So Hurt and Resentful. Can't Get Over Hurtful Comment from my Husband

I’ve been focused on it every day since he said it. I have never been able to forget it, and it is hard for me to believe that he didn’t mean it, or that he doesn’t think that it’s true. It still makes me feel bad about myself every day.

Nothing has happened recently except that I have been thinking a lot about how long this has bothered me. When this comment was first said, and I was going through the initial pain of it, I told myself that I should just give it time, that surely in a few years, time would heal everything. Because it has been nearly five years, and I am still thinking about it on a daily basis, I’ve been asking myself if I can deal with the possibility of always feeling this way. The thought of feeling this way for the rest of my life really scares me. It’s really hard for me to enjoy our sex life too. In order to get turned on or to have a climax, I usually have to imagine being with someone else who I know does not think that about me. For a while now, I’ve been fantasizing about being with my ex, thinking maybe things would be different with him. I’ve been thinking for years now that as much as it would hurt, I might need to leave my husband in order to have a chance at happiness. I love him so much, though, that thought is unsettling. I just don’t know what to do.

OK. So at this point this thought is a pretty ingrained habit. And that habit is now running you. Best way to break a habit is develop a new more positive one that replaces it. Because the more I say don’t think about the time your husband said that, the more you will. Is there something he has done or said that made you feel great that you could start to choose to focus on instead? I don’t think going back to your ex is the answer. That’s an escape thought and a fantasy.

Amber… your husband said it and apologized a long time ago. That is a fact. The rest is fiction you are writing. All of this hurt, you are creating sweetheart. The story is in your own head. You’re pointing the finger at him and three fingers are pointing back at you. He isn’t ruining your marriage, you are. I mean this kindly. You have total control of this. No one else can rescue you but you. You will be very, very sorry if you leave your marriage over this.

Men say all kinds of silly things, there is saying women are crazy and men are stupid, the reason why women are crazy is because men are stupid :)

I really do not see a big deal here, he said he’s more attractive, then let him be the attractive one, why don’t you just enjoy marrying a handsome man? It doesn’t matter what he said, he married you, he told you by action that you are beautiful. Your happiness should not depend on what a man says or does to you, please work on yourself to gain inner confidence. You do not need anyone to validate your appearance, not even your husband.

I think he said it out of spite or anger, perhaps he knows you’re vain when it comes to your appearance and he struck you with something he knows will hurt you. And it did.

You sound like you’ve never forgiven him. Which is actually unfair to him, since he has apologized and tried to make it up to you countless times. And you married him despite all of that, so he’s going to assume everything is okay between you two already.If I were him I’d be angry because you didn’t tell me the whole story in the first place and I had no idea you were still hurting and stressing about it, all this time!

I agree with Andrea here, if you were really beautiful it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. It would even turn out as if you’re competing with your very own husband, just because he said he’s more attractive and you cannot accept it. It shouldn’t be the case really— he’s a man and you’re a woman. Do you really have to measure who’s better looking? When people say you’re a beautiful couple, do they have an attractiveness index?

I’m sorry but your husband’s comment is funny and should not have been taken seriously. It’s up to you to accept– you don’t need anybody’s validation for your beauty, if you truly believe you’re beautiful inside and out.

I don’t mean to dismiss your feelings of hurt and resentment however I just wanted to point out that a few observations. First his comment sounds was vain, boastful and really shallow. Although it obviously hurt you u he could have said something like I never found you attractive and dated u out of pity or as a bet then fell in love with your great personality. Now I could see someone holding on to hurt by that revelation, but honestly dear his comment sounded more like an immature stab at an insecurity you have had about how you look then anything else. The fact that his comment of being better looking than you has affected every aspect of your relationship for 5 years is why I say this. Also if this was said to you BEFORE you got married and did indeed caused so much pain why in the heck did you marry him afterwards? I agree with other posters that it’s you choosing to ruin your marriage
By holding this grudge. It also says a lot about your maturity level and self respect, and casts doubt on your intentions towards this marriage.Did u marry him just to pay him back for a insensitive comment made before you married him? If so I’m afraid that you are the one making his life hell and seriously need to do some self reflection and apologize for the pain u have caused. And the ex boyfriend thing is also a reflection of maturity level considering he is your ex because obviously the two of you had compatibility issues.

