Slow fade vs pulling back temporarily

I think you have the wrong idea. Most (mature) men will not intentionally “test” a woman; that is game playing. He may subconsciously pull back for several reasons, like being busy, work stress, other personal issues, etc, and he will take note if you react poorly and become needy, but don’t be mistaken in thinking that he purposefully is pulling back just to test your reaction.

Is this something you are currently experiencing?

I think pulling back temporarily is something along the lines of going weeks/months without the norm of his communication. Maybe because things were moving too fast, maybe because he wants to test you (petty), maybe he needs some time to see if he is ready for the relationship to proceed. Whatever the reasoning, he still likes you and has every intention on pursuing you.

Slowly fading, in my opinion, would be something like a guy texting you good morning/good night daily, to 3x a week, 2x a week, once, and so on. He might ask you how your day is, that will slowly stop too. He might not initiate as many conversations and let them end sooner than he used to. His overall interest is slowly descending. He may have found someone else, or realized that he doesn’t like you anymore, but isn’t at the point where he wants to sit down with you and break things off completely. The slow fade is so painful, because you can see it coming.

Guys are stupid.

Seems like it can manifest the same way, only with different intentions.

Gemini615, I didn’t really think I was experiencing this/had anything to be worried about when I posted.

Been busy/preoccupied the last week and only noticed something’s up just before I posted this yesterday, since then I’ve counted days/really put some thought into it and now anxiety has set in! I pride myself on being a cool, drama free girl, not needy at all, but I think being that girl just worked against me!!

We’ve known each other for a year, we’ve been dating 4 months. He never goes silent for more than 3 days, he initiates, he’s sweet, romantic, loving, attentive, a gentleman, remembers the little things, treats me like a priority, everyone has been commenting on how in love we seem, everything has been wonderful.

I ended up counting and it’s been 12 days since we’ve really had a meaningful/deep interaction/connection with him being lovey dovey, 7 days since we had a date (I knew he was going to be away this weekend) and 5 days since we’ve spoken (usually no more than 3 days go by). He still likes/comments on my social media, but he hasn’t made any direct contact with me.
Then today I stalk his social media and discover that he had the day off yesterday due to their office building being fumigated (so did I, as is the case every Friday FYI), which I knew nothing about and which would usually mean it’s “us” time. I think this is what triggered the anxiety.

Now I’m thinking was/is this me or him, because 2 weeks ago he told me he’d love it if I’d go visit his family with him (we haven’t met, but they’re aware of me) and that we should maybe consider moving in together. I played it cool, but I was actually freaking out because I was overwhelmed by a mixture of shock and awe. Awe because it feels good that he wants me around/wants to introduce me to his family, but shock because I think it’s too much too soon, the moving in part more so than the family part obviously. When he said it I smiled and said we should discuss it more. He said ‘whenever you’re ready, babe’. I never responded to the innocuous message he sent me later that day, because I just needed time to let all he said sink in. Radio silence from both sides the next 4 days and then the turn of events as described above.

Did he freak himself out, pulling away or did I put him off with my reaction, causing him to back off?
I can’t believe I didn’t start questioning this earlier! I can’t even believe I’m in this position right now!

I have actually read it, I’ve read everything I could find on here and I still can’t tell if he is withdrawing or a slow fade. Things have been amazing the last couple of weeks. I’m baffled.

I finally responded after 4 days, we had a date (the 7 days ago one I mentioned), we were both tired and cut the evening short. Then on Monday he apologized for the short date and said ‘chat soon x’. And now it’s 6 days later, still nothing.
But I am wondering how much of this is my fault, does he think I’m not sufficiently interested because I was the one to (initially) withdraw after he said all that?

I wouldn’t mind one bit if you ladies are correct by identifying me as the ‘fader’ in stead of him, I just don’t want to reach out when I should be giving him space and I was expecting him to contact me because of the ‘we’ll chat soon’, I interpreted it as a ‘I’ll call you in the near future’. I know I sound like I’m trippin, but I’ve never been in this situation.

I would reach out. It sounds like you freaked out a bit from the moving in/meeting the family talk and he felt that and is giving you space. I would bet he thought you would be ecstatic about suggesting this but you were not – so he’s letting you think. I would send him a light sweet text – saying something like ‘Hey stranger, I miss your handsome face. How are you?’ That way he knows you aren’t freaking out anymore and still think he’s great. Guys do need to hear this too, especially since he just suggested moving a step forward in the relationship and you wavered.

I really don’t like that you “played it cool” even though you were freaking out inside. How would you feel if you asked a man to move in and meet your family and his reaction was cool? I know I’d be hurt and pissed off and probably start fading away, too.

