Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Should we just stay as friends?
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tammy.
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Tina
I met someone in 2018, we were both drunk at a party and I went up to him because my friend found him cute. Little did I know that once I started a conversation with him, he knew who I was and he started confessing to me how much he loves my cousin. He found me on Facebook the next day and messaged me. He was super drunk and needed me to fill in the gaps. I’m extremely close to my cousin and at that time, she was single so I did tell her everything. A week later they were both telling me that they’re not interested in each other and just wanted to remain friends. The guy and I kept hanging out, I asked my cousin what she thought and she had 0 attraction for him. She really didn’t see herself with him and 3 months later she was in a relationship with someone else. The guy and I kept hanging out, I ended up being the one developing feelings for him and so I sent him a flirty video. He responded with a “wtf” and “I think it’s awkward now”. So I got traumatized and whenever he’d invite me out I ended up not showing up. He ended up dating someone and was in a relationship for 8 months but he broke it off because he wasn’t as into her as she was into him. I was suppose to leave for Spain last year 2020, but because of the pandemic I ended up staying where I am and I started working here. My cousin and I got even closer and we would hangout all the time. She invited the guy to our mini gatherings and we ended up getting really close and became good friends (again). Once again, he knew all my secrets and I knew all of his. He would ask me to set him up with someone but whenever I showed him someone he would decline. I’m not sure if that information actually says anything except for the fact that he’s picky with who he wants to date. My cousin ended up leaving to take her masters abroad but the guy and I would continue to hangout. We would always hangout with groups, he asked what I would be doing in the night and he ended up joining my plans. So much so that my friends ended up becoming his friends and vise versa. All throughout this I always felt like we are just friends but there is definitely a part of me that’s hidden and buried deep inside where I keep my feelings for him. We hungout again during the weekend, he invited his friends and he then invited to his apartment. The friends asked why we never dated, I cut them off right away (being traumatized and feeling awkward), I said that he is in love with my cousin and that there’s zero attraction between us. The guy ended up stopping me and said that it isn’t zero attraction. He also told me that another mutual friend of ours kept asking if we already made out. His friends started zoning in on us though and said that the best relationships start with a good foundation. The fact that the two of you are already best friends should make dating easier. The guy and I though both agreed that it’s nice to have good guy/girl best friends. The next day, I messaged him but it wasn’t much or anything scandalous hahaha. After that, he ended up starting conversations with me and invited me to go out with him again. We ended up making plans for tomorrow and I’m going to see him but again, we are hanging out with another friend and it’s not just the two of us. I’m just curious with what you think? Do you think that this is strictly friendship or can it actually be something? I was already rejected back in 2018 by this guy but I also think we both changed and have different mind sets now. I know he likes hanging out with me and I like hanging out with him too. Based from him saying that there’s not zero attraction, also started making me think again about the what ifs. He has also met my family and been to my house. We know each others friends and I’ve talked about him with my parents throughout the years but not recently. I’m also an extreme overthinker and I do need guidance on what to do about my feelings.
tammy
i think he likes you, finds you fun to hang out with and likes being friends with you. he doesn’t seem to be interested in you in a romantic way or else he would have given some indication. even in the past, when you told him your interested, he kind of let it slide. i think you should hang out with him only if your comfy being just friends. sometimes all things on paper seem perfect but in reality it doesn’t work. you guys seem to enjoy hanging out together but not in a romantic way. unless he makes a move, i would not approach him again romantically.
Lane
You seem to be stuck on the word “attraction” but it can take on many different forms, such as being attracted to your personality, which IMO is why he likes to hang out with you platonically (key word).
He is not romantically interested in you or he wouldn’t be asking you to set him up with other girls. Seriously, no man in his right mind would do that other than to make sure you know he doesn’t have those kind of feelings for you. Men are very simple creatures…”what you see, is what you get” and all you have with this one is a friendship.
If this guy is keeping you from meeting, dating and finding a man who is romantically interested in you, then I would put some distance between the two until you’ve found someone to replace his position in your heart. Like they say “the pathway to love is very narrow.” Right now he blocking it, unknowingly of course, because of your unrequited love for him.
The question you need to ask yourself is if this “friendship” is more important to you than being in a relationship with a man who will love you the way you love him?
Maddie
Yes, you should just stay friends. Here’s why.