Erika,

I do have a lot of insecurities about my appearance as most women do. I also have a lot of mixed feelings. I go back and forth between feeling really beautiful and then feeling really down on myself. It’s just so incredibly painful to have my most awful fears about my appearance confirmed in any way by the closest person to me. Even though he took it back, said he was sorry, it still pains me so much every single day when I think about it. It causes me to sort of check myself any time I get to feeling confident or beautiful. It’s like whenever I start to feel really good about myself, that awful memory and those words pop right back up again and make me question myself. I’m afraid that no matter how I feel about the way that I look, I’ll never be able to get over this. I love my husband so much, but I’m afraid that I will never love myself again unless I’m with someone else who would never say those things. I feel like it’s so messed up that I am devoting myself to someone whose words have made me feel so bad for so long, but at the same time, I love him very much and I don’t throw away our conpanipnship or abandon the sweet person I know he is and the love we have I know that he is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused me, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less, even after all this time.

I cannot recommend this enough…Self Esteem and Peak Performance by Jack Canfield I had the cassette version (I’m old), and then got the CD version and have listened to the series hundreds of times. Actually, time for a refresher for me too.

I hope this helps.

This is not normal, please seek therapy, I do not think this is about his comment anymore but your self esteem and maybe depression for other reasons as well or no reason at all. Listen, I have had depression, low self esteem but I remember my ex boyfriend told me after living with me for 6 years and having an affair that he was not attracted to me. It hurt like crazy. I never forgave him for not just this obviously but the other things he has done, cheating and lying but he chased me for five more years! Do you think it was because he did not find me attractive? People say crazy silly things during fights and some are incredibly hurtful and hard to get over. I think you should work on yourself in therapy and try to work on what makes you feel better about yourself unless it is that you do not really love your husband. I know you say you do but you are not able to enjoy sex with him either having to fantasize about other men. This did happen to me in my very bad marriage when I was no longer able to love my ex husband- If this is not true then I think you are going through an emotional crisis or it may be ongoing and long-term and it should be addressed and helped.- This is absolutely no reason to break up over. I can tell you that in five years most men would have told you a lot more hurtful things. I hope this does get resolved if you do indeed love him.

Amber,
I was married to someone for 12 years who didnt think I was thin enough. I never was even average size when we met, but always tending to the curvy. I was very young when I married him (he had loads of other fantastic plus points) but over the years, I always tried to lose weight, trying everything possible for him but also for me. When I would lose weight, he never noticed any difference. In fact he once looked at a photo of me 20 kilos lighter and in the photo he was right next to me and was shocked as to how thin I was at the moment it was clicked. I could never stay that way and always came back to my ‘normal’ size.
About a year and a half ago he left me saying he never loved me and never desired me. We have two children. I laugh now when I remember that comment because I never forced myself on him. And guess what? Since my separation, I am twenty kilos lighter (with a great diet and regular exercise),and have stayed like that without putting on a kilo.
Because something in me didnt die BUT came alive when he said he didnt desire me. Actual and complete love for me, my body and my spirit. The thing weighing on me in that relationship was him. Weighing me to be inadequate and not good enough. Cause even though he never said ‘you are ugly’, he never said a good thing either.
About my body, about my efforts, about me. SO Never again.
Since then, I only date men who pursue me a lot for this reason. Attraction is very important now for me. Attraction both ways. And if a man says something like this to me, it would be a BIG RED FLAG.

I think you need to first really introspect about why you feel so insecure about your looks. If it’s a one off comment, then you should try your best to overcome it, but if you feel it in your daily life (no compliments on the way you dress, no gifts, no affection etc), then he is definitely still fueling that one comment…maybe without knowing it.

PS Im not the same Andrea who commented above.

For a one time comment ?

Please go find out if you have been clinically traumatized …