Slow fade vs pulling back temporarily

Hi Anon,

I think you’d done all you can at this point. 2 revealing things here that you want to consider:

1) How he handles issues like this. Tells me a lot about his character. Honestly, it’s very immature how he’s handling this. If I was in his shoes, I’d be all over having a face to face discussion to clarify and clear any misunderstandings from both sides. That’s how mature grown people handle issues with someone they truly care about. They don’t run to their man cave and sulk and come out when they’re good and ready without being considerate to their partners.

2)Very inconsiderate

Now, are these the kind of traits that you are willing to deal with if and when he does reach out and if you decide to give it a second chance? If I were you, I’d go on with my life at this point and open your options to meeting new men and go out on dates. He does not deserve the patience and pining over that you have given him. He is a coward. His behavior does not match someone who wants to move in and have a really serious relationship. If his ego is hurt by your reaction, still not a good excuse for going NC for 7 days with someone you just asked to consider moving in with you.

Because this is not a casual that one could not take so personally, when he reaches out, I’d totally give it to him and give him a piece of your mind – how he acted so immature without regard about your feelings. I cannot underscore enough how his behavior is such a turn off in my book. It is up to you what you will end up doing when he does reaches out. But I urge you not to apply all that cave man, need space crap in this situation because all that went out the window when he proposed moving in.

I hope you make the right decision and put yourself first above this man’s childishness.

The cursing probably makes me sound livid, I’m not, I’m more taken aback than anything.

Sun, I only saw your post after updating this, which is ironic considering what I just posted.

I just need a minute here.

I’m going to (I haven’t responded to his message yet). And I think maybe it was his way of breaking the ice. Feels like something he’d do, he uses things like humor to defuse tension. I just need to gather my thoughts before I respond or suggest a little ‘chat’.

I agree with Kaye. Collect and calm yourself first. Then, bring it up calmly and address the specific issue. Let him give his side then you give it to him. I’d start with, I’m glad to finally hear from you and have this discussion. I am deeply disappointed by your sudden silence and absence —– go from there. I recommend you have this discussion face to face – be very calm but direct and firm. Trust me, he will respect you more if you are direct and firm. After you’ve listen to all the excuse and crap from him, just calmly state your disappointment, indicate the why and the how, then state your standards and expectations. If he doesn’t give you any indication of understanding and respect, this is not the man for you. Trust me, he will never change and you’re going to be posting here again soon – this is the predictable nature and cycle of having a relationship with very immature men. You deserve better.

*Make no mistake, I’m NOT letting it go. Been a nervous WRECK for 3 DAYS!

Woke up really early this morning, turned on my phone, no message and my first instinct was to adopt the ‘you’re dead to me’ attitude if I didn’t hear from him by tonight. He did log into messenger yesterday just after 5 when my message was delivered, I was again hidden (and felt drained/not up to the little ‘experiment’ I did this morning), he logged off again after 5 minutes or so. In my crazy lady state I did consider that he might’ve logged in to see if I was online. And then this morning he responded RIGHT after I logged in, so maybe I wasn’t just being crazy.

Previous time was shorter and more importantly, I didn’t feel anxious then, really sounded/looked like he just had an off week and he was really, really intensely into me after that. My ex used to withdraw from time to time, 3-5 days of man cave and he’d also be intense after that. Difference was although I didn’t necessarily always appreciate it, I was secure enough in the relationship to never let it get to me, I never had doubts about whether he’d return. And sometimes he’d give me a heads up that he’d just be doing his own thing for a couple of days and that’s fine, I really don’t need constant attention, I’m perfectly fine with contact every 2-3 days and have plenty to keep myself occupied.*

I added asteriks because I can’t seem to post.

Thank you for all the opinions and advice, it’s appreciated.

I think you are thinking way too much about this and making it much harder than it has to be. And that does make you demanding and high maintenance. If you weren’t, then it would be as simple as…this behavior does not make me feel good. What are we going to do about it? Or, you will simply go find a man that treats you the way that you want to be treated. if you truly desire a relationship with a man, then learn how to talk to them. Do not concern yourself with who contacts first, that is all game playing. Be authentic and speak from the heart. Let him know how this is making you feel. Take a chance and be vulnerable. Save all the thinking, rationalizing and strategizing for the courtroom. Just be a woman talking to her man. Keep it simple.
Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect and I offer this advice with lots of love. Good luck! :-)

Hi Anon,

Never apologize for your standards and what you expect as basic human courtesy. Lover, friends, family – they all should show respect and consideration. If they don’t, I don’t give them the allowance to be part of my life. Sounds very harsh I know for some people but I also save myself from a lot of disappointments and wasted time on maintaining relationship – any and all kinds of relationships. It all start with basic foundation of respect and consideration. I can relate to your attitude about not needing much attention. Being respected and considered is not about being needy. It’s about how one properly interacts with another human being. Don’t reach out to him. At this point, he’s the one who should be having all the anxieties and doing all the strategies he can come up with to be back in your good graces – that is if, he is not a coward and certainly not mature and NOT a match for you. There is nothing to be anxious about. Live your life as the way you have before you met him. I definitely would not take him back. I never took anyone back who decided to walk away no matter in what manner they did it, slow fade, ghost, withdraw.

