Sick of it

I think I understand what you are doing here. You are waiting for the future he promised you so you are sticking around.You feel if you wait, he will be ready because he said so.

you used the word stuck because you are. You are waiting for him to give you a life. I’m guessing there is trauma at play here and you are acting out an old pattern.

When you wrote that he went out by himself and you were waiting for him to come home in what sounds like HOPE that he would give you what you needed, VALIDATION that you were good. I think you were taught to bow down. To wait, be quiet and good.

You really needed to just go home that night and live your own life not wait for him to make a life for you. I would have gone to the movies on my own or gone home and read a book and when he asked the next day where you went i would have just said I decided to go out and it was easier to go home to my place.

Take charge of yourself stop waiting for someone else to make a life for you. Feel your own power.

Well we spent the week together and he promised he would be more communicative and keep communicating with me, that he doesn’t want to break up and he does see me in the future. I do have anxious attachment and fear of abandonment and I’m working on that. (Finding my self-worth/identity) in therapy. When we first started dating, I had just gotten out of a divorce and I had dated this man 20 years prior so I felt like he was safe because I knew him and we had history.
I know I have to drop the kids thing. It’s just got to happen on his terms 100%. I don’t have say in that part of his life and never will. They are his main priority. After thinking about it through that mindset, I’m a little clearer—like ok, if we continue with will always be on those terms.
I think I need to assert my own life. On our weeks off, I need to stay busier. I need to text less and stop looking for validation or reassurance if there is any hope that this situation is to continue.
I am looking for actions now. Obviously, words are important too—but if it is so black and white and separate I need to assess how I am being treated when we are together. I’m not an idiot but I need to really get my head out of the future cloud and start seeing the day to day.
I think that’s the only way to understand what’s going on. And my therapist and I are going to continue to work on that, and work on me and how I didn’t set boundaries from the start and that’s where the breakdowns started happening several months in. If I was clearer and stronger and had less of a fear of abandonment I would have been former and more authentic to myself and him from the start. But this is today and where we are now.

Well, it is great that you have communicated things to him. At least now it is very clear about what you want and expect in the relationship so if later on he’s not living up to his word you know what to do next.

Only you who has the final say on what you need and want.

I truly hope things turn around and work out for you. I hope you can also work on yourself as you intended. All the very best.

Communication and knowing what you want is a great step! Just don’t find ways to place more of the blame on yourself than you deserve just so you can find ways to keep twisting yourself in a pretzel that allow you to tolerate staying around in a situation that doesn’t truly work for you. Objectively, anxious attachment will mean some of these issues are definitely on your side, but they aren’t ALL on your side. So don’t let him off the hook either by taking on a disproportionate amount of the “blame” when you’re introspecting on which aspects don’t meet your needs and which make you unhappy. Try to stay objective when assessing that by checking in with your therapist to make sure you’re staying on your new progress plan focusing on yourself and not enabling it if he’s still behaving disrespectfully towards you. He can say he wants you around, great, more nice words… but as you said, his actions now need to line up with whatever he says for any of it to have any weight.

Agree you have to be in the present- but do not compromise on what you want for what he says will happen in the future. You will feel frustrated and resent him- make sure you are living your life

You asked for communication, you got communication. If you need communication and affection, than that needs to be clear. But that said, you don’t understand men very well. They are singularly focused on one thing at a time.

Honestly, he is who he is. He is not going to be someone different. Take it or leave it. I think 3 contacts on a day he is not seeing you when you know when you will see him again is plenty. But that’s me. Also, I would not be ok with not knowing the kids at a year and a half. He seems to keep everything very separate and I would want a full partner. That is not being a parent to the kids, but being in their life as being part of his.

What are you getting out of this? I’m not sure why you’re staying. You’re not happy with his style of communication (I wouldn’t be either). He’s “dry” and not affectionate and it makes you resentful.

Honestly I would not be OK with keeping me separate from his kids after a year and a half. It shows that he doesn’t intend to fully integrate you into his life. You think that when his kids turn 18, he’ll suddenly change? Or that when his kids are over 18, he won’t still be an active parent in their lives? How can you plan to live with this guy someday (as he keeps promising) but not have a relationship with his kids? I don’t understand why you accept that. You can choose to drop it if you want, but I wouldn’t because it’s very indicative of his mindset. He does not intend to fully incorporate you into his life.

This guy is who he is, as Tallspicy said. He’s giving you as much as he wants to give. If it makes you upset and resentful, why do you tolerate it? You won’t change him.

One last thing I’m going to mention in this situation is that guys do not respond to words- they respond to actions for the most part. Living your life and doing what you want to do rather than living on the outskirts of this man’s wife is what you should focus on. Unless you want to not be a priority and receive breadcrumbs from him which is what he is doing unfortunately.