It’s important to be authentic in how you behave and express yourself. That doesn’t mean dumping everything on him, but it does mean finding effective ways to express your true feelings. If you are going to have a real, loving partnership with anyone then it’s really important to express your real feelings and not play in a way that is different from how you’re feeling.

I hope this doesn’t sound like a criticism. I know you’re doing your best. I can just imagine how it might be from his perspective. I offered my boyfriend the key to my apartment and he “played it cool” and the result was, I took the key offer completely off the table because I was so hurt that he didn’t seem to care. When I spoke with him about it, he confessed that it mattered to him a lot. By then, it was too late. He still doesn’t have my key and likely won’t until there’s a ring on my finger, now. It’s not just you who is vulnerable in this relationship. If he loves you, he is also in a vulnerable position. If you can’t be authentic with him about your feelings, how can he trust you?

Hugs

Sorry, I just realized I just repeated what I had summarized before, didn’t really respond to the points made, too tired to think straight. Thank you for the responses.

Gemini615, I still wanted to add I understand they don’t necessarily ‘intentionally’ test you, I meant it more like you and Lane said, subconsciously.

m, to get back to your point.
I wasn’t trying to make excuses earlier, I agree with everything you said, it’s just that it was never a conscious decision to react that way, even though my narrative made it sound like it was, wrong choice of words I think?
I also kissed him quite intensely after smiling/saying we should discuss it more. I had hoped that that would have been an indication that I was touched by his words.
My ex (initially) said that if it weren’t for my (warm) actions he would’ve had no idea how I felt, because (cold) words failed me. He also said that I improved 100% later in the relationship, it was because we had grown closer by then and he had earned my trust and love, so I opened up to him fully.
I am not there yet with this man. But I would really love to get there. He makes me sooo happy.

I could relate to some of that (couple bubble, hopefully I read the correct information), but I don’t think we’re quite ‘there’ yet in the relationship, as in we’ve been going slow, I feel like we’re still getting to know each other, definitely not at ILUs and serious commitment yet, that’s why I was shocked by what he said. I also wasn’t sure if it’s the typical ‘guy trying to make you fall in love with him before he decides he actually really wants (to pursue a relationship with) you’ thing men do. I’ve read up on how guys fall in love, so I wondered if my reaction said ‘I don’t have her hooked (yet)’ and then he decided I’m not even worth the effort? I’m a rational thinker, but I’m so confused. And yes, I do realize we should have (had) a discussion on what we are both feeling at this point (the disconnect). I DID actually think that conversation was coming and when he he lead with ‘I’ve been thinking and’…you should meet the family etc. I did interpret it as us essentially being on the same page though, that we wanted to be together and move things forward.

Today is day 7 and I actually feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I’ll be very honest here, I’m going to that crazy lady head space where I’m thinking did he message me and I just didn’t get it, I’ve even started to question whether I might’ve misunderstood what he said. I know it’s not rational and highly unlikely and I swear, I don’t usually get this insecure, but I’m truly at a loss. I’ve never had someone just disappear on me like that without saying a word.
I really really really hoped I would wake up to a message from him. In stead I saw that he was active on social media, didn’t respond to a comment I had made last night, but did respond to someone else’s. I am convinced he won’t ‘ghost’ entirely, he can’t, we work in the same industry where paths cross, a mutual friend introduced us and one of the biggest reasons I’m attracted to him, which he is aware of, is because he is such a stand up guy (he always showed me consideration and respect, even before we ever got together), so I find it unthinkable that he would just exit entirely without even showing me a little courtesy.

I know my life won’t fall apart if this is in fact going south, so it’s not the rejection I fear the most, it’s the humiliation if I do reach out when I shouldn’t. And of course dealing with the hurt and disappointment.
I always try to act with grace, walking away with my hhead held high when a relationship ends in stead of being hysterical and pathetic and I feel like if this is him doing the slow fade to ‘get rid of’ me and I reach out, it will make me look pathetic, like I have no self respect.
I’m also afraid that if he DID in fact withdraw because of my reaction, the damage has been done, because essentially 2 weeks have passed.
I’m also thinking what if I DO reach out, he is receptive, but he offers me no real explanation, I really don’t want him thinking that he can treat me that way and we can just sweep it under the rug, but I also don’t want to be a naggy drama queen and fault him, ESPECIALLY if it was because of my reaction in the first place.
I WILL swallow my pride and bite the bullet if I have to though, because I do care very much and I definitely don’t want this to end just because I’m being stubborn.

Anon,

Honestly, just reach out to him and have that discussion. This is one of those that need that discussion in person. What have you got to lose? If he’s not receptive, then you know one way or the other where his head is at. Usually, I’d say no but this is entirely different.