its because I am reaching nearly 30 and worry, but I’m questioning whether we should break up or go on a break. When I think of life without him, and a future not together, it seems awful and makes me feel sick. However, all this bickering is just making me question everything.
Thank you in advance xo
Josée
This lockdown is bringing out the worst thoughts in people with anxiety. I have bad anxiety myself, and with a lockdown, especially if he is at home all the time, it gives us plenty of time to overthink on every little thing.
Usually, the “break up with you” threat is a method of self-sabotage, because he is afraid.
Lockdown does have a strain on mental health. The bickering will always happen. My suggestion would be to just sit down with him, and have a talk about how it’s making you feel, and maybe find common ground, and talk through all of the thoughts and issues going on right now.
I can guarantee you, should he be at your place, but without lockdown, it would be much different. There’s a lot of uncertainty in relation to the virus.
Patience, is the most important thing to remember, when dealing with someone with bad anxiety.
The fact that you feel sick when you think about not being with him anymore, is fact enough to not break up with him. Bickering is not a reason you should break up, in my opinion.
I hope this makes sense!
Melissa
Hi Josee,
Thank you. I guess I’m fortunate I don’t struggle too much with anxiety, though I am finding it tough.
Every time we talk B/F just shuts down at the minute… just says we’re fine. But I can’t keep bickering like this, it’s grinding me down. He’s also v demanding at the minute (can you take this upstairs, can you put my shoes away etc).
I think it would be different if we did have more personal space, my place is not very big. So it feels like we’re on top of each other a lot.
Thank you for your advice x
mell
The pandemic and lockdown is making everyone stressed. He’s cooped up at home, and you’re spending a lot more time together than couples usually do. Healthy relatoinships require space – either going out with different friends, or a hobby you don’t share, or some other form of alone time if all your friends and hobbies are mutual. The point is, it’s never been healthy or easy to spend 24/7 together, – it’s not ‘relatonship goals’ as some people portray it. People start to feel trapped, unable to get their own space, and act out because they feel they can’t assert their inependence. What you guys are facing is not a normal situation, and it won’t be forever.
Maybe you guys need to spend evenings doing diferent things? like one of you reading in the bedroom whilst the other watches TV. Or even in the same room but doing different things. Or taking walks separately to get some air.
He sounds like he needs to get some counselling – it’s something he can refer himself to in most areas. You can’t avoid your job because he is anxious (and Isay this as a key worker with anxious leanings). His way of arguing is also not costructive, but the iddle of a pandemic isn’t the easiest time to work on it – I’d suggest couples therapy when lockdown lifts and things ease up. The bickering will decrease (probably) when you’re not in each other’s faces the whole time. But if he can’t learn to argue constructively, THAT will be a problem.
It might also just be that this rushed your relationship a little bit and that uou weren’t quite ready to spend so much time together. I know a lot of people who moved in because of lockdown – and I’m sure it’s straining a lot of relationshps. My BFa nd I decided not to (well my job circs wouldn’t have allowed it, but I never seriously considered it because I knew the circumstances weren’t right). I feel that moving in should be a natural progression from spending lots of time together – which has built up over the relationship to the point where you’re spending so much time together that it’s silly not to. But a lot of people went from that still-independent and spacey stage to live-in, and didn’t have the time to ease into having less personal space and time. A rlationship involves two people adapting to spending increasing amounts of time together – til they spend most of it together. But even then, it’s never meant to be all your time – that’d be crazymaking.
If you had a great 1 year 3 motbhs togethher before lockdown, it’d be a shame to walk away now because you guys are struggling under extraordinary circumstances – unless you really think it’s the right thing to do. Don’t make any sudden decisions.
Newbie
I dont like a view things about his arguments. First bickering over your job doesnt sit well with me. I understand he can feel that but continu to mention it when you dont have a choice is bothering to me. His demanding ways, like you have to outcome away his shoes in your house. No no. ALso when you say something back he threatens to break up. Big no no.
I think you should seriously consider this trial at living together as a sign this is not working out. This guy is smothering you and always on your tail and maybe lacks to do stuff for himself. Im not saying you should break up on the spot but you do need to talk about what is bothering hopefully in a not fighting way. After dinner seems to be the best time for that. Good luckNewbie
*a few things sorry
Raven
If he’s this way now, imagine how he’s going to be down the road…
He’s controlling & manipulative… It will only get worse.
Millie
I was in a relationship for 20 years, We got separated because i decided to move to another state, because
of my parents. he refuse to go with me because of his job. Till this day i haven’t stop loving him. It has been 4 years that we decided to go different ways.. He has someone and as for the same. We both are not happy.
But he doesn’t talk to much about what are his plans, like i need closure.. Say something… -
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