Still haven't moved on

We broke up because my trust shattered in him because of his straying. I never expected him to do something like that to me. I felt we were family. But he has completely shaken all the trust I had in him and I just don’t feel safe enough to get back into a relationship with him again. I just want an out. The lies and dishonesty and decor and secrecy all pull at my heart every single day….no matter how busy or unbusy I stay…even if I am not with him I am constantly ruminating about all this,.looks like everything I am doing in life is just to be able to put this behind me….and it’s just not happening.

Yes I can tell him that, I have told him to leave me alone many times but he doesn’t listen and keeps contacting me. And due to my low moods, extreme low energy levels, loneliness (I have friends but I still don’t feel like connecting with them too much because I end up becoming clingy to them because I am just very very lonely, I feel very sad as I say that), I also am not able to hold my boundaries. So that’s why I am moving and putting significant distance between us so I learn to be less dependent and try to find other friendships or purpose. This breakup feels like a lifeshift to me….and I am just not able to adapt…majorly because of my extreme emotions

I couldn’t help but cry after reading your response. Thats exactly how I feel: my pie is poisoned. And I have already been consuming it for so long after the breakup. I am totally right in putting this distance between us. But it’s feels so scary to leave him behind…. everything was so perfect…..I just can’t imagine myself with anyone else…or feel like I will ever feel all these tender emotions for anyone ever again…it’s feels like the end of love for me. It feels like I will never trust anyone again or feel like being romantically involved with anyone… .and there will be a void…I really can never believe in this life that he loves me or ever loved me…or that any man is capable of love…i know I am generalizing but I just feel it in every fibre of my body. I feel like no matter how much a woman feels that this guy is mine, given the right temptation, any man would give it away. After all it’s just sex for them for one night and then they can go back to being a good bf. And the gf might never even find out. I feel like I can never give a guy “space”, I feel every guy goes to a stripper when alone or on a business trip or with the boys. I feel so so negative and messed up. How will I ever get over these feelings? Or are these kind of feelings normal after a breakup?

Though you love him, atlst you hv the courage and strength to make that break. And you have accepted that he cheated and did you wrong. And that this is a deal breaker for you. Your not being defensive or thinking of giving him chances. You dont realise how strong you are. There are many here who keep making excuses and giving chances despite men cheating on them.

Eric has given a gud analogy. It will be painful and very very hard initially but trust me, it does get better. It really does. No matter what just believe in yourself and the fact that you stood up for yourslf. And at such times its ok to lean on your family and frnds to help you pull through this.

Thank you for your response everyone. A teensy bit update on my post. I have vacated my old place. My ex ended up coming while I was packing, helped me with it, and now we are in a hotel together since 3 days. I feel so terrible. I am thinking to leave for a trip with a male friend tomorrow night and then leave from there for my home. The last few memories won’t even be of my ex that way…or I might just end up missing him on the trip, and that would again make me feel like I made a mistake, should I not go on the trip and directly head home Saturday night? He will also get very jealous of I go on a trip wwiyh a guy and might act out (he is agressive and very prone to self harm, and becomes more weird whenever I try to put distance or someone else in between) I am just not able to separate myself from him and go home. He isn’t making it easier by crying, drinking, getting jealous, doing everything for me, and he even cut himself last night to numb his pain and shame. It’s just no matter what he does, I just remember all the bad things that happened and I just get angry and don’t feel like talking at all and driving him out. But he cries ugh and I get back to making sure he doesn’t feel too bad about me leaving. I don’t wanna do that. As I feel much more pathetic about it. He will be dating chicks the moment I leave, but I won’t. I will be lonely plus filled with thoughts about him warming some other woman up. It all makes me fel so bad and anxious. I feel I will forever be stuck in this hotel if he doesn’t do something unintentionally to trigger me very bad so I make him leave….I feel so weak and foolish…. everytime I get a little ahead with the moving on I just end up thinking about him and missing him again when I miss love, romance or the touch and feel of a man. Should I get into a hot rebound relationship to forget him? Although I feel like I might just end of developing complicated feelings for another messed up dude as I am very vulnerable. But I have been this vulnerable since the last 2 years. I am tired of feeling miserable all the time. I have a history of major clinical depression, I feel like going back to meds to feel a bit better. However, I feel a bout of shame everytime I have to pop a pill to feel better because of a guy. I feel so weak that I cannot breakup like others…I know that I am not weak, as abuse in a relationship makes people behave and feel this way. But I still very terrible.

i am sorry i just don’t understand your post. you were thinking of moving houses earlier to avoid the guy and make the final break. so why are you going to a hotel with him?? Are you seeking a therapist? and why are you still engaging with the guy when you say you have broken up? if he like stalking you? is there a threat? i don’t understand your post. and no please dont get involved with other guys till you sort out your life and make a clean break with this guy.

Rady, you shouldn’t talk to “everybody” about antidepressants. You should talk to a medical doctor. They know the correct medications and dosages that can help *you*.
Antidepressants can help heal things that are broken, in amazing ways.

People like to perpetuate a stigma associated with antidepressants. Don’t do that.

