slept with my ex after 8 months bo contact

I’ve written on a lot of forums about my heartbreak after my ex ended things over a year ago, I wrote a lot about struggling for months with it and finally got over it at Christmas. So been broken up for a year and 4 months. I was absolutely heartbroken,n we were each others first relationship and he was my first everything.

I had been talking to someone new for the past 5 months and we went on a few dates but he ended things as we’re going back to uni. I was upset but understand and we have said no hard feeling or anything. This only ended a week ago i had been feeling rubbish about it all week

Coming off feeling upset about that, my friends ended up out with my ex’s friends (all one group) and we went back to his to have a little party there. I did not expect anything to happen at all, as far as I was aware he ended things and basically didn’t think of me again. We’d chatted a few times on nights out, but I always tried to keep it short because being around him would be too much for me. He has NEVER before instigated anything since the breakup which is why I was so surprised.

Anyway, I was sick a few times and my ex came in. He apologised to me loads about what had happened (which he has done drunk before) but I just told him to stop, and then also kissed me, which was very surprising and I didn’t see it coming. I was very drunk so went to sleep after this as he took me to his room to let me lie down. I woke up still quite drunk an hour later and he came up and we ended up having sex all night. He was telling me all sorts saying how sorry he was, telling me insecurities, complimenting me, and said he had “missed this”. And I know none of it’s true.

We hadn’t seen each other since Christmas when he brought a girl on a date to where I work. The last message I had to him was me asking him not to bring dates to my work and him blocking me. He then unblocked me and for the past 7 months hes gone onto my Instagram and viewed my stories despite not following each other. I questioned him about this (he brought up that we don’t follow each other) and he said “i just like to check up on you, see what you’re up to”.

I feel like I have 1)betrayed myself, 2) completely acted with no self respect, 3) made an idiot of myself. I say if I hadn’t been that drunk i wouldn’t have let it happen, but I think deep down I know I would have. It gave me some sick kind of validation. And waking up not knowing if it meant anything and he probably thought I was convenient for sex that night, it makes me feel a bit empty inside and stupid.

Part of me wants to speak to him, the other part doesn’t and I don’t know how I feel now. I feel quite used. I enjoyed the sex and hadn’t had sex for while so that wasn’t the problem, I just wish it hadn’t happened with him to avoid how I feel now. I’m so confused by myself. I think I regret it because it probably didn’t mean anything to him. I have had meaningless sex and felt fine after, I just don’t think its something to do with the ex.