Sick of it

OUCH. This is your issue and not his, actually. He’s been crystal clear about where he is in his life and where you stand in it. You continue going along with it even though it’s not what you want. Why????

This whole scenario reminds me of an old song my mom plays sometimes: “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.”

You ask him to show his commitment and his response is “I’ll try.” There’s the song. And you know what Yoda says: “there is no try, you either do or you do not.”

So why are you not reading the writing on the wall here? You’re a part time GF at his convenience. You are not getting what you want. You have zero leverage. Yet you still are not willing to walk away? Again, WHY?

This is the type of situation where you hang around for another two years taking his word for his willingness to commit fully at that time, and then as the two years gets close to being up, he breaks up with you using some lame excuse. You’ve lost all that time and he moves on with lightning speed to someone else who he marries, fast.

You’ve posted about this before, yes. So are you just venting because your mom hung up on you and no one else wants to hear this? Or are you ready to hear the tough truth and take some action this time?

I think you’ve got a year and a half into this and you are suffering from “sunk cost” – you can’t let go because you’ve got so much time into it already. My two cents: stop throwing good time after bad and get out of this. Tell him you understand he’s putting his kids first and you respect that. And you’ve decided it’s time for you to find someone who is ready willing and able NOW to put you first. Tell him he is welcome to call you in two years if he wants to be with you and take the actions to prove it and if you’re available then you’ll consider what he’s offering. In the meantime, it’s time to break it up and cut him off and don’t look back. It’s going to hurt. But how many more of these posts do you want to make? I can feel your anger, resentment and frustration.

And I’m in my mid 40s

I meant, what makes it so hard hard for you to STOP taking his crumbs

It almost seems like he’s being a jerk to force you to dump him. Because any self respecting woman would.

“Tell him he is welcome to call you in two years if he wants to be with you and take the actions to prove it and if you’re available then you’ll consider what he’s offering. In the meantime, it’s time to break it up and cut him off and don’t look back.”

I was going to say the same thing as AngieBaby. This is the way. It opens you up to meet someone else who treats you better, you don’t need to feel guilty or that you’re missing out because if he’s ever ready for more he will come back and if he’s not, you’ve stopped wasting time on him already.

I hope you’re discussing with your therapist why you don’t feel you deserve more and you’re too scared to go find it. That’s far more important to figure out than trying to analyze this guy. If you don’t start prioritizing and focusing on yourself, you’ll stay stuck and upset in the same thing you’ve been doing over and over and over for the last year and a half. That’s why people don’t want to have the same conversation with you again, they don’t want to see you hurting and abandoning yourself by always making excuses for him when they know he’s never going to change. Why would he when he’s already getting everything he wants? If you really want something to change, it needs to be on your side.

I remember your old post.

This man doesn’t want you. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t care. His sons are just excuses. He keeps choosing EVERYONE ELSE over you. And you’re holding on for the wrong reasons. You’re afraid you’re not going to find someone else and I understand you’re not exactly feeling like the youngest and you’re divorced, but honestly you’re better off alone than this!!

Everyone has told you about this situation, your family and even strangers from the internet. Your Mom can’t deal with it no more. Your therapist is the only one who’s going to listen because it’s their job. And they should be honest with you and tell you this is not healthy for you. You have nothing to lose honestly. You don’t have anything keeping you with him. You don’t see him, you don’t have intimacy or quality time. You don’t have his respect. And he’s not offering you anything but empty dreams.

End things right now just by telling him you don’t think he can be in the NOW with you and you’ll be moving on. Don’t offer anything for the future. He doesn’t even deserve to think he still got a shot later on when he’s lonely.

OK, tough love time.

Ella: read your last post a few times. You sound and behave like a victim.
You are talking and acting like some mysterious unseen force is doing this to you and you have no control over it. This is 100% you and only you choosing to remain in a situation that is actively causing you harm and refusing to take any responsibility for it.

It’s not this man’s job to heal you or provide a space where you can heal. It sounds to me like you can’t stand to be on your own. This is nothing about him and all about YOU. You’re looking for someone else to validate you and be there for you when you need to validate yourself and be there for yourself. You’re clinging to this man like a lift raft and no one wants to be around someone like that.

Any therapist should be telling you this and I’m pretty sure they are and you don’t want to hear it or act on it so you’re coming here to plead your case because no one else including your therapist wants to hear it any more, with very good reason. It’s sad and painful to see someone with such low self esteem that she won’t value herself and will take the pathetic crumbs this guy throws.

I’d bet money he’s doing what he does to get rid of you rather than break up honestly, which sucks on his part.

I think you’re going to stay with him and fruitlessly beg for a place in his life. I don’t see anything that indicates you’re ready to change. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. I believe you think you won’t find anyone else and you are desperate to be with a man. Obviously the divorce you went through wasn’t your idea and you didn’t want it.

Until you decide to stand up for yourself and walk away from this guy and do your healing work properly – on your own, without making a man responsible for you – this will continue. I’ve said all I can say and I don’t think you’re listening to anything anyone on the site says. I hope you will wake up and take responsibility for yourself and your choices.

Want to chime in that I totally agree with the other posters, and him not wanting a real partner right now and choosing you for that doesn’t mean anything is wrong with YOU. It simply means that you’re the one who has been willing to put up with it, and a lot of people won’t. That’s nothing to feel ashamed about because shame doesn’t help and just makes things worse, but it is something to dig into (why are you accepting it??) and then change it by respecting yourself and your own needs better, no matter what anyone else is doing. Your therapist can help you with that. You deserve better than to be in a situation that makes you miserable!

*teens

You have been patient & understanding for how long now & where has this gotten you? Which BTW is terrible advice…

Look into defining your boundaries and your needs in a relationship. How is he meeting any of these? When you realize he is not, you tell him- this is not working out for me because this is my life to live- not live in the shadows of his life and the minimal effort he is giving. Walk away- you will meet someone that treats you well and you will be shocked that you stayed with this guy so long.

Your comments are what was happening in the relationship- look at what’s happening now and not how it used to be or promises of what it may be in the future.

I am sorry because this is tough.

*needing