Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Slow paced dating – shall I ask him out this time?
- This topic has 16 replies and was last updated 1 year, 4 months ago by
Liz Lemon.
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Cherry
Hello, I matched with this guy on a dating app in July. We’ve been on 3 dates so far.
The first was just a drink, we sat and talked for 2 hours. He messaged me the next day saying he wanted to see me again. We talked about going for a bike ride together but he was going away to his mum’s hometown so we decided a date 2 weeks later. He texted me a little bit but at this stage we’d only just met so I didn’t think much of it.
I ended up not feeling well on our decided date so we decided to plan for dinner a few days later. He booked a table and we had a nice dinner and few drinks. He tried to kiss me when he dropped me to the station but I got taken by surprise so it was only a little peck. That night he texted me to say he had fun. We didn’t text much again but he messaged me during the week for plans over the weekend. He planned a museum date, we had food and then got drinks again. He really opened up and I asked him about his previous relationships. He told me he dated when he was at university but hadn’t really dated much after. He said it’s just been this year that he’s started dating again. I had a feeling he was inexperienced so that confirmed it.
He dropped me off again and this time we properly kissed and it was nice. He texted me after to say he had lots of fun and we flirted a little bit. He doesn’t text much in between but he did text me to tell me about his weekend. It’s now Thursday and I’ve been waiting to see if he’ll ask me out again.
I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket so I’ve accepted to go on a date tomorrow with someone else.
But with this guy it feels like we’re slowly getting to know each other. He’s very respectful and so far has paid for all our dates and planned them and not once has he made me uncomfortable. I’d like to see him again.
Is it acceptable for me to message him this time about seeing him again or would you suggest waiting?
Ewa
do you know if your new and old date know each other by any chance? I always worry about that when dating 2 people at the same time haha
has he been texting you at all this week? I think it is ok to show him a little interest and tell him you would like to see him again, see how he reacts , if he is suddenly too busy etc then you will have your answer.Cherry
No there’s little to no chance they know each other, live in different areas, different jobs and the new date is slightly older.
He messaged me on Sunday and then Monday evening about his weekend and I replied Tuesday afternoon. I haven’t heard from him since.
After our last date, I did tell him I had lots of fun and cheekily told him I might have to blame him for getting late to see a friend. He said he was guilty!
Shall I maybe say this –
Hey, I had a lot of fun last time and was hoping to see you again! Are you free this Saturday?
Ewa
I wouldn’t offer a specific day, I would just say i had fun and would like to see you again perhaps this weekend… then let him come up with a plan. Being Thursday he might already have plans but to me it seems like he isn’t driving it, little communication between dates is fine if you have date scheduled but in this case I am not even sure about his level of interest.
I would also think about the fact that he paid for all of your dates, I think it’s great and I hope you offered to pay half etc but maybe he is not in a financial position to keep paying each time you go away and men are sometimes weird when it comes to money and being honest about how much they can afford.
i am also curious why did you wait till Tuesday afternoon to reply to his message from Monday evening?
Cherry
Yh I’m feeling the same. I had hoped after our last date he’d be more enthusiastic about planning something again. He does seem to be busy though, he’s been training for a cross country cycle which is coming up in a few weeks.
So I did offer to pay and bought drinks with our lunch for us (we were at a market so he bought food and dessert and I got the drinks). When we got to the museum, he paid for our entry tickets and said hey let me get this.
It seems like that’s our pattern, we don’t seem to reply straight away? It felt like maybe I should reply later.
Okay I think you’re right, I think I’ll follow what you said. If there’s no movement from his side then I have my answer.
Liz Lemon
Maybe suggest the bike ride since that’s something that’s free? Since money could be a concern. You could text him to say something about how you’d love to do that.
Since he’s been consistent and generous for 3 dates, in my book I think it’s OK to reach out to say hi and express interest in seeing him again. I agree with Ewa about not suggesting a specific date. But maybe a specific activity, like the bike ride, although I don’t think it’s actually necessary to suggest an activity; and let him do the work of actually scheduling it. If he’s vague or lukewarm, and doesn’t actively try to schedule something, I would say don’t pursue it.
Cherry
Thank you Liz and Ewa! So I’ve dropped him a message just to say that I had lots of fun and want to see him again.
I’ve been on a few dates this summer and it feels like when it gets to a point where I’m suddenly feeling unsure about what’s happening it’s usually not a good sign.
But I guess we’ll see! I’ll drop an update if/when I hear from him
Liz Lemon
Yeah, if your gut is unsure, that’s usually not a good sign. But I think there’s no harm in sending a friendly hello at this point. You don’t want to be a cold fish if the guy has been making an effort up to this point. If he doesn’t pick up the ball and run with it, at least you’ll know, and can move on to the next one :-)
Please do post an update and good luck!Cherry
Not so much of a great update – he replied saying that he wanted to see me too and that it had been a crazy week and apologised for slow replies. He asked me if I was free Saturday.
I told him it was okay and that I was free then.
He asked me if I wanted to come around to his place for dinner and a movie
I said I’m not comfortable with that yet.
I’ll see if he suggests something else but it’s just too early for sex
AngieBaby
Good for you for putting up that boundary. You’re about to find out if he’s for real or if he just did all this to warm you up for easy sex.
Cherry
Thank you ladies for the help!
He messaged me to say that it was cool and it was his bad for inviting me over.
So he suggested a bike ride and coffee instead on Sunday. I thanked him and said let’s do this instead.
I wonder if money might be the issue? If he grabs coffee I will offer to grab a snack on Sunday.
Ewa
it could be an issue and the fact that he invited you to his place could confirm that , but it also could mean he was hoping to get sex so you never know.
is he young? has he got a good job?Cherry
We’re both in our mid-twenties and he does have a good job at a company but I don’t know what level his income is.
I think it may be a good time to tell him I’m looking for something more long term and don’t do sex outside of being exclusive, and ask about his intentions.
Liz Lemon
I don’t think this is a “bad” update. He was responsive when you reached out, and when you turned down dinner at his place he apologized and immediately offered something else.
Maybe he was trying to get sex, but maybe money is genuinely an issue. If he is dating around (which he should be, as you are), it gets expensive to go out and pay every time.
I mean, guys DO want sex. Even nice guys! So can’t blame him for asking. But it was excellent that you put up that boundary. If he’s a decent guy who is looking for a relationship, he will respect you more for that.
I think it’s a good idea to ask him what he’s looking for at this point. It’s completely reasonable to not want to have sex without exclusivity. Have fun on Sunday and keep us posted! :-)
Cherry
Hey ladies, just a quick update!
The date went really well, we ended up going out for lunch and to a park instead because of issues with his bike. The place ended up being my idea but he really liked it. He paid for lunch and drinks and I bought the second round of drinks.
We walked a little, sat down in a park and talked for a really long time. We ended up kissing which was nice.
He asked me about this coming weekend and my plans, he locked down a day we’ll see each other again. Which is nice because we got off to a slow start so seeing each other once a week is good.
I told him I’m going bouldering with friends, he said if I like it we can go together one day. I also noticed that he started telling me the names of his friends and who he’s going to be hanging out with this week.
Sex is off the table for now and I think we’re both feeling like it’s too early to be exclusive so I think we’re on the same page about going on dates more regularly now and just getting to know each other.
It’s still early days so who knows if this will work out but I’m glad things are going in the right direction.
Ewa
happy for you, great update :)
Liz Lemon
Awesome! I’m so glad to hear it :-)
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