Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Slept with my boss
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Diane.
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Hannah
I’m 28 and have been with my company for about a year. I really fancied my boss who’s early 40s. A few of us went out one night and got drunk, it ended up just the two of us, he came onto me. We started to have sex but then he said I was the first person he had slept with since his ex wife in 20 years. I freaked out and left and now he acts fine with me at work but he will not talk about that night no matter what. Have I blown it completely or does he just regret it that much????
Lane
How long ago did this night happen? It think the fact he hasn’t brought it up is a good sign that he probably crossed boundaries he knows he shouldn’t have. As long as he’s not making an issue out of it, neither should you. I however would document all the details of the event should he starts acting differently as a legal precaution.
Diane
My story on sleeping with boss – I was a finance manager at a large semi conductor company.. He was the CFO, at 38…
We ended up sleeping together…. For 2 years…. Wife found out… He laid me off in one of companywide reduction of force..
After I left, company discovered some of the emails when IT reworked my laptop…. Company asked me to testify in front the Board….He wired $150,000 into my son’s bank account…I never testified …
Today, 2 years later, he still asks me out for lunch every 2 to 3 weeks… No romance, just like friends …..
So…….
LAgirl
I agree with Lane that he realized he crossed the line and backed off. It likely was the alcohol and he wasn’t thinking straight. People do things intoxicated that they would never consider doing sober.
This man is trying to simply drop what happened and forget it. You should too.
As the poster above relays, most work places frown on this and you or both of you could lose your jobs over what? Having sex?Sweetie, find a man outside of work. So much less complicated and drama.
Hannah
The problem is though I like him so much, it’s more like infatuation though. I just want to know why it happened and talk about it. I’m becoming slightly obsessed but I think it’s cause I feel so used??!
Talllady
This man is your boss. Read that again. He is your boss. If he wanted more and was willing to act on it, he would act on it. He is not. You are entitled to feel whatever, but I would push……How were you used? Were you dating? Had you talked about being together? Had you talked about being exclusive before having sex?
I am sorry to be harsh here, but your inability to not have a one night stand before understanding where you were is not being used.
Besides the poor judgement of being with someone you work with. The people I know who met at work took it really really slow…
And Diane, that is a terrible story of extortion.
Talllady
You could have just said no.
Diane
Not sure where the extortion came from… He first wrote me a manual check for $150k which I never cashed (still sitting in my drawer today)… After he realized I was not going to cash the check, he wired the money in….
Had I decide to get a lawyer, I would end up with 3x, but he would be destroyed…
I figured he realized how much I had helped him, that is why he continues to take me out today…
That amount is roughly 3 quarters of my salary….I guess he figured I need 9 months for find a new job….
LAgirl
It sounds like extortion because how do you know he layer you off intentionally? This is the problem with affairs at work. Getting preferential treatment.
Also, I highly doubt his work team found emails. I work in business and they don’t do that … Unless they were actually asked to look for something specific.
Sounds fishy… But hey.. Still a tale. Did you tell the op this so that she too could take advantage of such a tactic?
Diane
It sounds fishy to you because it is not everyday occurrence…
In terms of how his team found out? His team did not find out…. Company hired a IT consultant for just one weekend.. But access request got routed to him automatically as CFO, that is how he figured company found out.
Too much other details too, all meaningless now…..
I guess if he felt there was extortion, he won’t try so hard to be friends today
Sassperilla
Been there, done that. Almost identical story. You just have to chalk this one down to experience I think – close the book and move on. I look back on it now and can (almost) laugh but for a good while after it actually happened I was cringing inside on a daily basis.
Diane
By the time he laid me off, I had broken off with him for 6 months already… So I don’t need to extort …. I could get a lawyer easily….
Diane
Ugh…. Thanks for not think extortion..
For those of us who experienced it, it all started with mutual feelings… Then one party wants to move on, one party can’t let go…. Sometimes one party chooses to profit from it and that is how you got the Mark Hurd story…. Sometimes one party chooses to swallow and move on instead…..
It might look like extortion to other people, but I think he looks at it as his way to make up, and I look at it as him trying not to burn the bridge so that we can reconnect one day…. Which is what he is doing now…. But my feelings has completely gone for good…..
talllady
Honestly, a married boss story that then needs to be covered up then ends up in a firing with a cash pay off, I certainly hope that you make better decisions now.
He sounds like a piece of work, and agreeing to a long term affair makes the same seem of you. Sorry to be judgy, but just date available men. And you still talk to him… charming….. Sure the wife loves that.
talllady
BTW, If someone has a real open relationship, I have no judgments on that. Some people do polygamy well, but when you willfully enter in a relationship that is harming someone else for multiple years, well, then I let my less graceful side take over….
