Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Signs He's Not In Love. You're Just Convenient
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Same boat.
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Phillygirl
It doesn’t have to be all of these signs, a majority is just as telling:
1. He never opens up emotionally. If you imagine that he’s not opening up, then that’s probably the case. When you’re not interested in someone, you don’t usually bother expressing yourself, mainly because you haven’t emotionally invested yourself in them. He’s not interested in your opinion.
2. He only seems close when he wants sex. There are those moments when you really think that he’s the one. But the more you think about it, you realize that he’s only like that right before the two of you have sex. He has goals in this relationship, and they all seem to revolve around getting laid
3. You realize that he’s never not dated someone. If you’ve both opened up about your previous relationships, you may have noticed a pattern. You try to figure out when he’s ever actually had “me” time, and you realize that that’s never been the case since probably before puberty hit. He just likes the attention. It’s not you, specifically, that he needs
4. He’s a total opponent of PDA. If he’s not willing to show affection in public, then there is something wrong. Sure, making out in front of people is a little weird, but he can’t even handle holding hands or pecks on the lips, it may beg you to wonder why he’s like that.
5. He keeps in touch with his exes. This is a red flag. If he’s over his exes, then why the hell does he maintain conversations? Obviously, he’s not completely devoted to you, because if he was, he’d never disrespect you by keeping his old flames on the back burner
6. You sometimes feel like a stranger around him. There’s nothing worse than being in a relationship where you feel a knot in the pit of your stomach. Something is off. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but when the two of you are together, you seem like strangers. This happens occasionally, and it’s not telling of something positive, that’s for sure.
7. He only knows you on a surface level. You like to think you know each other really well, but truth be told, you don’t. If you were to quiz him on the kind of information most couples know about each other, he’d fail. He knows you, but he doesn’t know the real you — the you that exists beneath the surface
8. He always walks away from an argument. Couples argue, and that’s OK. But with him, arguments are more of a nuisance than anything else. Whenever they happen, it’s like he can’t be bothered. If you’re going to start something, he’s going to start walking away
9. He never seems to care about where the relationship is going. When you try to talk about the future, he’s far from invested. It’s like he doesn’t even care. He seems perfectly comfortable keeping his attention on the present, and you can almost get a sense of hesitation if you bring up anything about the future.
10. He never seems concerned about you. Couples are there for each other. This isn’t even a requirement; it’s just what comes naturally. When you care about someone, you show concern. But he doesn’t. He seems to never have his emotional focus directed at you at all, actually
11. He spends more time with friends than with you. Friend time is totally healthy in a relationship. A bit of distance can do wonders. But the two of you are hardly ever hanging out, and that’s because he’s always off with friends. If he doesn’t want you, that’s fine. You can break up. But he never makes any mention of that
12. He never seems invested in the moment. When people don’t care about what they’re doing with someone, they most likely don’t care about that particular someone. This is the case with you. He doesn’t seem invested because his mind is on other things; things that have his attention far more than you do
13. You’ve never met his family. If he were excited about being with you, he’d be excited about showing you off. But if that isn’t happening, then it’s a justified reason to wonder. You and his family don’t need to meet, in his eyes, because it doesn’t serve any genuine purpose
14. You’ve just got an overall bad feeling. Sometimes, especially when you can’t put your finger on something, it’s best to just go with your gut. If something feels wrong, it may actually be wrong. If he seems like he doesn’t care, then he may not actually care
Mi
Good post!
redcurleysue
A real eye opener. Thank you for this.
Amelia
Mature single mother. Been in relationship with married man. Knew the outcome from the start, but like a fool thought I was strong enough to be the glamorous other woman. Love him deeply. Gives and takes all the time. Spoils me materially, then makes a comment on how deprived I am. Tells me all the time about his money, travels, his well connected family and his lovely, brilliant spouse. Discusses her sexual abilities. Brings up topics – soon as we discuss them, he turns and twists things so that I end up getting worked up and he enjoys it. Then he again takes me out and behaves around me like I mean the world to him. Flirts openly with other women. Has a thing with the wife of a friend. Yet he is good and kind. In short, he seems to have a warped character. I have been seriously ill for 5 days and he has made no contact. Unfortunately we are co-workers. Financially I am struggling. I have gone from a strong woman to an emotional wreck. Cry all the time. Hope. Try to be positive. I know what to do, but to get the courage to do it! How do I walk away quietly without even telling him? How do I heal a broken heart? I do I gain my self respect. Am trying though to find another job as far away as possible. Please advise.
