Spark fading: Is he distancing himself or is he just getting comfortable?

Thanks, Judy!
To be honest it’s hard to just sit back and watch ahah. I’m almost afraid of going home because of the possibility of him being distant. It just hurts a lot, because I was so used to us being attached at the hip. One can’t help but assume it’s something against me… even though I’ve heard of men naturally distancing because they’re getting comfortable.
I also think it could have to do with me because he’s admitted before he’s gotten bored of the women he was in relationships with.

In my experience it is normal to want time to yourself, but doing so should not feel as if you are being distanced from. It’s a little early to be losing interest or the ‘spark’ IMO.

I am with my fiance now, living together and been together for almost 7 months now. We spend a great deal of time together still at the end of the day – go to gym together, cook, etc. Then may take time to do our own thing (computer, tv,etc).

I don’t think you have to be joined at the hip, but the sudden lack of affection would bother me too.

Have you argued recently? Anything come up work wise, personal wise that is creating stress… this can be a symptom of lack of interest, or dealing with stress. I know when I have had stressful days at work, sometimes I just want to chill and not be overly social.

Threesomes are VERY emotionally challenging, especially if it is with someone you love and care about and have a feeling of being special or exclusive with.

It is REALLY important to go into it knowing what the challenges will be, and ONLY do it because you truly want to and are ready.

Jealousy is totally normal, BUT if you want a good relationship with him you HAVE to address this within yourself and deal with it, not expect him to. He honestly did everything “right” in the sense of making you feel loved and special, BUT that is not going to do any good so long as you are vulnerable to interpreting transient attraction to someone else as meaning something about YOUR lovability or worthiness. Be AWARE of all the issues, fears, doubts that this brings up within you and deal with them as your OWN issues, do NOT put the blame for this on him. It is wonderful to talk openly about it, but the only way to do it is to fully OWN your fears about this, realize that your fears coming up is a GOOD thing, because you can deal with them and release them. In this case it’s a matter of dealing with everything that comes up within you, honestly and openly, not blaming or attacking him or making him wrong for “making” you feel this way….he is very clear about how much he loves and cares about you and that you ARE special to him….the fact that he can feel this way AND transiently be attracted to other women all the time is a paradox that we all need to deal with, whether we’re acting on it through threesomes or not. It is INSANE to expect that just because someone loves you that they will NEVER be attracted to anyone else…..if this were the case I would RUN from the guy because it means the feelings are obsession, not love. But that doesn’t sound like it’s the case – he sounds open and honest and like he cares about you, and I think if you can own your fears and feelings about this, and when you are feeling in a good, calm place about it, SHARE this experience with him without ANY hint of blame, or accusation, or indication that he did something wrong, it will be incredibly powerful for your relationship.

It honestly sounds like a really good thing for your relationship overall. If he ever sees you with another guy, or even imagines it, he will have to deal with all of this as well.

A really good book on this topic is “The Ethical Slut.” It’s about moving through all these experiences of fear and jealousy that come up, and embracing that, allowing it to teach us more about ourselves and love the other person more deeply.

At its best, threesomes etc will give you a deeper and more powerful sense of the authenticity of the special bond you share….you will realize that it transcends sex and mere “rules” about exclusivity (which most of the time we set up to protect ourselves from feelings of jealousy and fear) and is actually so powerful that EVEN WHEN you have sex with other people, it endures and lasts and grows stronger. And you realize that you can love your partner so fully that this love embraces ALL of their attractions and desires, not just those directed at you. And vice versa.

It is NOT easy!! Be proud of how brave you have been and use this experience to keep moving forward in your relationship and learning to love ever more deeply….

xoxo
Anna

Thanks Anna and Buttercup!
I definitely don’t want another threesome with another girl… I would only do it with another guy but I’m afraid he might feel the same jealousy as I am going through. However he does get jealous if I’m with another girl but for some reason he wasn’t jealous about the threesome. I guess i have to accept the fact he is capable of wanting to do things with other women… it’s just hard because he ORIGINALLY said he didn’t want anyone else.. and I guess he still means what he said because he’s never CHEATED and the threesome was meant to be for ME… but I think that things got heated and he got too turned on to NOT want to do something, right?

Lane,
since Saturday when it happened, we have gotten a lot closer. we spent all of sunday cuddling in bed… however he didn’t want to have sex with me because he “wasn’t in the mood” … maybe because he was a bit insecure of me hooking up with another girl? maybe he needs time to get over it before we start having sex again.
im going to try to have sex with him again tonight and if he brushes me off then i’ll calmly ask whats wrong

I would be well concerned that he asked in the first place. I have had many guys tell me that of course this is a fantasy of theirs but they would never do it with the woman that they intended to marry it would be disrespectful to her. In fact my BF has even told me this that he would want to but not with the woman he would make his wife, ( thank goodness he hasn’t asked me I would turn him down flat ) I am all up for experimenting but I would never allow another person into my room with the one I wanted a life with. And quite honestly neither do most men.

Daisy,

Threesomes CAN be a fabulous, fantastic dimension of an intimate, committed, mature relationship. Just because it’s not for everybody doesn’t mean it is wrong.

