Still not over FWB after months

So when we find ourselves struggling internally, breaking free of that mental cycle can feel maddening.

Logically, we feel like we should know better. We feel like we should be able to be better.

And yet, we struggle inside, looping on the same upsetting thoughts, unable to move forward or get back to the place we want to be.

I want to help you and everything I’m writing here is coming from a place of compassion. I will warn you that it might not all be easy to hear.

And if you think about it, how could it be? You’re already suffering even though you’re doing your best. So the way out of this is going to be different than how you’re looking at your situation, and some of that new perspective might conflict with your old thinking.

But the reward will be freedom, hope and a path forward. You’ll get to finally breathe a sigh of relief, knowing the torture is over and a bright future is possible for you.

Let’s begin.

Friends with benefits is a trap for women.

It was presented heavily in the media of the 1990s through the 2000s as a new opportunity for women to “live their best life”. Then casual dating apps like Tinder picked up the baton from there.

The presentation was that for all of human history, women were represssed from being able to have casual sex with guys and date like a womanizing guy can.

And hey, you’re not even extreme, you aren’t looking to be the female equivalent of a womanizing male… but a taste of that here and there couldn’t hurt, right?

Well look… I have never taken the position of moralizing what women should or shouldn’t do.

My point of view looks at things strategically in the context of what’s good for you in the big picture of your life.

So I am going to tell you that friends with benefits isn’t going to work out for you or anyone, but it’s not from a moral place.

In fact, I’m only saying it here so you can finally see it for what it is so you let yourself off the hook.

Because, listen: It’s not even about the guy at this point.

I suspect a part of you is thinking you’re to blame for catching feelings in this FWB situation.

Friends with benefits goes against everything biologically engrained in women since the beginning of time.

So yeah, birth control can prevent pregnancy, but that doesn’t eliminate all of the other biological and psychological responses of sex programmed into women.

We already know that for women, sex and orgasms trigger a myriad of hormonal responses that bond the woman to the man they’re having sex with.

Stop there and really reflect on that. Really think about that, let it sink in.

When we can measure that a woman’s system triggers an avanlache of bonding hormones and neurotransmitters after sex (especially ongoing sex) with a man, what do you think that feels like?

Think about it. What do you think the experience of that is like?

It feels like catching feelings!

I know we want to believe that catching feelings and falling in love is more than that.

When our systems overwhelm us with brain chemistry and hormone systems to trigger a powerful emotional response, our mind is going to search for reasons why.

And our mind will find reasons to support our feelings.

And that’s where we spin our tires.

Now, after the avalanche of bonding chemicals, we spend our time wrestling with psychological questions about why we feel how we feel, what it means about us, what did we do wrong, what do we do from here…

And yet, we ignore the step that came before all of this, the step that if it hadn’t happened we wouldn’t be here.

In this case, that step was having sex with a guy with the assumption that you can have casual sex without catching feelings.

Now, this is usually the place where someone in the comments will give me a variety of justifications about how I’m wrong, how I don’t understand because I’m a guy, how she knows so-and-so who can do FWB, etc.

Hey, I’ve known women who could do ongoing casual sex. However, there were additional factors at play (they were sexually abused as children, they were addicted to stimulants, they were on psychiatric meds, they had a diagnosed personality disorder, etc.)

That’s not an insult to these women, I say it with compassion. My point is that they were able to do FWB because of some exceptional factor that heavily influenced their psychology.

Listen, again, I’m trying to get you out of the nightmare.

You are not wrong to catch feelings for a man you’re having sex with. It is normal, it is what happens.

You did not fail to do FWB correctly. This is the normal outcome.

Forgive yourself. It’s not your fault that this happened. This IS what happens, this IS the normal end to every FWB story.

And it’s not the guy that catches feelings, it’s the woman.

His biology is designed to fall in love based on an entirely different trigger (that has nothing to do with sex).

But YOUR biology is working against you every step of the way.

If FWB inevitably kicks up our deepest biological bonding feelings (which are experienced as “catching feelings”), yeah that’s pretty significant!

It’s not some tiny little thing that shouldn’t have happened.

It’s EXACTLY what should have happened. It’s how we’re designed.

So congratulations, you’re human!

You did something that generates this response in human women with human women biology, psychology and emotions.

Think of how ridiculous this is.

For FWB to “work”, you need to just ignore these feelings?

These feelings are baked in with the sex and orgasms! They are interwoven, inseparable.

Think of how this makes no sense.

You’re going to have sex, which “feels good”, yet intertwined with those good feelings are the very bonding hormones I’m pointing out here.

There is no FWB because there is no version of sex without the full biological, psychological, emotional experience of it.

There is no way of separating sex from “catching feelings” because a woman’s biology combines these two things.

A man’s biology does not.

So when a man is able to sleep with a bunch of women and feel no love or desire to commit, he’s not performing some magical psychological feat.

It’s not there for men, it’s only there for women.

Forget all the stories in media about FWB as if it’s viable.

When you hear FWB, know that FWB in real life is you catching feelings and the guy having no interest in a committed relationship with you.

You were lied to by today’s culture. I don’t like that that’s how it is, but that’s the truth.

But this is prevalant and nobody wants to come out and say FWB is a bad idea for women.

After all, it’s branded like it’s some form of earned freedom, pride and rebellion against male oppression.

It’s not. It’s luring you into a trap.

No guy is going to say no to no-strings attached sex. In fact, if 6 women are offering him FWB he’ll have sex with all 6 of them for as long as they want to carry on with it.

And he won’t have a problem with it and he won’t feel one shred of love or desire to commit.

Sex is sex for a guy. Has nothing to do with love or commitment.

So how is that liberating?

There’s no equality in this, biologically speaking.

For a man, the sex is as meaningless as watching an entertaining movie.

And for a woman, biologically speaking, it can trigger the deepest feelings of love, commitment and bonding.

How is that remotely close to equal footing?

How does that make any kind of sex?

It’s like convincing a deer it’s “free now” and can go fight a wolf because all the animals in the forest are equal now.

Strategically speaking, that’s not smart.

A deer is still a deer and deers aren’t meant to fight wolves. It makes no sense.

You caught feelings because that was inevitable. That’s what happens and it’s OK. Now you know.

This isn’t a problem for you to solve, as if you’re wrong or screwed up FWB.

No, you just discovered the consequence of FWB. There’s no such thing as FWB.

Sex = avalanche of bonding chemicals = this.

Now you know and there’s no shame in that. You know better know.

You can forgive yourself and you can look out for your friends, your sisters, your daughters, etc.

If I had more time, I could have condensed this reply into succinct points, but I hope this was helpful.

Thank you Peggy, I’m glad to be here with you all. Feels good to post.