Anon,
That blows. I’m sorry this is wearing you thin…
When you get emotionally invested in something/someone it is so so hard to pull yourself out of it and get a better grip of things.
I feel ya..!
Theres all sort of advice out there.. the No Contact, lets just be friends etc…
I had a guy pull something very similar on me recently and I tried all sorts of “tactics” to better understand the situation and it just really really bothered me all the time – the fact that this guy has such control of my emotions and the way I was feeling.

Most likely, you did something to damage his ego and that sounds like why hes acting like a passive aggressive, child.
You have done a great job in recognizing what it was you did wrong ie. not texting him back after he had made the bold move of asking to live together.

Now, back off. Give him some space and stay in control.
He dosent always know how much this is all affecting you emotionally (as it sounds like youve done a pretty good job at holding yourself together and not realeasing on him all the drama – which will only push him away further)

Youre not blind, you can see that something is wrong and hes not dealing with it well.
If you want to say something simply say ” hey, i see somethings botheing you and its really difficult. its its becasue of something ive done or said, you can always say something to me, honestly, without worrying ill take it negatively. its its anything else, i hope youll find a solution soon. in the meantime ill leave you alone, but if you ever need or want me for anything you just let me know”

when he crawls out of his shell. youve given him that time and space and youll feel that heavy weight off you.and the best way for you to act is if you barely noticed he was even “gone”.

and thats where you have the power really. youre in charge of you.

So to pick up from my last update:

Tuesday evening after work I attempted to call him in response to his non apology message, phone was off again.
So I texted him in stead, again. I said ‘It’s always so good to hear from you, it instantly puts a smile on my face you know, so I was wondering if everything is okay, ___? I’d love for us to talk.’ I thought I shouldn’t come across as attacking/hostile, as I really wanted an opportunity to discuss everything, even though I didn’t intend to take any prisoners when we get round to having the discussion.
I still haven’t received a response.
The closest thing was a Facebook status update which I swear he posted for ‘my benefit’, it was about how he just got home from out of town and how hectic things are this week with him working overtime etc. I wasn’t impressed, but it’s not a total lie, the case he is working on is in its final stages and the client lives an hour and a half drive from the city and there has been almost no activity on social media the last couple of days. Nevertheless, he can post a Facebook status update, but he can’t send me a one liner text? To me it feels like if he is attempting to drive home the point that I’m no longer a priority in his life. Message received LOUD and CLEAR, I just don’t know why he can’t use his words. Rip of the band aid, DONE. Over, sorted.

Wednesday morning I woke up feeling apathetic.I knew it was over, regardless of how the talk would go, regardless of whether I’d ever hear from him again, as I felt incredibly turned off.
But today is my off day and I’ve had way too much time to think, wallow and then think some more. I know you’re not mind readers, but I really need someone to help me understand what happened here. I’ve never experienced someone walking out of my life without using their words to let me know, so again I say I’m baffled.

Ok Anon you’ve gotten all this out. Now what?

What is plan to move forward and return to a happier place in your life?
I understand we are not robots and people have feelings. I don’t think anyone would tell you your feelings aren’t valid. It’s just at some point you have to start focusing your energy else where.

You may never get that reason from him and you can rack your brain on all the things he did right. The reality is he’s not here now and that’s okay because eventually someone will be all that you listed and more.

If you need to take a break so be it, I think we all have done that at some point when dating became frustrating, didn’t make sense, healing from a heartache, etc.

I urge you to each day work on spending less of your thoughts on this. Our minds are so powerful and you really can channel your thoughts into thinking differently.

Jessica, the fact that I’d really love for you to be right should say something here, if having things back to ‘normal’ means me being the culprit, owning up, doing whatever I have to to fix it, I’d gladly have it that way, really I would. But what more can I do, he isn’t communicating with me, at least not in a constructive manner, what am I left to think but that he is doing the slow fade and isn’t the man I thought he was? I can’t sit around forever hoping for the best.

Why do you think I’m so awfully upset by this? You hit the nail on the head, he was incredibly good to me up to that point, that’s why this is so hard for me to deal with, I hope everyone thinking I’m being a basket case reads this part.

And although I only typed out his side, I’ve showered him with admiration, appreciation, respect and affection, it’s been clear as daylight that I’m adoring of him, but I really didn’t, and still don’t, think the moving in idea was a good one.

Well that’s great that you decided to write it all out. I find writing can be therapeutic. You can get everything out uninterrupted.

There will be good day and not so good days in situations like this.

Quite frankly, none of us can say for sure why he has gone silent. Only he knows and hopefully he will reach out to communicate to you.

As far as red flags go.What if anything do YOU think you could have done differently? Where there moments where something felt off but you ignored it?

Whenever something fell apart with me and a guy.I always allowed time to clear my head and then I reflected back, once I could do that the answers came to me. After the dust settles you tend to see what you weren’t willing to see before.