To summarize what you said, he was in love with your cousin and pined away but couldn’t ever let her know and only opened up to you about having feelings because he was drunk, then never actually dated her and denied having feelings once he found out she wasn’t interested. Then he dated someone for 8 months who he wasn’t that into. He hasn’t dated anyone else for any real amount of time in 3 years, and asks to be set up but never follows through.
This doesn’t sound like someone looking for a serious relationship with anybody at all!
I think you should steer clear of going there with him and try to see him as just a friend, and keep yourself emotionally open and available to meeting new men. I’m assuming you’re both young, but even if he did have strong enough feelings for you, I don’t think he’d be able to handle showing up properly for a real relationship. Since he knows you were once interested, if he ever wanted to date you and was mature enough to be ready, he’d definitely let you know. He wouldn’t hint about it. The fact he hasn’t said anything directly means it’s not going anywhere right now (again, even if he was developing feelings, if he can’t say it and follow up in actions without being confusing, he’s not going to be able to be a mature enough serious boyfriend), so don’t lead yourself on into wasting your own time.
He makes a good friend. Find another man who wants to be a good boyfriend.
Tina
He did go out with my cousin, they went on one date but that was it. He’s told me he’s looking for a relationship and that he misses being in one.
We actually hungout again, last week Wednesday (November 10). This time he invited me to play tennis with him and his friends (again not alone). We did have dinner together, he just ordered what I ordered and shared meals again. I was suppose to hangout with him and a friend on Saturday (November 13) but it didn’t push through because I was too tired. I did story a photo of me (in my close friends and took out everyone there but him), it was a somewhat sexy photo but not revealing what’s so ever. He replied to my story, he asked, “who is this for?”. I then responded with why does it have to be for someone. He replied with just assuming and I said right after, what if it’s for you? Followed by a just joking. He then replied saying he should’ve just fire emojied it. We’ve also been communicating in telegram, I told him that I like video messages and he started sending me video messages.
I am seeing him again on Thursday and will send updates on what happens. Should I be a bit more touchy with him though to let him know that I’m interested? I think throughout the years, he got the impression that I’m not and especially when the friends asked I told them that we’re better off as friends.
Ewa
you only hang out with other people that’s not dating , that’s just being friends . I think you are looking for signs that he likes you more than a friend but men are never scared to ruin the friendship if they want someone.
If you really want then show him you are romantically invested in him but I don’t think he will do the same for youLane
He is essentially SCREAMING to you he doesn’t like you that way, yet you want to keep chasing him? Go ahead and do it because learning lessons from these kind of mistakes is oftentimes the best teacher while navigating life. I hope you eventually learn the life skill of “accepting rejection” because you are going to need it.
Tina
Oh alright, I ended up just messaging him about it and he said that he finds my qualities attractive. We ended up having a conversation about it and he understood why I got confused. We’re still just friends now ✌🏻.
tammy
i think its so obvious that he just wants to be friends. but you want more. and so you keep looking for clues and over analyse things conversations replies, hunting for crumbs which could perhaps mean that hes interested. so far he has not given any indication whatsoever that’s hes interested. please stop chasing him and looking for clues when there are none.
I have had very very good friends atleast 3 i can immediately think of in my life with whom i used to have so much fun. but they got interested and told me they would like to be more than friends. i told them i like hanging out with them as friends but i cant think of them romantically. And ofcourse I adore them and think they are attractive but I just don’t like them that way. 2 of my friends accepted my answer gracefully but the 3rd couldnt. so he told me that he cant think of me any more as just a platonic friend. and hence he wants to step back from our friendship. I understood and from that day onwards we just catch up occasionally vide chats.
You need to accept that he doesn’t think of you quite that way and move on.
Tina
oh I’m no longer looking for clues, I was just stating that we were mature about it and I had the courage to talk to him about my feelings. I’m still happy if we just stay friends lol.
tammy
“I am seeing him again on Thursday and will send updates on what happens. Should I be a bit more touchy with him though to let him know that I’m interested? ”
i posted with reference to the above. you cant just turn on and off at a whim. unless what you feel is just a superficial casual attraction. you may like to think you can be just friends. but your posts show that your quite into this guy. i think you need to stay away from him for some time. till you can fully appreciate and accept the fact that he will always just remain a friend only.
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