Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › "Slow things down"… Now what?
- This topic has 9 replies and was last updated 5 years ago by
AllieM.
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Tamar
I’ve been seeing this guy for only a month. We fell into the habit of texting daily, deep conversations, but only saw each other only twice (Both times we were intimate). Recently, I noticed a shift in his communication. The indicators were the infrequent usage of emojis/gifs that he used to use ALL the time, just a plain “hey” vs the cute nicknames he called me earlier on, and basically not responding to my wanting to meet up or telling him that I missed him to which he used to be proactive about and told me he missed me too. About 2 weeks ago, while drinking, I told him if I become to clingy or needy to let me know. He said it was fine and that he is just getting back into the swing of things after not talking to someone since the beginning of the year. I’ve recognized where I’ve been overwhelming with all the “I miss you” texts, and recalling our sexual encounters, and telling him how much I like him. Dumb move on my part I just got caught up too quickly. However, this week he messaged me saying that we should take things slow,how he doesn’t believe he was truly ready to start anything, and that he’s not where he needs to be mentally and is trying to work on being a better him. Then in a followup message he mentions how he feels he’s not helping me reach my sexual goal but adding to the problem and that he thinks I need to work on this without distraction and how he’s working on himself too (For context: We’re both very sexual and earlier on I shared how I want to practice refraining so it doesn’t consume my mind); I was a little thrown off by this because we’re grown adults and it was consensual. I didn’t force him and he didn’t force me. Furthermore, it’s not up to him assume what I can and can’t handle and what measures I need to take to overcome them. He then added, “I’m not doing this to cut you off or stop talking to you, those aren’t my intentions.” Anyways, my response was ” I understand where you’re coming from and that you have other things you want to work on and/or prioritize. I respect that. Take your time and space.” His response was “Thank you so much for understanding.” It’s been 4 days since I’ve heard from him and I do not intend to communicate with him until/if he reaches out and is ready.Based off the info provided, should I have any hope, be patient, and stick around to see what happens? or should I move on? I haven’t been vulnerable with someone for a a while and it sucks not knowing what to do. Any advice/constructive criticism will be appreciated.
kaye
So you’ve only seen each other twice in a month, both times you were intimate, and now you’re telling him how much you miss him and want to see him, reliving your sexual encounters and he’s backing off. First of all, twice in a month doesn’t show much interest on his part. It sounds like you’re throwing yourself at him and he’s not ready to catch you! Most women after having sex with a man expect an instant relationship. That’s what you’ve done and clearly he’s not even sure if he wants a relationship right now! To me it sounds like he’s gone. He’s telling you to work on your sexual goal “without distraction” and he’s going to work on himself. You told him to take time and space and he’s done that for 4 days now with no contact when you used to talk daily.
I would completely move on. Think about the reality of this, you’ve only been in his company twice. Just because you texted daily doesn’t mean he’s developed a bond with you. And you mistakenly thought sex would form a bond with him and it didn’t. You got caught up too quickly and scared him off. If he had developed feelings for you other than lust he wouldn’t be able to walk away so easily. Let him go and work on your goal. I would say early sex leads to a disadvantage for women probably 99% of the time. You get attached and become needy and expectations increase and the guy isn’t even sure if he’s wanting a relationship at this point. You do need to do yourself a favor and work on that because it’s clouding your judgment.
Dangerouse
You talk and share way too much. You’ve overwhelmed him with the yak yak yak. Just stop
Khadija
I think this is a case of too much too soon.
This was a length paragraph about a man you’ve only known one month and seen twice.
All the I miss you texts and recounting your sexual rendezvous is overwhelming.It appears he is doing a slow fade at this point.
Give him some space if he returns I suggest you not be so intense and in fact slow down.
I’m not sure this can be saved but, I would highly suggest you learn something.
IF you don’t you’ll be doomed to repeat the same behavior with different men.Emotional Retard
He is being emotionally distant. “If they give you mixed messages about wanting and not wanting it, you might be better off finding another partner, but if they seem genuinely interested in gaining emotional intelligence skills, then you might want to give them room to grow.”
Give him SPACE and emotionally distance your self too. Just enjoy the quality time when you have it and let it unfold on it’s own. Slow down, you move too fast.
AllieM
[post deleted]
Mod update: AllieM, Your question was fair but it may be interpreted as others as a callout, and that has the potential to derail the thread. I’m going to delete that because that’s not our topic.
But, AllieM, I’m going to assume that you asked the question in good faith, so I’ll answer. But first, I do offer my apologies to Tamar for taking attention away from the topic for a moment.
The avatars that appear next to posts are tied to the email address, which isn’t shared with the public. In general, the same avatar means it’s the same person. I don’t really nitpick over name-changing in a broad context when the community more-or-less knows who it is because of the presence of the avatar. I also really don’t take issue when the poster’s intent is genuine and is contributing to the discussion at hand.
Where I do take issue is when a topic is brought up on multiple occasions by the same person, but they hide the fact that they’re the same person. Historically, that pattern of behavior has caused problems and was usually indicative of persons with less-than-noble intentions. So, we steer people away from it. (Again, to be clear, I’m not referring to Tamar’s thread here! I’m talking about other topics.)
I hope that clears up the topic for you, AllieM. To everyone else, I hope this doesn’t cause confusion and blow up Tamar’s topic! Please do carry on.
mama
kaye, I really appreciate the way you’ve answered this poster. I think you’ve given her truth in no uncertain terms, and I really hope she reads it twice because it’s great advice. And Khadija always has sage advice as well. :)
If only I’d listened to advice like this way back in the day. I’m in a good place now but I could have avoided a ton of heartache prior to finding my current love.
Best of luck ladies. :)
Amy
Tamar–he broke up with you (even though you weren’t technically dating). Not trying to be rude but unfortunately that’s what it sounds like. He even pretty much told you to find another sex partner. That pretty much indicates very low (if not zero) interest in pursuing you. At least you only knew each other a month. I’d say that 4 days is pretty long compared to daily texts, etc. He might keep your # if he wants to sleep with you again..in that case, I hope you say no as it will definitely impact your self-esteem and respect negatively. Sorry that happened…it always sucks. But now you can focus on doing positive things for yourself and attracting the right person. You guys just weren’t a match is a good way to look at it! xox
Sylvia
Oh you acted better than I did and found a better guy!
I’m the worst person to give advice but early on a guy can’t feel he already has you. I hate this and know some instances when people just clicked but otherwise..
I’d say though that if he felt the same connection to you and chemistry those messages wouldn’t scare him away. He’d be happy to know you feel the same way. Insecurities gone. At least it’s my take on this. You weren’t on the same page and I’m not sure you’d ever be.AllieM
Admin, I did ask in good faith and meant no insult. Thanks for the response. Sorry for interrupting Tamar.
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