So I grew up around disrespectful women, my biggest relationship was toxic.

The first thing to understand is that you are a good person. Deep down there is a man who wants to come out and be who you desire to be.

It takes work to change things. No one does it overnight….it is one step at a time. Continue getting help and be kind to yourself.

Second forgive everyone….including yourself…that is a tall order but once you truly forgive everyone your path will clear immensely and you will have then the power to make other changes. You want to blame people….and yourself….that leads to destruction of self and is a prison in your mind and heart…

When you are out of harmony, you are NOT happy.

Maybe you need to take a break. Dealing with a hostile ex wife is definitely bound to bring back any mommy issues you have dealt with in the past and make things more difficult. I personally am not a fan of the whole “you’ll find someone when you’re not looking,” line of thinking because I didn’t look for years and was alone. But realize, you need to heal. The worst thing you can do is instead of dealing with your pain, jumping into another relationship as a band aid to cover it up. It’s not just you, this is a common way men deal with things. I read somewhere that women actually get over break ups than men faster…although on the surface it doesn’t seem that way. And that’s because they’re encouraged to cry it all out and deal with their pain while men swallow it down and try to deny it so it keeps resurfacing.

I’ve seen some of your posts and have been taken aback by some of the hostility directed at the original posters. I don’t condone that; please remember that some of the people writing here are not in a good frame of mind so you need to try to be kind and understand that they’re hurting. However, unlike others, I understand you. Many years ago my father, who lived with me, was sick and dying of cancer. I was active on a now defunct advice forum and I created a troll personna, mainly to mock some of the frequent posters I didn’t like. I didn’t really give bad advice or harmful advice to people, but I cringe to think of some of the things I did write. And I was around your age when I did it. I realize now I was in so much pain I needed some sort of outlet and so I lashed out at people. And some of those people even deserved it, to be fair. But, that wasn’t me doing those things and it wasn’t a statement of my character. I was not myself during that time. So, unlike some that want to diagnose you with some sort of mental illness and/or character flaw, I realize that this is not you. You are not yourself.

@ Laura: Thank you, I meet with a doctor for therapy every friday morning, I am now going to be meeting with my primary care once every month.

I aspire to be a psych doctor so I know the importance of therapy, I stopped going for a few years but am not back on track, again thank you.

@Bedazzle: Thank you so much, this is one of the best posts of advice I have gotten on this site, I am going to keep reading it, and when like you said my anger and emotions calm down (maybe tomorrow idk) I am really going to give it a shot, thank you so much, I really appreciate the effort you gave to help me.

I grew up being a shy and anxiety having child, I let people put me down, bully me physically and mentally, so I really regret that and now just insist on always fighting back, telling myself nobody is EVER going to bully me again. It has made me very argumentative, I broke my own rule last night to only speak with my ex about our children, I cussed her out, I got aggressive, I broke down every little bit of her psychological make up and she lashed back (of course) and threatened to have me killed. I was doing so good avoiding getting personal, treating it like business transactions and only speaking about/to the children, but I screwed up lol.

Wow! What lovely lovely things the ladies have written. I mean this forum itself, and the people here is a blessing.
Jason, I wanted to touch on something you mention another time. It’s about your addiction. I agree with the school of thought that addiction is an attachment disorder. There is book about that that sheds so much light on this issue, by Philip J. Flores, “Addiction is an Attachment Disorder”.
You said you went to a AA meeting, but you are not religious, so the “higher power” thing doesn’t work for you.
To me the 12 step program is an amazing thing. I think it’s more aligned with Buddhism than it is with Christianity. The higher power is nature. The fact you were born a human. That is higher power. Nature determined what you are, not you. You never chose to be a human, did you? I never a chose to be a woman, etc. But here we are. We are human beings, created by the higher power – nature, the universe.
I always recommend Kamal Ravikant and his book, “Live your Truth”, this is his quote: “I promise you that the same stuff galaxies are made of, you are. The same energy that swings planets around stars makes electrons dance in your heart. It is in you, outside you, you are it. It is beautiful. Trust in this. And you your life will be grand.”
I also think you may have channeled all that is anxiety and self hatred in you, into hating women. It’s not unlike what our friend Mike has done, and you guys are very similar in that way. So it’s an avenue you chose in the circumstances you were in, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You can change all of it. And so can Mike. Where we came from and what we learned doesn’t have to define us. We can re-define ourselves. But it takes some major balls.
Also, when you started your family at 15, you were nowhere near to be ready. It’s admirable you did, but you had 15 years ahead of you to mature, and some of that time was taken away from you. You were thrown into having to be an adult, to be responsible, when you were not an adult mentally. You are 25 now, you are just turning into a full adult.
Of course you can change. Everyone has a capacity for change. Life is change, life is movement. But change takes guts, can you really face your pain and let the pain flow through you without resisting? Resistance is stagnation, comfort, memory; growth is change, change is love, change is life.
I believe you will do great.

“One extra motivating factor for me is that my vibe determines my attractiveness… and my vibe is directly determined by my mood.”

Excellent point Eric, this should be on a plaque!

@Maria thank you very much for taking the time, let me try to tackle your post as best as I can.

The accident was at 10 AM I was completely sober honest to god, a man clipped my right mirror on the right side so I moved slightly left to avoid it, it was too late, it was a few weeks before Christmas so there was a TON of snow (MA you know) and then the brakes were bad so I slid on some ice and hit several trees, boom, boom, boom lol thankfully they were small trees or I may not be posting this. So all I remember was defensive driving two hands on the wheels fighting with the breaks, my ex screaming crying jumping back holding onto our babies car seat. She got a concussion because of that taking off her seat belt and such so her head jerked, baby had no issues nor me. So anyways after all the trees I crashed into a car on the opposite side of the highway with two elderly women, both were uninjured thankfully, at the time I thought I killed someone and a guy told me the car was smoking helped get the car seat out and we sat in his warm car and watched it burn, highway was covered in thick black smoke. Scariest moment in my 25 years I tell you that.

But I know I forgot what I was going to say but Maria I use writing as a tool, I love to write, poems, short stories, novellas, and music. So there is that so yeah, I started this post like 2 hours ago and lost my train of thought lol.

Never once have you taken responsibility for anything Jason. It’s all about what others do to you. Stop blaming your ex and your mother and all women.

Start tackling your issues there. You keep attracting the same stuff over and over with your messed up belief system.

You say you are an aggressive poster and you will bite back when bitten. You take great pleasure in bragging about how you know how to break people down psychologically. The laugh’s on you mate. You’re reaping exactly what you are sowing. Seriously??? You wonder why your life is the way it is???? Look in the mirror. It’s not anyone but you causing all of this.

@SpysDemise: I am sure I have stated I take full responsibility that my alcohol dependency has played a major role in losing my relationship, losing my kids, failing and being out of college for almost 3 years, it has lost friendships, and estranged family members including one of my brothers. Hell my sister died when were on bad terms, I went to the hospital and apologized kissed her said I love her, but her brain was done at that point.

It has led me to lose the two best jobs I have ever had, I mean the list can go on and on, but just know yes I acknowledge it. I can sit here and type: YES Jason messed up, he mad terrible decisions in the past 15 years or so, he has unhealthy addictions physically and mentally, he knows a lot of this could have been prevented, but he doesn’t own a time machine so he can only move forward.