Ash
Mostly wonderful post, but I have a little concern about #5
“He keeps in touch with his exes. This is a red flag. If he’s over his exes, then why the hell does he maintain conversations? Obviously, he’s not completely devoted to you, because if he was, he’d never disrespect you by keeping his old flames on the back burner”
This one definitely should not be taken on it’s own. A man who burns all his bridges with all his exes is just as frightening as a man who keeps in regular contact with them.
I think ideally, the least “fishy” guys are the ones who are on good terms with their exes, but only see or talk to them maybe once in a blue moon (birthdays for example).
Maria
I was thinking the same thing as Ash, about number 5. Definitely not a good sign if a man is not in touch with any of his exes at all. When you connect with someone, you connect on a human level, after all dust settles the human connection usually remains. In the States it is not very common to stay friends with your exes, but in Europe it is almost the norm.
And even in the States I know plenty of cases where people stay in touch and become very close friends with their exes. And then with their exes’ spouses, eventually. Sometimes they become like an extended family.
In terms of being or not being in love, I think being in love becomes very obvious. And it is not common. People say “I love you” when they feel comfortable enough but not when they really feel it. People marry without being in love. When all other things work out, love is a luxury. And you can fall in love and love the wrong person.
But overall, a good summary, indeed.
Phillygirl
I agree with the thoughts on item #5, and I should have clarified or disclaimed that better. It is a sign of maturity to be able to on friendly terms with those exes who were good people, so long as its done with proper boundaries. As in, you (or they) are not flirting, hoping to rekindle anything, and the person and their behaviors are not disrespectful (or a higher priority) than the person you are in a relationship with. And the contact should not be excessive and a drain on your current relationship.
I am friendly with many of my exes, but I would never say or do anything disrepectful to their current relationship/spouse/significant other, nor would I tolerate that in return.
The people who treated you poorly and without respect however just need to be cut off.
This is more specific to BF’s (or GF’s) who continue to have inappropriate interactions, conversations,or behaviors with exes while in another relationship.
I tried to keep it simple, but more explanation was needed.
Same boat
Amelia – I’m where you are… Married man, saw each other a few times, were intimate a few other times. We haven’t seen one another alone in over 3 months because his wife keeps him in “prison”, and he and his best friend/best friends wife, are friends with he and his wife. All was fine until my life started to get dramatic, and some kind of financial crisis hit his life. We don’t work together, but see each other at work. We’ve been texting via a private app, they got fewer and further between, it felt like I was talking to myself. So, I just stopped. Thanked him for being such a good friend and left on a planned vacation, which he knew about. Didn’t text him for over a week, he sent one saying he hoped I was enjoying my vacation, I replied 3 days later that I was dealing with family issues, but managed to find time to go to dinner/dancing with a friend (actually an boyfriend from 25 yrs ago who got back in touch) as well as some enjoyable day trips. He said he missed me, asked when I got back, said he woke up thinking about me at 230 am. My reply was brief, told him I thought about him too, no reply to that one since 3 days ago.
I’ll either matter to him or I won’t, but in my gut know the answer even though he professed his love, etc. I won’t be a band-aid for his bad relationship, and you shouldn’t be for the guy you were with, either. You are the prize, take good care of yourself, your kid(s), and move on as best you can. A new job would be a good idea, who knows, it might be even better than the one you have now! YouTube has some great videos,Steve Harvey, Iyanla VanZant and Abraham Hicks are good ones in addition to this site. I’ll send you good energy and pray that you get better and better each day. Enjoy long walks, with music and/or a good friend, and take good care of you, because you _do_ matter, to a lot more people than you know :)
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