Slow fade vs pulling back temporarily

Thanks for that, Khadija.

I think the obvious thing I should have done differently, is be more vulnerable, but at the same time I’ve read on here how you should let the man reveal himself/his heart first. I wasn’t following rules or playing games, I only read it last weekend, I’m just a naturally guarded person and although I/we’d gotten about 70% of the way, I didn’t quite trust him fully yet. He still had to prove himself more. I felt like I’d get there in another month or 2 if things kept moving forward at a steady pace.
So I’m not quite sure how else I could’ve been vulnerable or (re)acted better when he brought it up, as I genuinely didn’t feel comfortable with moving in. It felt too soon, too much, almost like a fantasy he had built up in his head. It didn’t feel like he had really considered the reality. It felt like he just wanted to have me closer to him, because he enjoys having me around, without considering the long term implications. And I felt like that would make me too dependent on someone I have not solidified a relationship with. Keeping in mind neither of us has said ILU, we’ve been exclusive, but no label other than that and it’s been less than 6 months. I happened to read on here a woman shouldn’t move in with a man without commitment anyway. So there’s that.

I might be ‘intimidating’ and use ‘cold’ language, but the reason I say he knows I adore him is because of things like the glow in my eyes when I look at him, the way I smile at him, laugh around hi, my body language, the way I treat him, the little and not so little things I do for him, the way he just brings out my gentler side. That’s another factor that plays a MAJOR part in my attraction to him, he makes me feel protected and taken care of, when he does something like insist on carrying all 7 shopping bags when I only have my purse to carry and can easily help, I feel feminine. I don’t get to experience that a lot in every day life due to my work environment, so I appreciate that he brings it to the forefront.

Jessica, I feel like I did try to open the communication channels, like my message was a gentle enough ‘nudge’, wouldn’t it be the dreaded ‘double text’ if I reached out again? He was active on social media for 3 hours last night. When I woke up his latest status update said ‘out hiking for the day’, I read that as ‘don’t expect to hear from me’. I should probably do a self imposed social media ban, so that I stop looking at his and stop thinking it is passive aggressive messages aimed at me, but then again, he almost never posts things like that!
I also committed another crazy lady head space sin, I remembered he got a new Facebook friend in the last 3 weeks, a woman, at the time I didn’t think anything of it, but now I’m suspicious. The only ‘new friends’ he has made on Facebook in the last couple of months, is me and her. Rationally I know I’m grasping at straws here.

I still feel like if he really wanted to talk to me at this point, he would. You said I don’t know what’s going through his head, true, but how much more time does he need to figure it out? Hasn’t a reasonable amount of time to work this out, within ourselves and among the two of us, passed?

I havne’t blown up his phone, acted psycho towards him, posted anything on social media to let on anything is wrong, nor have I run to his/my friends/co-workers to badmouth him. I feel like I’ve been keeping it together, at least from an outward perspective, my posts on here are obviously an outlet. I expressed that I’d like to talk to him, which I feel shows willingness from my side to listen to whatever he has to say.

Someone makes you feel rejected and then they attempt to make amends/set things right, but you won’t allow them to and don’t tell them to get lost either?

The only other explanation (other than I don’t want you anymore but can’t get myself to say the words) I can come up with, is that he still wants me around for whatever reasons, but he is afraid to officially break things off with me, because…..

We had a very long and deep discussion on how I handle those who burn me in life.
It was after he tried to get me to reach out to someone very close to me whom I cut off completely a year ago, after the person betrayed me. I would not budge. I have not budged for a year. I told him that person is dead to me. He commented that I’m relentless that way.

I know these are more long posts, sorry, Ijust wanted to respond to the points made. Fortunately for me I’m not in the mood to deal with this today, so I trust that will be it for now. Have a good day, ladies.

Just popping my head back in.
The picture is becoming a lot more clear.
Thank you for answering my questions.
I think it’s helping you gain perspective and it will help you in the future.

Of course he had not had 100 % of your trust yet but what keeps bothering me is that it seems to me that two people who were interested in each other very much completely miscommunicated. Happens all the time. Two insecure people do not make a great match unless they work on themselves. All you can do is work on yourself. Of course it is ok to not want to move in with him right away but I do feel that you did not encourage him about the relationship enough. That has happened with me and my BF as well and that he would write communication line openers first when he felt rejected by me.

That said I do not like several things about him; obviously that he is not responding to you. After his message and your response he should have followed. I am still wondering where this went wrong.