HOWEVER, this requires EXQUISITE communication skills and a fabulous, thoroughly satisfying sex life and relationship beforehand. As other commenters have mentioned, if there are any issues whatsoever in the relationship, a threesome will not solve them but likely only make those fault lines more visible (and possibly more painful).

Threesomes require secure, complete, total love for your partner …. ANY insecurities, fears, or doubts you have about your relationship will be brought to the surface in a VERY primal way…. dealing with your relationship and your sex life first is absolutely crucial.

Personally, I would ONLY marry a guy who was open to threesomes, because I love playing with girls. But that’s just me, my preferences, and I would never enter into a relationship without making this completely explicit beforehand.

But that’s just me, my preferences – YOU need to decide what’s right for you at any given moment. NOT based on what other people think, and not based on attempting to please your partner …. think about what’s right for YOU.

IF you are uncomfortable with your partner being attracted to other people, threesomes aren’t a great idea at all. If you’re making out with a naked girl and he’s supposed to not feel ANYTHING at all and just remain totally cold….well that doesn’t sound too fun at all! The JOY of threesomes is your mutual expansion of attraction to include other people….the idea is you all get turned on together. There are plenty of ways to maintain your special connection even when other people are there, but if you have no interest in seeing your partner with another person, it just doesn’t seem like a great idea. If it’s always going to be a competition between you and the other person, or if you’re going to feel judged or rejection by any expression of attraction to another person, I wouldn’t do it. IF you can face all the fears and insecurities that threesomes bring up and move beyond them, this can be a VERY powerful experience that will solidify and enhance your love and connection. But if you do it before you’re ready, or without clear communication before, during, and after, it can be EXTREMELY painful and destructive.

NEVER do anything sexually just because your partner wants to. LOTS of guys fantasize about threesomes – the REAL red flag is, at LAgirl points out, if it becomes a CONDITION of your relationship or of his attraction to or desire to be with you, and you agree to something you don’t want just to save the relationship. This doesn’t sound like it’s the case, but some open discussion may go along way toward reassuring you on this point.

MOST people cannot and do not want to handle the stress and complications that can arise from inviting other people into your sex life. It can be fabulous but it is will test you!!! However, now that you HAVE experienced this together, I think the best approach is to just learn from it and use it as an opening to communication that needed to be there in the first place.

Honestly I would NOT get caught up in obsessing over his momentary attraction for another girl – presumably you were attracted to her too, so you’re BOTH dealing with unresolved jealousy, trust, and commitment issues if this is bringing up pain.

But, if you can deal with the pain, fear, and uncertainty that this triggers in an open and honest way, I think your relationship has the potential to become MUCH more wonderful and committed and satisfying because of it. Don’t stew in your musings about what it all meant. ASK the questions you need to ask him. Are you special to him? Does he want a life with you? Etc. Whatever you need to ask. Talk to him about it (in a calm, mature, non-confrontational way), rather than guessing what he feels. He probably has questions for you too! :-)

xoxo

Dear Daisy this man might be married in a love triangle .

I don’t think him bringing up the threesome is a real issue, as I know some couple friends who regularly do threesomes and “other things” and are incredibly happy together, no jealousy, and enjoy their love to the fullest. Again, it is not for everyone, and seemingly this is not for you – not for now, at least, and also not with him. To me it gave me the impression that you did it mainly to please him and because you felt insecure from the fact that your sex life with him was not do good. So thought that way would spice it up – which basically it didn’t since apparently he is “not in the mood”.

I personally think that saying your sex life is dull already 6 months in it is way, way, way too early. At that stage not only you are still getting to know each other, but you are also still discovering each other’s body – and thus, the attraction or “the mood” cannot be gone so quickly. Usually you Should start thinking that your sex life is dull perhaps after a couple of years, when things are more comfortable, and even then…

I agree you two went to live together too early as well. Big mistake, but I also did that mistake in the past and so I understand the feeling. When feeling together, it is best to be aware that you need to do a bit more of an effort to keep the spark alive. The problem with losing that spark is because we always enter into this comfortable zone once we have acquired a bond, trust and so on, so we believe we are secure in a relationship. But actually in a relationship it is good to always keep it fresh, to have each other his own space (even trips apart from each other) and so on – do you have that? It sounds more like he had work, comes back home, falls asleep. What do you do of your days? Does he always find you home when he comes back? Perhaps you should focus on making your life a bit more exciting.

Too long of a message already, so my main 3 points:
a) a bit too early to lose the spark. Perhaps you two are not that compatible, because 6 months is still within honeymoon stage, usually.
b) you two went to live together a bit too soon. Try to have each other more space, and communicate more efficiently. Don’t allow to think this is your fault -the way that incident at the bar happened is unacceptable. Those things should happen when you have agreed on it, sober, and both are up for it and ready, not just randomly and while drunk.
c) make your life more exciting, so you won’t have to turn yours around what HE does or not. Take space for yourself, insert more mystery as well in it (he shouldn’t find you every day at home when he comes back from work. Is like you are “waiting for him” all the time ).

Good luck. My ultimate advice is to find someone who will respect you more and who will not let your sex like dull after only 6 months.