Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Slow Fade Triggering Feelings of Anxiety, How to Move Forward?
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Shoshannah.
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Alina
Matched with a guy back in the beginning of February, but due to scheduling (both traveling, and both had a bout of sickness) we were only able to have 2 dates. Good conversation between the dates, super fun, unique dates. And then he seemed to lose interest. He reached out again right before all this stuff with Coronavirus happened. But then I hadn’t heard from him again after he told me how it was closing down his work and asked if he was ok. He got back to me pretty quickly, apologized for the lack of response, explained that it’s been hectic and asked how I was doing. I responded and I haven’t heard from him since Sunday. I’m getting the sense that he’s doing a slow fade, I’m not naive. So fine, whatever, moving on time. But this is an all too familiar circumstance, and I’m struggling with my feelings regarding dating and would love some advice.
I’ve been in this position before many times (ghosted, sudden loss of interest, slow fade, etc). I’ve been single for 3 years, and even the relationships I had before weren’t that great (some better than others, some more serious than others, but no one with whom I would really want to make a life). I have many friends who are awesome, beautiful, successful, interesting women in their late 20s, early 30s facing the same struggle. Seeing their experiences, and having had so many negative experiences in dating myself makes it hard for me *not* to feel anxious when I meet someone I really like. And having been single for so long and feeling really ready and in a good place to start a relationship for the right reasons makes it hurt that I haven’t had one.
I have a great life (though a bit stunted at the moment due to quarantine, woohoo!), many friends, great relationships with my family. I’ve had some traumatic experiences in my past, but I’ve done so much work in therapy, with loved ones, with spiritual guides, etc. to work on myself. And I’ve come out of those experiences stronger, more empathetic, more compassionate, just in so many ways a better person. I would make a fantastic partner and I feel a deep longing to find a relationship where I can share all of my love of life, my warmth, my love, my wisdom, my support, my sexuality, etc. etc.
But I feel the lack of good previous dating experiences, history of trauma, and being single for so long has left me feeling more anxious and needy than perhaps I “should” be? We all have needs, most of us want a relationship. So how I am supposed to suppress those needs/desires? And how can I deal with anxiety in dating if I’m doing everything to work on it and lead a great life without dating? I don’t want to come off as needy and desperate just because I’m a human with past hurts and with future desires! Anyway, thank you for reading and thank you, in advance, for any advice.
Alina
I’m just starting to feel really cynical and doubtful that I’ll find a good partner :/
Tallspicy
Please look up anxious attachment. And you should go to a therapist that specializes in trauma and attachment issues. Do you want to be working towards secure attachment. And I would actually argue me maybe you shouldn’t even be dating. You need to have a 0 fs rule of dating. Until you can date without caring and abandoning yourself to things outside of your control, you may want to wait.
Please do yourself a favor, stop contacting men first when they are not your boyfriend, and never again call out a man for not calling you or fading. This is very needy behavior. You should be focused on your own life right now. The reality is no one anywhere can give you any certainty ever and especially not in the current situation.
You need to own your own happiness. Until you can do that you may not wanna date. Sending you hugs and hoping that you’re safe.
Tallspicy
Oh, the 0 fs rule is unless a man is your boyfriend, you are engaging, but not so invested that you care what he does or does not do.
Tallspicy
You are way overinvested in a man you met twice in the middle of a global pandemic. He should be your last thought, and you should not be his first.
Lane
I truly feel for your generation because it is *very different* than the generation I dated in. Back in the early to late 80’s, men, in general, were still being brought up to get married and settle down in their late teens to mid 20’s, not late 20’s to mid 30’s like today. There weren’t as many men *playing the field* because sex wasn’t so easily available because women were still more discerning (leery about the guy’s intentions) nor did we have the internet so they had to meet ladies in person and just spending a little time with them (two to three interactions) usually made us run the other way, not the other way around, where women are now chasing men away lol.
Even with this, you need to know that even we had to kiss a lot of frogs before we found a guy decent enough to settle down with but even with this, it takes a lot of TIME before you can know if you can make it over the long haul as a couple or not. I saw a lot of good friends chose the first POS who gave them attention and those broke apart quickly. Others, such as myself who were far more selective, discerning, and took their sweet time had better success in love than those who didn’t. I still have many relatives and friends in my generation who are still together 30+ years later and that’s the true goal you need to strive for, not filling a void.
You need to take an opposite approach to dating and date like you do when meeting any stranger, male or female. Do you automatically become “best friends” when you meet someone a couple times? Of course not, and dating should be viewed the same way as it takes time to get to know someone well enough to know if you truly do get on well enough or not.