I am absolutely positive that if this is so that he is ghosting, there had to have been red flags you are not mentioning. You mentioned one and that is huge; what happened at the bar. What he did there, the way he reacted was not only completely out of line but also abusive and absolutely putting you down because he felt HE did not measure up to those handsome man, so to say you are not good enough for them? Yikes. Now that most likely would have made me call it quits. When a man starts emotionally abusing you, something is really wrong. You ARE obviously good enough and that is not the point, you do not say what he said to you to anyone.

Look at it this way, maybe this loss is not your loss? It seems to me that it really is his. It also sounds like a lot of other men would be interested in you, so why not move on and try to find that special someone who is secure enough to appreciate you and value you for who you are?

You are a very worthy, intelligent person who does not deserve this from this guy. I would drop it at this point since he is not even acknowledging your messages. If this kept happening, it would drive me crazy too. I am not ok with weeks of no communication unless we both agreed on it for reasons to think the relationship over. Even then. My tolerance is very low for this type of a behavior. Even lower for what he did at the bar.

I’ve been trying to update this since this morning 5am, no luck. It only allows short sentences.

Anon,
I just caught up with this thread and I think it’s good that you are using it as an outlet for your anxiety about this. Now that I’ve read your latest posts about the things he’s done/said before, and I realize the guy is very insecure and I honestly don’t like the insinuations. You deserve respect from the man you are dating – those comments were disrespectful.

I’m not sure I would jump to the conclusion of options2 but she raises some good points and it is a possibility to explain the sudden change in him – combined with the new FB friend. I don’t want to get you all paranoid – I usually recommend being calm and silence when you aren’t sure what’s going on. I recommend the same here now.

In light of this new info, I think the best thing you can do is to do your own thing. This is in part because his comments reveal a potentially abusive side of him – the fact that he said that so early on is shocking. I’m less impressed with him. Since he’s still silent and you made the last attempt, do not reach out again. The truth is always revealed In due time – in this case, you may have moved on by then. And if he really cannot stay away, he won’t. My BF and I broke up a few times bc we weren’t sure we were culturally compatible – but he could never stay away, and now we’re back together bc we just loved each other – it was that simple. Life is complicated, but love shouldn’t be. In your case, he sounds flawed and those flaws are revealing themselves now. These flaws may not be deal breakers but I think they should make you take pause and think about how much you want to continue agonizing over him. You sound like an attractive, intelligent woman who likely won’t have problems finding potential suitors in a short time.

This posting issue sure is annoying! It’s a miracle that one posted!

The second of this morning’s attempted posts: Do I sound that high strung and uptight, alia? :)

Fun for me is exercise, Netflix, read, garden, quiz nights, road trips. I’m quieter and more reserved in my private life. Most of the action and adrenaline comes from my work life. I need the balance.
Yesterday I really didn’t want to think about all of this, so it wass off with the phone and ipad after posting on here (in an effort to deter myself from looking, playing detective, expecting), went to the gym, a spa treatment, filled up the car, watered my plants, baked muffins, cleaned and then went to bed really early before my thoughts could turn to him.

sorry*

Tried to post an update several times (he contacted me yesterday), but it’s not letting me, seems I can only post a line or two at a time.

Anon, I have been following this thread and I’m sorry this is happening to you. Even though you weren’t 100% invested, you still had feelings, and it sucks that he’s fading/disappearing. Please do try to post updates, I’m curious about what he said when he contacted you. I haven’t had issues posting on this forum, but it seems a lot of people do. For what it’s worth, it seems like you’re handling this situation with a level head and your emotions in check. I’m impressed.

Clearing the cache didn’t work, thank you though. I tried a different browser, alternate email address and changing the wording too. Perhaps I should try breaking it up into VERY brief paragraphs (it’s the only way it seems to post). I feel rather compelled to let everyone know what happened!

Please ignore the nonsense above. Experimenting.

Sunday. Out. Phone not swtiched on. Phone on. Text from him.
He is free all day. Am I free? Hug and kiss.

I see he is active on soc media.
I crack (sorry, Miss Aspiring, frustration got the better of me) and regretfully send a gloriously needy pathetic ‘beg’ text. Loathe myself for doing it, but too late.
Text: ____, clearly something is amiss. You let me know you are free, when I make myself available, you don’t react. Do I not deserve a little courtesy? Please let’s talk, however brief. I hear nothing, but within the hour he (bizarrely) likes my soc med posts.