It is unfortunate anti-depressants didn’t work for you, B. But for Rady, there’s a lot of trial and error involved to get the medication and dosage right, which is why you have a doctor to help figure it out and people can’t just try it out on their own. Not every doctor is the best, and not everyone responds well to the treatment. However, many people do have success and the medication allows them to manage their issues enough to then have the brain space and emotional capacity to start healing in other ways (maybe talk therapy, maybe EMDR, maybe something else… this is actually the reason for the medication, to feel balanced out enough to get to the underlying causes of your depression and work towards healing it, not for the anti-depressants to solve the problems on their own). There shouldn’t be a stigma on trying anti-depressants out and seeing if they’re right for you. But with any new mood medication, you should let someone close to you know you’re starting it in case they notice any changes in behavior. It is true that some of these meds can cause suicide ideation in some people, either when starting new dosages or tapering off them. That is a risk. But it’s far more common that they help people or they wouldn’t be available. If someone is helping keep tabs on you in addition to your doctor, then if you have the kinds of responses B did someone can get you help and you’ll know it’s not the solution for you.

I don’t agree with not speaking to anyone about your issues, but you need to make sure you’re speaking to the right people. People you can for sure trust, or people educated on what you’re going through. It sounds like you should be speaking to someone, but if you’re that nervous about going back on medication then you can continue looking for a different kind of therapy instead.

It also sounds like you do need a different therapist, maybe one with some expertise in mood disorders, definitely who specializes in relationship difficulty, trauma, surviving abuse, and depression. I’ve heard positive things from people about somatic experience (SE) therapy who did not see benefits from traditional talk therapy. Same as with every doctor not being equally skilled, not every therapist is either, and if you don’t feel like anyone understands you then you may need to keep trying new ones until you get the right one who actually helps.

Also, your ex is extremely abusive if he’s making you feel like he cuts himself because of you, on top of everything else. He may not be being abusive intentionally, as it sounds like he has severe emotional issues, but it’s emotional abuse nonetheless. It’s no wonder you need help after going through that, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. This is about far more than just a guy, even if it doesn’t feel that way. It sounds like it will help you if you can find a therapist who can see past this being about a guy into the deeper issues, so I hope you’ll keep looking and it works out. See if you can find an SE therapist and give that a try.

*Typo – you’re therapists may NOT be trained in dealing with cases of Domestic Abuse.

(I didn’t even know what it was when someone first suggested it to me. In fact I vehemently disagreed with them and couldn’t believe what they were suggesting. It was only once I started researching it and reading all about it, I was shocked to discover I was not alone in the way I was feeling. And also that “abusive men” are predictable in their behaviour patterns. And to my detriment, I discovered that the research predicting the trajectory of such relationships is frighteningly accurate.

Stay safe.

My God, I LOVE that poisoned pie analogy. I had to imagine chocolate cake (because I hate baked fruit) but my God, that’s an incredibly powerful metaphor.

“Your pie is poisoned. Stop eating it.”

Exactly.

🙏😊

M- your post says it all. I I am gradually coming to terms with the reality of the relationship I was in. It’s just painful to accept, not very difficult to see sadly. If he was cutting himself because of losing me, he would have cut himself than cheat on me, just saying. Not that I want him to cut himself. Only total no contact and antidepressants can help me. And I am going to pursue that. I love love, and a relationship is the surest way to find love. So if what I had wasnt really real love, and it feels just like that, I have no interest in it. My feelings will need to sort themselves.thanks for your insightful reply. And everyone else: thank you too.

Rady, I so much respect your bravery and strength and integrity towards yourself. It’s not easy to turn your back on that guy, yet you’re doing it anyway because you know in your heart of hearts it’s the right thing to do. I wish I could reach through the airwaves and give you a hug dear sister. I promise you will come out of this stronger, braver, more amazing and beautiful and resilient and wiser than you could ever have imagined possible.

This path to a new life and Freedom that your taking, you’re forging your character with a depth and determination that will enable you to love more deeply and passionately and beautifully than ever before.

I know exactly what you mean, I love love too! We’re such softies at heart aren’t we! You know what though, the way you’re honouring your heart right now by walking away from abuse forever, this Rady, is the greatest love story of all. Before you fall in love with a new better and good man in the future, you’re learning to fall in love with yourself first. Have you any idea how priceless, strong and wise this is? Most women go through their whole lives never even getting anywhere near this point that you’ve arrived at now. You’re stronger and smarter than you know.

And you know what else, even without meeting you I can tell how kind and lovely and generous and caring and thoughtful you are. It radiates out from you even through your writing. This beautiful you, she’s going to fly so high in the future and be a wonderful role model for so many. Because of what you’ve gone through, because of how brave and strong you’re being now, and because you refuse to be diminished or trampled over any longer, you’re going to grow at a phenomenal rate personally and be able to help so many in the future. You can’t see it yet, but truly the future is so bright for you.

My favourite teacher says “Everything happens for a reason, and the reason serves you”. This is true for you too. Even though you may not be able to see it yet, I promise it totally is.

I hate what you’ve had to go through and at the same time, I know 100% that you’re going to look back on this time, and see it as the making of you into someone more powerful and inspirational and remarkable than you could ever have believed you could be.

I hope we meet one day Rady. I know I’ll recognise you straight away from your smile that’s all the warmer and kinder because you know what true pain is and what it takes to overcome it, and from the light that shines so brightly from your soul.

You’ve totally got this sweet sister. Everyone here believes in you. Once you start to trust yourself, and your intuition and inner wisdom and look within and you see the magical beauty of who you truly are, you’ll know why it’s so easy for us to root for you and want nothing but the best for you. And you’ll want it for yourself too and you’ll find it easy to take the steps to make it happen too.

We love you. Love yourself too no matter what! And trust yourself, your inner wisdom will always guide you right.

Lots of love, Keep us posted. 😘❤️💛💞