I would take the word “date” or “dating” out of your vocabulary use the words “meet and greet” like you do with any stranger you meet and greet day to day so to help you keep your expectations grounded in reality. Just know most men you meet aren’t going to last long…only the one that goes beyond the six month mark matters! Above all, take your time and try to keep it light and fun instead of hyper-focusing on a specific goal (relationship) instead of the person (man) because their goals may not be in alignment with yours. Its OK if they aren’t, which is why you shouldn’t set yourself for failure out of the gate. Like they say “only fools rush in” and those who rush into something too fast end up getting burned. Slow down, chill, and just allow it to unfold naturally and organically instead of putting so much pressure on yourself or the man.
Newbie
what kind of men are you dating? The dating pool is crowded with smart independent 30-40 y old women so its hard to stand out. From my personal experience i learned that when i was younger i was more into academic men. Later i got attracted to not very educated but streef wise men. That was a good match. Many good men in your pool are already taken when they were end 20, so maybe cast a wider net? And change your preferences now and then. Plus a break from on line dating. Try off line instead with your friends
Alina
Hello Tallspicy, thank you for your advice. I don’t want to be rude, I appreciate the response and the well wishes, but this advice seems to miss the intention of my post and misconstrue the situation. So I just want to clarify some points:
• I don’t think I’m over-invested in this person—as I said, I’m not naive, can tell he’s slow fading, and am moving on. I don’t see that as being over-invested.
• I didn’t call him out, simply checked-in to see if he was ok (literally a 2-word text), which I think is appropriate during this time, no? Especially after he expressed serious concerns over his work. Maybe to some that seems like calling out.
• He was the one who had initiated the conversation with me prior.
• My question wasn’t about this specific person. This scenario was what led me to pose my question, but my question was not about this man.• As I stated in my post, I have done extensive therapy. I know what anxious attachment is, and I have secure attachment in nearly every area of my life and with some romantic potentials, but, sometimes, as I said, when I meet a guy I really like (in general), it can activate some anxiety because of bad past experiences.
• I don’t see how I’m abandoning myself, but would be interested in why you have that perspective.
• Lastly, the traumatic experiences I had were years ago, the last one being 7 years ago, the one prior was 10 years ago. I’m not going to put my dating life on hold indefinitely. I think many people have trauma and issues that they’re working through, and that doesn’t mean that they can’t have a relationship. If only the people who were 100% issue free were allowed to date, about .000000000002% of the population would be dating. I’m not perfect but I am mentally healthy, emotionally stable, and a great potential partner.So, to restate my question again—everyone has needs when it comes to relationships, how can we express these needs, how can we cope when our needs aren’t met, and how can we handle discouragement? I’m living a full life, I’m surrounded by people who love and support me and whom I love and support, but no amount of happiness on my own will fulfill the specific desire to have a relationship—yes my life is fulfilling without a partner, but, for example, if you go out for dinner and you have a fantastic Mediterranean meal but you really had a craving for Thai food, you may be satisfied that night, but you’re still going to want Thai food another time haha. And again, I am not asking about the man I mentioned at all.
Hope you all are staying safe!
T from NY
I want to reassure that it doesn’t matter what your generation you were born in, what age you are dating now —dating is different now. Period. The end. There IS a lot more instances of men not desiring to commit, men losing interest fast due to the “options” they think they have, callous behavior of men flaking and ghosting and overall just bad human behavior. It’s just a fact. Technology has changed the way men and women are mating for one of the only times in modern history.
Two things. Understanding the famous jam study. Researchers were able to replicate an experiment multiple times in many different areas — that individuals presented with the choice of many mouth watering types of homemade jams — people actually bought LESS. Whereas, the group of individuals that were presented with only a few types – bought MORE jam. It’s human nature to think if options are readily, consistently available – you can put off making any choice at all.
Second – and this is the hardest. I read in your post a lot of growth. I can tell you’ve tried to better yourself and be ready for dating. Unfortunately for every single woman who desires to be in a loving,committed partnership — you are at the last challenge to complete. Exactly as Tallspicy described. Getting to the point YOU DONT CARE if you end up alone. I promise you it can be done. And it seems counter intuitive. But it’s a place of acceptance that life is good alone and there is a CHANCE you may never meet anyone you feel is good enough or one you like that commits to you. That’s why you are anxious. Because you haven’t accepted it.
I am not saying you won’t have down moments. Lonely moments or some blips of frustration. But once you truly embrace that all the happiness you seek – you already have – your sad times will be just that. Only moments. And it will not cloud the overall view of your life. Many women are there with you. Wishing you peace in your journey.