Diane
I am really not that interested in talking about these anymore… These days, I really just tend to laugh at it…so maybe my last post on this..
So, I was with my married boss for less than 3 months when I broke off with him… Over the next 18 months, he kept coming back, sometimes begging, sometimes threatening…..until the wife found out, and decided to do absolutely nothing…he fired me out of fear that she might be telling her gf and someone might come to the company….
So, yes, you are being judgmental…I was a willing participant at beginning, but got dragged along later….
And yes, I stopped feeling sorry for the wife when she decided to do nothing… She chose to stay for the life style she got used to, she did not stay for him….
I did a huge favor for him, and her, by not suing him… And in case you don’t know, section 16 officers are subject to “claw back” if found with misconduct.
I am still doing him a favor today by not calling her to let her know her man is still calling me every other week.
Lane
Diane, I am not judging you. The both of you were adults, made a poor personal decision and worked it out in a professional manner instead of ruining a man’s entire career for having sex off the clock.
I’m sure you both learned a lesson and hopefully the OP won’t make the same mistake because it will more than likely result in the firing of both parties if upper management gets wind of it, not a monetary pay out.
LAgirl
Diane
I am with Tall lady on this one… the bad side of me comes out when women knowing cheat and hurt other women.Apparently you still have no consideration for her. Many women DO actually stay with a husband who cheats and it is not always just a finacial decision.
Karma is a bitch… so while you sound rather hauty about your position and apparently feel much above her – I’m sure you too will experience this back yourself sometime in the future.
I have lived both sides and believe me, I would never do this to another woman. You don’t know her or what goes on in that marriage. I am sure when the man you finally do settle with cheats on you and HIS mistress finds you pathetic… you might at least have some remorse for imposing yourself in another person’s relationship.
Who cares if he keeps coming back to you…. you have a choice to simply move on. That is, unless you too want him on the side as an ego boost or alternative source of future funding.
It really bothers me that women do this to other women, and then complain when THEIR man cheats.
Who do we think men are cheating WITH?
Off my soapbox… cheating is so selfish…
Hannah
Well that esculated quickly. When I chose the word used I should have chosen the word stupid instead. I’m just a very open person who can easily tell the difference between a one night stand and something more. I just felt really pathetic that he wouldn’t talk to me about it after. I mean there’s like ten people where I work and we spend a lot o time together. It just would have been nice to have joked about it and chalked it up to to much alcohol rather then just feeling embarrassed all the time.
Also I understand he is my boss and it was never going to end well but my fiancé had just left me and walked out leaving me with my one year old daughter to raise alone while working 50 hour weeks with no home to come back to, I think I just wanted to feel wanted. Not a pity party just wanted people to know I’m not completely stupid for gettin into this situation, just a bit lost.talllady
Diane, if he is still calling you, it is because you let him. No man will keep doing that if you block him or tell him to go away. And you have no idea what is really going on with them, you have his story only. But, you are entitled to do as you see fit for yourself. Yes, you could have sued him, but sounds like you were a willing participant and got paid handsomely for it.
Hannah – men don’t like to talk about things they find shameful or really don’t care about. While I appreciate your predicament, it was sadly just a drunken night that he would like to forget. Do not take that as he would like to forget you, just that night and action. He is not married, so you were not doing anything wrong per se, but his willingness to chat is not the same as yours. Men like to not discuss things until they go away. Women like to discuss things until they go away. Big difference.
You are making yourself feel embarrassed and to that, I say…. SNAP OUT OF IT. He is acting normal, so should you. You did nothing wrong but a drunken mistake. Hardly anything to beat yourself up over. Maybe a twinge, but no more. It happens all the time!
I am so sorry about your fiance, it sounds horrible. You were not stupid to get into it, but creating more meaning than is there is simply self torture – most likely linked to the hurt of the ex….
Diane
Boy, we have no shortage of opinions here, I guess…Lol….
You surely can use any words you pick… The way I look at it – yes, i slept with someone’s husband willingly for 3 months… When I tried to break off, I could not…. Lots of begging, lots of threatening with my job too… When I finally broke off for good, I was laid off 6 months later….was his decision based on fear or revenge, or some combination, I don’t know….
If it wasn’t for the claw back clause, I just might sue him…. But, I did not have the heart to wipe someone completely out for wanting to sleep with me…even thought he did not hesitate to wipe me out…..
To that end, I think the wife owe me an apology and some thanks….
Had I sue, she probably won’t be living in the mansion she is living in now….
We were in no contact for a year after my layoff,and he starts to slowly trying to get back again…
These days, he is not a love interest, he is not even a friend , he is just someone that I used to know..he knows that I have moved on….
I used to resent him so much that I can almost throw up looking at him, but after dating all these single guys that think they have 6 million women to choose from, he is no worse ….Lol…
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