Alina
Newbie—I am planning on taking a break from online dating, it’s been pretty frustrating, but I do feel like it’s harder to meet men in person. I’ve dated all different types and change my preferences every few years I’d say, but I’m not willing to settle for a guy who can’t match what I have to offer—which I learned from dating different types. And yes, I agree, it can be hard to stand out when there are so many great women out there. This is what gets me discouraged. Thank you for your response!
Lane—I agree, it seems women chase men away now. Yet, it’s so strange, all of my late 20s/early 30s heterosexual male friends (handsome, interesting, successful) have said to me over and over “women have all the power.” Where? In what world? Let me move there! It seems like dating is just hard across the board these days.
Also, I tend to be very selective as well, which is why in the past 3 years, I’ve only met 2 men that I felt could be potential matches. They ended up not being a good match…but oh well. And to be clear my “selectiveness” is not superficial like hair color, height, and bank account. But rather dependent on if I feel intellectually, physically, and emotionally attracted to the person, and that doesn’t happen often for me.
And it’s so funny you mention the “meet and greet” because I’ve actually said that to guys when they ask for a date! Like– let’s just meet first before calling it a date! And you know, I think that’s actually what went wrong with the guy I mentioned. Even though my intention was just to meet with him and get to know him, I think some false expectations came into play– on both sides. Oh well, not important.
Love the let it unfold approach and no pressure. I’m tired of the pressure, too! Thank you for your words of wisdom!
And T from NY— thank you for your advice as well, and for recognizing my growth <3
I have heard of the jam study— great analogy! It’s so frustrating the way dating has changed. I wish we could change it or opt-out of this paradigm somehow.
And I feel I am working on that acceptance. I acknowledged a long time ago that it is entirely possible that I will not meet someone. But that thought does still make me sad, and anxious as you said. But I do feel that I’ve done enough work on myself and in my life that I love who I am and love the life I live even when I do have these moments of doubt/loneliness/sadness. But I really appreciate the support from all of you in these times!
Tallspicy
You Are definitely way over invested. The fact that you were worried about a guy you met twice shows that you’re over invested. The fact that you checked in with him means that you’re over invested. I do not believe you’re even close to secure attachment if you can’t go on a couple of dates with someone and not be so connected to them and worried about what they’re thinking…. or to reframe, worried about your overall ability to date and meet someone.
This is linked to abandoning yourself. Every time you are spending time worried about him or a generic him you’re focused on someone else and making them responsible for your value. People who have internal sense of value don’t care what other people think about them, especially people they don’t know.
Alina
Ok, I see you what you mean. But the majority of my attachments in my life are secure. As I said, it’s something I have actively worked on, and I’ve never had problems with secure attachment with family, friends, coworkers, etc. A specific event messed up my ability to form secure attachments with romantic partners. Even so, it’s not every romantic partner that elicits that anxious response from me. There are plenty of other men I’ve been out with where it didn’t bother me if they disappeared or ended things or whatever. Anyway, this is “case closed” for me and I won’t be posting further. Stay safe everyone!
Tallspicy
Please look up anxious attachment, you are still missing some major points. Your attraction to someone at this point should be a mini warning they are triggering attraction because of the attachment wound. Said another way – his emotional distance (can be observed subconsciously sometimes) is what is making you attracted to him. I bet you have a history of the men liking you were just not that interesting. And just because you are secure in some relationships, does not mean you are not I securely attached.
You want to be in the middle with most men…. wait and see if they show up, and I kinda like them. If they stay, cool, if they go, ok.
I was like you and am now securely attached. It is a lot of work, but now unless a man is my boyfriend, I really don’t care. And I am thinking of adding my 0 Fs rule even with my boyfriends. Not so I don’t care, but so I love me first every time. Even when I make mistakes.
Alina
Kindly understand that you do not know me. Any impression you have is an incomplete and false perspective. This is not denial, but rather a deep understanding of my own psyche, something to which you are not privy. I appreciate your words and advice and find my own value in them. I wish you all the best, please stay safe.
Shoshannah
I have a slightly different take on that. When you really want something, you will get a bit anxious about getting it, and there is nothing wrong with really wanting a fulfilling relationship. So there will be some anxiety in your pursue of your goal, but that’s natural. But then, when someone is fading, flaky, leading you on, etc., those feelings will get worse – again, naturally. There is something good about this, actually, because we can use those feelings as a radar for finding the right person. If your anxiety is getting too much, a bit unbearable, treat it as a red flag. With the right person, you may, of course, get a bit anxious, but this will be more like excitement. As they say, when a man is into you, you know – and that’s how I interpret this saying, that a man who is into you, or really loves you, just doesn’t give you this nasty feeling. In short, your reactions are natural, there is no other way of moving past them then embracing them. Hold your head up, and keep looking for a man who will appreciate, and meet you in, your readiness for a great relationship.
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